Not scared

Last time I blogged about feelings, I said I felt scared. That didn't last long. It's not that anything changed; the unspecified fears just went away. My friend, who is a counselor, says there are four basic emotions: mad, glad, sad, and afraid. I haven't yet felt mad about this cancer. I see too much evidence that a very good God is in control. But I do feel sad. Sad to think of an earlier-than-expected parting from Chuck and the family, from friends, from life-on-earth which I love so much. There's another source of sadness, and it's linked tightly with gladness. I'm glad for the community of encouragement and prayer that has grown up around this blog--so glad! The inexplicable wellbeing I'm enjoying is a daily gift from God in answer to your prayers. The protection of my body against chemo toxicity is also an answer to your prayers. And so, I'm sure, is the freedom from fear. Thank you.

I believe some of you think about my cancer more often than I do. You tell me that I'm in your prayers throughout the day, or every time you wake up during the night. Who could ever deserve that? I certainly don't! (In fact, I wouldn't blame you a bit if you moved on to other prayer concerns that seem more likely to show signs of recovery.) And that's why I feel sad. You deserve a reward. I know many are praying for healing, which would be evidenced by the tumor marker numbers dropping, not rising. Oh, how I wish I could "give" you that! We all know that's in God's hands. And whatever He chooses to do about my cancer in the long term, a very happy eternal future lies ahead. Gladness! Here-and-now, I'm sad that I can't give you good clinical news.

This noon I'll pick up the new chemo pills. I need to take 10 of them daily, spread over 4 "feedings." They may cause nausea, but I think I know how to deal with that. (It used to seem like the worst possible problem; I've learned that it's not.) I need prayer for the discipline and memory to take the pills on schedule; I'm a pretty disorganized person.

Our friend's heart surgery yesterday apparently went well, but the last time we called he still hadn't waked up. We're concerned, and will check again as soon as it seems a decent time this morning.

Love and thanks to you all,
Carol