Bewildered

Yesterday’s report of rising cancer numbers did raise some questions. I kept pleasantly busy at my desk all day, but then when I got home things were quiet, and my thoughts made it to the surface. Here are some questions:

1. What’s going on here? My CA 125 number is the highest it’s been since early March 2006, when the count was first dropping from its initial high of 8,445 at surgery in December 2005. Is this rise significant? No answer.
2. What shall we do next? Continue to pray, to Fully Rely On God. Continue to live, and laugh, and love. Discuss our options with the oncologist this afternoon.
3. Least helpful of all: What am I doing wrong?

Madame Jeanne Guyon, humble French contemplative at the time of Louis XIV, wrote,
“If knowing answers to life’s questions is absolutely necessary to you,
then forget the journey.
You will never make it,
for this is the journey of unknowables—
of unanswered questions,
enigmas,
incomprehensibles
And most of all, things unfair.”

I’m not calling my cancer unfair. On balance, worldwide, what’s unfair is the unbelievably good life I’ve had for more than 70 years. So I won’t go there. A dear friend’s grand-nephew, 6 years old, is fighting two lethal childhood cancers: glioblastoma in his brain and rhabdomyosarcoma in his muscles. I’d love to see him get a miracle of healing!

I will certainly let you know what course of action we decide on with the oncologist. Meanwhile, Malcolm Muggeridge, Britain’s famed humorist of the last century, has some wisdom for all of us: “The only ultimate tragedy in life is to feel at home here.”

I know this is long already, but I can't leave the subject of unanswered questions without quoting from yesterday's reading in Isaiah 30:15, 18, "Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. . . . But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them." And in Isaiah 33:2, 6, "But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you. Be our strength each day and our salvation in times of trouble. . . . In that day he will be your sure foundation, providing a rich store of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure."

I never get tired of saying thanks for your prayers. I am so grateful to you!

Love,
Carol