Flipping the Switch

Last evening we did our best to put my rising cancer numbers (now up to 183) into perspective. Then in bed I felt the almost physical sensation of cold fingers of fear grabbing the back of my neck. (Chuck had fallen asleep; he told me this morning I should have awakened him. I could have, but I did something even better.) I lay there a few minutes sort of taking inventory; we've prayed, we've talked it through, I've spoken with all three daughters. What am I missing? Then I remembered my reading in 31 Days of Praise in the morning. That was it! I was remembering to FROG (Fully Rely On God), but I'd neglected to POG (Praise Our God--sorry about that; I just couldn't resist the rhyme). So I spent a few moments worshiping and praising God, not particularly in relation to the cancer but for a whole range of His praise-worthy qualities and actions. The fear fled and so did my sleeplessness. When I woke up this morning, my mind turned at once to praising God, and I sang soundlessly one of our familiar praise songs.

Here's the thought from Part III in 31 Days of Praise that I'd read yesterday morning: "Much as television waves surround us at all times, so God's presence is always with us and in us, though it may not always be evident. Praise can flip the switch that, so to speak, turns on that mighty, glorious presence and tunes us in to His sufficiency. We become filled to overflowing with Him. Our lives become a stage on which He, the leading Actor, reveals Himself in love and power . . . ." I want to remember to flip that switch all day, every day.

Thanks again to the friend who sent me 31 Days. I'm so sorry that my brain was so foggy during those weeks after surgery; I've forgotten who sent it. If it was you, could you remind me? Several friends who have bought the book on my recommendation would also like to thank you.

Chuck just walked in carrying his One-Year Bible and read a relevant verse. Psalm 103:22b: "As for me, I too will praise the Lord."

This quote from Sue Monk Kidd came in a card from Barb yesterday: "To be fully human, fully myself, to accept all that I am, all that You envision, this is my prayer. Walk with me out to the rim of life, Beyond security. Take me to the exquisite edge of courage and release me to become . . ."

Now Chuck is reading Red Sea Rules and he came in to share another gem: "Wash your face every morning in a bath of praise." (Charles Spurgeon) Looks like praise is the operative word for today.

Heading for the exquisite edge,
Carol

Only a Number?

We received the report on Friday's blood test (CA 125). It indicates a rise in the cancer antigens. Two months ago it was 83; last month 103; and now it's 183. We were, of course, hoping it would be dropping, but we are FROGing* and fully committed to our confidence that with God all problems are of equal size: insignificant. (*Fully Relying On God) It would be good to be praying right now that Dr. Boyd will have God's wisdom in what to do next. Also that we'll be able to hear if God wants to say something to us directly. Thanks so much. This morning's posting is below.

Refiner's Fire

If you look in vain for a new blog from me, please assume that it's a problem with blogger.com, not that I've gotten sick. Both Saturday and Sunday it was very hard to get my blog posted. We'll see how it goes this morning.

The exquisite beauty of the blue sky, colored leaves, layered mountains and gentle weather we enjoyed yesterday afternoon combined to make the day a thrill. And the music! We heard musicians Brian Gurl, Lenny Ski, a drummer, guitarist, and a couple of vocalists in a 2 1/2 hour concert at Altapass Orchard on the Blue Ridge Parkway. (We've heard Brian many times--always with pleasure.) Guests filled the dance floor, many of them wearing mountain clogging shoes. We could only admire their skill.

Yesterday's reading in Streams in the Desert was based on Malachi 3:3, "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." Any one of us finds the fire getting hot at times, and this poem gives it meaning.

He sat by a fire of sevenfold heat,
As He looked at the precious ore,
And closer He bent with a searching gaze
As He heated it more and more.
He knew He had ore that could stand the test,
And He wanted the finest gold
To mold as a crown for the King to wear,
Set with gems with a price untold.

So He laid our gold in the burning fire,
Though we would have asked for delay,
And He watched the dross that we had not seen,
As it melted and passed away.
And the gold grew brighter and yet more bright,
But our eyes were so dim with tears,
We saw but the fire--not the Master's hand,
And questioned with anxious fears.

Yet our gold shone out with a richer glow,
As it mirrored a Form above,
That bent o'er the fire, though unseen by us,
With a look of unspeakable love.
Should we think that it pleases His loving heart
To cause us a moment's pain?
Not so! for He saw through the present cross
The joy of eternal gain.

So He waited there with a watchful eye,
With a love that is strong and sure,
And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat,
Than was needed to make it pure.

So many friends are feeling the fire these days; I hope you can trust the love of the Refiner's heart.

Love,
Carol

Blogger was sick today

I tried for more than two hours this (Sunday) morning to put this posting up, and kept getting "Error" messages. I'm sorry. Then we left for church, and from there we went to the mountains, and I'm just now back home. So here's what I tried to post this morning. Since Congo was holding elections today, I wanted to ask for prayer for that country. By now the election is over, but we can still pray that the losing side will accept the result without violence. The Congolese have suffered so much.

Forty-two years ago I was mopping my kitchen floor and listening to public radio when I heard the devastating news that my mother's cousin Dr. Paul Carlson had been shot in the Congo. He had been taken hostage by the Simba rebels, along with several other missionaries and expatriates. It was big news at the time. Yesterday we attended a screening of a new documentary on the story. His widow Lois and their two children spoke beautifully about him and his life and death. Then we heard the amazing account of their return to Congo at the 40th anniversary of his death, and the reconciliation with Mr. Gbenye, the rebel leader who had ordered Paul's death. They spoke words of forgiveness to him, and he said he feels forgiven--even by God. The madness of 40 years ago is being repeated and enlarged in many parts of our world today, as we well know. But Congo has been mostly overlooked and forgotten by the West. Poverty, illness, tribalism, and ruined infrastructure conspire to rob the people's hope--and yet they have hope. Amazing! Please do pray today for their election.

It's Sunday. Our lesson is Hebrews 10. Here are some wonderful words: The Lord says, "I will put my laws in their hearts so they will understand them, and I will write them on their minds so they will obey them....I will never again remember their sins and lawless deeds." (verses 16,17) And verses 23,24: "Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds." Don't you love the thought of "outbursts of love and good deeds"? I hope we'll all experience those outbursts today.

I did yard work Saturday morning, went to the movie in the afternoon, and despite the extra hour gained by the end of daylight savings time went to bed early. It's amazing how well I feel as long as I sleep a lot. Thanks so much for all your love and prayers.

Blessings,

Carol

Gloria

Many of you have at some time sung to the accompaniment of my little "Gloria," a toaster-sized electronic hymn player. It was developed in the 90s by missionary friends in Latin America to help churches that lacked trained musicians for leading worship. Yesterday an amazing story came by e-mail from Colombia. "Our church chairman Felipe took his Gloria, his Bible, and several books along when he traveled to Spain for a 3-week visit with his dying uncle. Except for occasional naps during the day, the uncle has not slept for weeks, so Felipe had Gloria playing much of the time and sang dozens of songs that communicated truths he wanted to share. After two weeks, his uncle responded and prayed to receive eternal life through faith in Jesus. Meanwhile, Gloria had become the main attraction, as nuns and nurses became fascinated by the instrument and would keep coming by to ask all sorts of questions. Felipe ran out of books (which happened to be several of our own titles) but we were able to get more shipped to him in time to distribute to those he still wanted to reach. He had only one left when he boarded the plane for Colombia, only to discover that his seatmate was a lady who needed that very book. Fortunately he had not packed it in his suitcase!" I love being reminded about the power of good music and especially the power of God.

Yesterday we attended a consortium at SIM about our Hope for AIDS ministry. It's sobering to contemplate the scope of that dreadful disease, but encouraging to hear about the sacrificial work of caring Christians at the grass-roots level who make a huge difference for those who are infected or affected by HIV/AIDS. The approach of this ministry is defined by H-O-P-E: Home-based care of the ill, Orphan care, Prevention through discipleship and education, and Enabling the local church to do all the above. (hopeforaids.org)

The nurse hit a vein yesterday but was barely able to fill a vial before the blood stopped flowing; Wednesday's port implantation is certainly in the "nick of time." I am so thankful to continue to feel well, to be able to sleep soundly, and to know the One who is fully reliable (making it possible for us to Fully Rely On God). Chuck is re-reading the book Dead Sea Rules, from which that concept came to us, and he says he keeps finding wonderful new truths.

Have a great weekend.

Love,
Carol

Who Needs a Compliment Today?

I read about a community leader who sat a few minutes in a police office waiting for an appointment. He was impressed by the patience and kindness of the rookie officer who was enduring his shift as receptionist with good grace, despite the angry callers and unruly "clients" who demanded his attention. Later that day, the leader called to express his appreciation to the rookie, only to be met with a long silence. Finally the young cop said, "Sir, I don't know what to say. No one has ever called with a compliment before." Hmm. . . I wonder who needs a call of appreciation today!

I received a long letter yesterday from a friend. She mentioned a friend of hers who is in cancer treatment and suffers so severely from chemo that her doctor hospitalizes her every time for five days after treatment. The letter went on, "If she had as many people praying for her as you do, would she also experience the good times you have had?" One can't help wondering. God keeps His own counsel. Two things I know for sure. First, knowing myself, I know I'm not feeling so well because I deserve to do so. On the contrary, my bad attitudes, lack of compassion, and self-absorption (I could go on) deserve the worst. Second, you who pray so faithfully for me are part of an amazing miracle from God. I don't deserve you either. But oh! How I thank you!

This morning my dear friend nurse will try to find a vein in order to draw blood for a CA 125 test. Maybe I should have arranged to get that port installed before today. In any case, we'll likely have a report on that tumor marker sometime Monday, and we'd surely be grateful for a lower number. God knows all about that too.

Gratefully,
Carol

Alli Willaqui

Alli Willaqui ("Good News" in the Quechua language of Peru) is the name of a Bible-based radio program. Several years ago Quechua translators Prospero and Leopoldo announced they would have to stop the broadcast because they had run out of money. High in the mountains, a young shepherdess heard the bad news and asked her father to sell one of her sheep and take the money to the broadcasters. During the program the next Saturday, the men thanked her, and a more prosperous listener said, "If a small girl can help, why can't I?" Soon gifts were pouring in and now, nine years later, the broadcast continues. I read this inspiring account in "Rev.7," the report magazine of JAARS, a technical service spun off from Wycliffe Bible Translators (www.jaars.org). I know we can't solve all the problems we hear about. But, hey, every one of us can do something! So why don't we?

Corrections and approvals for the SIM magazine are coming in now. Some of the people I need to hear from are in remote areas and most are way too busy, and I need prayer that God will help all of them to respond in a timely way.

Grandson Jeremy (jeremyinafrica.blogspot.com) has put several fascinating photos on his site. We thank the Lord for giving Jeremy so much joy in being in Niger. It looks like he's accomplishing his objective of making friends.

I continue to feel well as long as I can get to bed early. Of course I'd rather get more done, but it's a small price to pay.

Thanks for your prayers.
Carol

Community of Song

I get to lead our prayer chapel again this morning, and I'm going to begin with music that will sound very strange to our western ears. It's from a CD enclosed in a new book titled All the World Is Singing. It's about the worship music in indigenous form that God is blessing His church with around the world. The song I've chosen is from Pakistan. In the related story in the book, Don McCurry tells of studying Urdu (Pakistani Muslim culture) literature under Dr. Daud Rahbar at the Hartford Seminary Foundation. Dr. Rabhar said, "Don, you can say anything you want--in poetry or music--to these people and they will receive it, but if you preach it in prose, they will probably try to kill you." After his return to Pakistan, Don found that it was true, and he organized programs of folkloric and religious music including Pakistani Christian music. It was warmly received by the people and even by local government leaders. Something wonderful happens among new Christians when they begin to create worship music in their own heart-style, and the book offers 45 case studies as proof. I can't wait to read it all. (Fascinating though they are, the songs still sound strange to my ears.)

Meanwhile, music in our own "heart-style" continues to feed our souls. A young friend wrote me the other day: "A day in which I don't sing is a less-than-full day." So pick a song, any song, and start singing!

A week from today I'll get a port installed in my chest in the morning and then have kemo in the afternoon. I know it's God's answer to prayer that I'm feeling so well, and we keep praying that the silent flow of Doxil through my system is destroying the cancer cells. Lisa is trying to find an affordable airline ticket to visit us here; we're praying for that too.

Blessings,
Carol

Chart and Compass

I like this morning prayer by Anna Lindgren (a fellow Swede):
"Master, early in the morning, before the multitudinous voices of the day disquiet, confuse and sidetrack me, 'I will stand upon my watch to see what You will say to me.' How I need Your quieting, reassuring, guiding voice! I have never walked the road that lies before me. I know nothing of its pitfalls, its unexpected turns, its shadows, its steep ascent or sudden decline. But You have been there before me. You know every inch of the way. You know about the temptation that will take me unawares, the sharp word that will sting and wound me, the unfriendly glance that will unbalance me, the situation that will call forth and test all my patience . . . Nothing is unknown to You. How then dare I face the day without first facing You? You are my Chart and my Compass."

Think about it. It's a privilege, when starting out on a new road, to put my hand into the hand of One Who has already walked it. What morning task could possibly be more urgent than that?!

Last evening was so delightful. None of us wanted it to end. Marcus and Jen are refreshingly authentic and exciting in their life in God. We met them one year ago when they were here for SIM orientation, and now they're fully supported and ready to leave in February for West Africa. He will serve in HIV/AIDS programs and she will work in children's ministries. Getting together again was a high and holy moment.

I am thankful to continue to feel well.

Blessings,
Carol

Turning Cool

The weather man says we may have our first frost tonight. I hate to see the flowers go. But today I'm writing about another coolness. Last night I went to bed very burdened about a person I care about who seems to be drawing away and turning cool. I tried to blame myself; what might I have said or done to cause it? I couldn't find a thing, so then I embarked on a fruitless search for what I could do to fix it. At last I noticed the lighted frog figurines that always sit on our lamp table to remind us to Fully Rely On God. I needed that reminder! I chose to rely on Him for this troubled relationship as well, and I fell asleep. Each time I woke up through the night, it seemed that every beat of my heart--echoed in my poundy head--was repeating my prayer, "Lord, save her. Lord, save her."

My stack of goodies for the rescue mission is growing. And the load on my mind is getting lighter. If God chooses to give me longer life, it will be sweeter with less clutter. And if He chooses to call me Home, the very difficult task Chuck and the girls face will be somewhat easier. Some things go on the pile without a tug. But giving books away is like giving up friends. (It's not as though I'm leaving my shelves empty. I still have more of that kind of "friends" than I deserve.) The rescue mission has a wonderful ministry with people who desperately need a break in life, and I hope my stuff brings in a little cash for their work.

Last year we made friends with a darling Swiss-Chinese American couple who are going to Africa as missionaries with SIM. They're now back in town for their final visit before departure, and we get to have them over for dinner tonight. I'm so excited to see them again.

First, though, I get to see what that magazine draft looks like in the cold light of Monday morning, and then send each article around the world to everyone concerned with it for their approval. This is a good point to reach in the process.

The more I study about my kind of cancer, the more I realize the miracle of feeling so well at this stage of the disease. When I carry on normal work and play, I sense that your prayers and God's kindness are holding me up. Thank you.

Love,
Carol

Chilly already

It's really autumn. Chuck turned the heat on this morning; seems too early! My creative card-making friend sent hand-cut snowflakes last week. When one stops to think, there's comfort in the reliability of the seasons, isn't there? I spoke with Jeremy in Niger yesterday. He sounds very contented. Their town has only 2 paved roads and erratic electricity, but the cell phone works. Go figure! The kids in town seem to speak little French, mostly Songhai mixed with Gourma and Housa, so Jeremy is finding communication a challenge. Pray for him. I think he'll learn a lot of language.

I did finish a first draft of the entire magazine yesterday. What a relief! Now I can work on finding photos, getting approvals, and refining the writing. (One of my lines when I teach new SIM candidates about communication is this: "There is no such thing as good writing; there is only good re-writing.")

You know that I read a classic devotional, Streams in the Desert, every day. Yesterday's reading is worth repeating. Don't misunderstand; I'm not feeling near death right now. It's simply a healthy perspective for all of us; we're all terminal.

"The owner of the house I have lived in for many years has notified me that he will do little or nothing to keep it in repair. He also advised me to be ready to move.

"At first this was not very welcome news. In many respects the surrounding area is quite pleasant, and if not for the evidence of a somewhat declining condition, the house seems rather nice. Yet a closer look reveals that even a light wind causes it to shake and sway, and its foundation is not sufficient to make it secure. Therefore I am getting ready to move.

"As I consider the move, it is strange how quickly my interest is transferred to my prospective new home in another country. I have been consulting maps and studying accounts of its inhabitants. And someone who has come from there to visit has told me that it is beautiful beyond description and that language is inadequate to fully describe what he heard while there. He said that in order to make an investment there, he has suffered the loss of everything he owned here, yet rejoices in what others would call a sacrifice. Another person, whose love for me has been proved by the greatest possible test, now lives there. He has sent me several clusters of the most delicious grapes I have ever eaten, and after eating them everything here tastes very bland.

"Several times I have gone to the edge of the river that forms the boundary between here and there and have longed to be with those singing praises to the King on the otheer side. Many of my friends have moved across that river, but before leaving here they spoke of my following them later. I have seen the smile on their facees as they passed from my sight. So each time I am asked to make some new investment here, I now respond, 'I am getting ready to move.'" (selected)

On that note, I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon sorting "stuff" to donate to the rescue mission truck when it comes next week. Books are hardest to part with, but when they're overflowing the shelves and stacking on the floor beside my wingback chair, it's time!

It's Sunday. I hope your worship today has been or will be wonderful (depending on your time zone). I'm looking forward to ours.

Blessings,
Carol

Unguarded mouth

When I was a little girl heading off to school, my mother would wrap an arm around my shoulder and utter a prayer from the Psalms: "Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips." She knew well how much I needed that. Sadly, I failed to internalize the prayer, and those of you who have known me the longest know how much I have sinned with my words. In fact, you have probably been the victim of my words. I thought about all that last evening as I was reading Peterson's Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. He was recounting the "Ten Words" (we call them Commandments) from Deuteronomy, and said this about the ninth in 5:20: "Words are sacred and inviolable. The Hebrew word translated here as 'false' is the same word translated as 'in vain' in the third word [in regard to the Lord's name]. Words used about or to neighbors are as sacred as those used about or to God. Frivolous and empty talk that demeans or trivializes persons is as sacrilegious as outright lies. Language is the community's lifeblood; if the circulatory system is diseased the community gets sick, sick from lies and gossip alike." I'm thankful that the Lord is letting me live long enough to reflect on and deal with these serious matters that I used to keep too busy to think about.

Community! What a beautiful thing! It's hard to get past our differences and live well together, but it's impossible to live well and serve God effectively in total solitude. I'm thinking a lot about that as I'm writing this issue of the SIM magazine on the theme of partnership. Thanks so much for praying for me; God has moved me past the "writer's block" and it's coming together. I plan to spend a few hours on it today. You know, there has never been so much positive feedback on our magazine as there's been since I got sick last November. I know that's because you've been praying for me, the designers, and the whole process of finding photos and getting timely feedback from around the world. It's amazing what God does when we pray.

Have a blessed weekend.
Carol

What If?

My son-in-law Jeff loves history and so do I. He knows far more than I do about wars, and I've learned a lot from him. For one thing, terrible mistakes are made in all wars, and for another, in the middle of a war you can't tell how it's going to turn out. Just now I'm enjoying a book he loaned me titled What If? The authors take pivotal events in history (largely wars) and imagine the impact on all of us if those events had turned out differently. It's fascinating and thought-provoking and relevant to the present moment. For the believer, God's hand is evident even in history written by unbelievers. God's hand is at work today too, and yesterday in 1 Timothy I saw again what our role is. Verss 1-6:

"I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. As you make your requests, plead for God's mercy upon them, and give thanks. Pray this way for kings and all others who are in authority so that we can live in peace and quietness, in godliness and dignity. This is good and pleases God our Savior, for He wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth. For there is only one God and one Mediator who can reconcile God and people. He is the man Christ Jesus. He gave His life to purchase freedom for everyone."

This is serious. Before we blindly defend the leaders we love and villify the ones we don't, we're supposed to pray for them all. I'm trying to remember.

I'm so grateful for your prayers for me. Thank you. I feel well. The magazine is coming together s-l-o-w-l-y.

Today the niece of a good friend is burying her son. He survived two military tours of duty "in harm's way," then died this week in an auto accident near the East Coast. The niece just achieved remission in her desperate struggle with cancer. What a lot of heartache for that family! Also the funeral is today for my local friend's sister-in-law, who was killed Tuesday in an auto accident that seriously injured her husband. I know you are similarly burdened by crushing needs in your own circle of friendship. We pray for all of them, "pleading for God's mercy upon them."

Love,
Carol

Words

Gerlinde Skaggs, an SIM missionary, was biking in her homeland Germany a little over a year ago and took a simple fall. It was the beginning of an unbelievable saga. Severe brain damage, surgeries, endless therapy, complications, seizures, slight improvements, dashed hopes. How can I summarize more than a year's worth of daily e-mail updates by her loving husband Ben? And who but God could count the ocean waves of prayer that have gone up on her behalf? As recently as 3 weeks ago, she suffered a terrible setback. The end? No. Let me quote Ben's e-mail from Monday 16 October:

"After having given her medicine and having changed her diaper this evening, there was something that she wanted to tell me. I didn't know whether it had to do with turning her on her side, or perhaps rubbing pain cream onto her lower back. I asked her to take a deep breath, and to say it real loud. She almost shouted, "I love you!" I was shocked, as I haven't heard her speak so clearly since her first brain seizure. . . . We laughed together in a moment of relief, at peace with God and with one another just with the blessing of being able to utter and hear those three words. I am telling you that after over a year of struggle and wondering whether either one of us was going to survive, for Gerlinde to be able to say that and be well understood, it was a major milestone in our lives."

I love you! What a message she chose for her first intelligible words! I think that's the message God chooses to give us too. We all say "I love you" to those we love, but I'm wondering whether I say it enough. Maybe I say so many words that the most important message gets lost in the crowd of more trivial communications. I love you.

I am thankful to continue to feel well, even with diminished energy. It's another two weeks to the next chemo and blood test. We keep praying that the mysterious science of this drug Doxil is still attacking those resistant cancer cells. Beyond science, we keep praying for the healing touch of God.

I love you.
Carol

Heart-pounding, Breath-stopping

A couple of days ago, a friend drove over her son who was sitting on his "Green Machine" in the blind spot behind her car. My heart pounds and my breath catches merely to think of it. Thank God he is expected to fullly recover from the compound fracture of his leg. But the mom--oh, the mom! She needs our prayers. Can you imagine the sounds of that moment of impact playing over and over in your mind? Dear Lord, by Your grace, please heal her memory and help her forgive herself for this accident.

And yesterday the sister-in-law of a friend was killed in an auto accident; the brother was injured. So much prayer needed for that family too.

I'm continuing to feel very well. I take this as an amazing answer to prayer, and I thank you for your part in this miracle. I need to finish writing/editing the next issue of the SIM magazine in the next two weeks. It isn't exactly "flowing," and I'd appreciate prayer for that.

Have a blessed day,
Carol

Trust

We're back home following a pleasant trip yesterday; the trees in the mountains are turning colorful and the views were fabulous.

I was reading another of the "back-of-the-toilet" devotional books at the lake house, and regarding Psalm 146: 3-6 I read a new thought about trust. Dennis Kinlaw, the author, said that for the Hebrews the concept of trusting someone was not "blind trust" or "a leap of faith," but rather a settled confidence based on knowing the person you're trusting. Knowing him or her so well, in fact, that you can predict what he or she will do in a given situation. For example, after 47+ years of marriage I absolutely know that Chuck will be faithful to me, so of course I trust him. Taking that thought to an even higher level, which Psalm 146 does, when we know God well enough to be able to predict how He will respond to situations, trusting Him is logical and sensible. (Now, to be honest, He is still Mystery, and His ways aren't always clear to us. Rarely, in fact. But we have the settled confidence that He is good, smart, makes no mistakes, never gets pushed into a corner, loves us unconditionally, and is fully committed to the process of our total salvation.) He is, in fact, trustworthy.

Psalm 146:5,6: "But happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God. He is the one who made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. He is the one who keeps every promise forever." Good news!

We didn't get to see grandson Justin on this trip because he was busy being on the Homecoming court at Spring Arbor University where he's a junior. He's also the events coordinator for campus, so it was a busy time for him. We're looking forward to being all together at Christmas time.

I mentioned the other day about singing and praying with Gavin and Calli at bedtime. Every evening when we're sleeping in the same house the routine is the same. We always sing the same song, and often I think it's so comprehensive that more prayers might be superfluous, although we do take turns praying anyway. I can't remember which band or singer taught us this song, but here it is:

Father, blessed Father, lead and guide us for Your name's sake;
Keep us in the shelter of Your presence 'til we see Your face. Amen.

Thanks for your love and prayers.
Carol

Don't Worry, Old Folks

Every once in awhile, someone of my generation is heard to lament the songs being sung in contemporary worship. "The children are missing out on all the great theology we learned in the hymns we sang," they cry. I thought about that in church this morning. We sang four or five songs, one of them a new spin on an oldie, "I Stand Amazed." The other songs, all new, were filled with wonderful theology about the majesty and mystery and faithful love of our great Maker. I watched the thoughtful expressions on the faces of our grandchildren as they sang their hearts out, and I thanked the Lord for contemporary song writers like Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and many others. This generation will be just fine in terms of what they believe about God--as long as they sing and internalize these great songs. (I admit I still love our classic hymns, and I'm always happy when the kids find contemporary ways to sing them.)

Calli's team won their soccer game this afternoon and ended their season undefeated. We didn't go because it was quite bitterly cold. But we're proud of her.

Jeremy is on his way to Niamey Sunday afternoon as the DeValve family take their teenagers back to school following their first quarter break. He promises to post a new blog before they return to Tera. Sounds like he's had a great week out there.

I'm feeling so well. This afternoon I helped Gavin move several small trailer loads of rotting wood to the burn pile and burn it. I can't help thinking how much better I feel now than I did a year ago. Even though my cancer marker numbers don't indicate remission, my feelings certainly do. So I give thanks for all the good days, and continue doing everything I can do to hold the disease down. Especially pray and keep on Fully Relying On God.

We'll leave here at 5 am Monday for the trip home. No posting Monday morning.

Thanks for your prayers. We keep praying for you too.

Carol

Today

I'm reading ahead to tomorrow's devotional in Sanctuary by David Jeremiah, and it's about "Today." He writes, "No one ever sank under the burdens of today, but add yesterday and tomorrow to today, and it can capsize your life." Many times God said, "I AM." Not "I was" or "I will be. I AM." Dr. Jeremiah continues: "The Christian who lives with Him today, in the present tense, is the one who will be free from worries about yesterday, today, or tomorrow." That thought strengthens my daily prayer to fully live each day that God gives me. To press out to the edges of all the grace and life and salvation that He provides.

Yes, the swans are still here. We can no longer tell any difference between the parents and the children.

I'm writing this Saturday evening. We plan to be up early for the first service at church, so I probably won't get a chance to be online tomorrow morning. And we're heading home early Monday morning. It's been great to be here.

I just got back from singing and praying with Gavin and Calli to "tuck them in" to bed. I realized with gratitude that I walked up the stairs with no shortness of breath. A year ago, before my cancer was diagnosed, I remember gasping my way up those same steps. (The cancerous fluid had formed effusions in my lung cavities which caused my constant coughing and shortness of breath.) I am so thankful to be able to breathe.

I hope you will have a wonderful experience of worship on Sunday.

Love,
Carol

Together

We had a fine and smooth trip to Indiana on Friday. Sorry I didn't have access to the internet so I could let you know. We arrived safe and well and had a very good night's sleep.

Karin surprised us by arranging ahead of time with her professors to miss her law school classes today to spend the day with us. Sue arrived by 11, so we all had a perfectly wonderful day together. Calli's birthday dinner was this evening, followed by a treasure hunt with clues for her gifts.

It is lovely to be here, and I'm thankful. Also for your prayers.

Love,
Carol

Heading North

We're going to Indiana today to help celebrate Calli's 12th birthday on Friday. Again we're thanking the Lord for our family and for the privilege of spending time with them. Sue (from Michigan) will come for awhile too. We don't have a phone line at the lake house, so I may miss a day or two on this site but I'll write whenever I can. (You'll want an update on the swans, I'm sure.) We'll head back to Charlotte on Monday.

Another answer to prayer: our Michigan friend who had the critical eye surgery on Monday came through very well and after seemingly endless eye drops these next couple of weeks, the doctor expects a good recovery. We're praising the Lord for this good report.

I've written a few times about my lack of energy. I think this is the common condition for everyone who is battling cancer (whether the result of cancer or kemo). Yesterday in 2 Thessalonians, I found two beautiful prayers by Paul that encouraged me. "And we pray that God, by his power, will fulfill all your good intentions and faithful deeds" (1:11). One more: "May our Lord Jesus Christ and God our Father, who loved us and in his special favor gave us everlasting comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and give you strength in every good thing you do and say" (2:16-17). I guess one of the benefits of decreasing energy is the opportunity to develop increasing discernment--to claim God's strength for "good intentions" and "every good thing you do and say." If there's enough energy for "good," there's no point in lamenting the lack of energy for what's trivial or non-good.

So, today, may God comfort your heart and give you strength . . . .

Love,
Carol

New Path

We haven't passed this way before (See Joshua 3).
It's a new experience for us.
Fears tend to become enlarged.
The unknown nurtures fear.
The Jordan River is in flood stage (verse 15).
Not a propitious time for crossing.
But God says, "Move forward."

Fear is a sorry bridge-builder.
Fear drowns the music of today;
It hears nothing but the rushing of the river.
But you are not going alone,
The Lord goes before you.

"Leave a space between you and it" (verse 4)
Give God room to maneuver
In time and space, don't box Him in,
And you will see Him at work in your life,
In your circumstances,
Your new experiences, your new tomorrows.

Relate everything, yes, everything to Him,
And as the todays and the tomorrows are entrusted to Him,
You will see the God of all the earth
Working out His perfect plan and purpose for you
In all the bright tomorrows.

"For tomorrow the Lord will DO wonders among you" (verse 5).

Yesterday I found the above in a letter from some missionaries who are moving to a new place of service. (They had copied it from an unknown source, so I can't give proper credit.) But it surely did rebuke my fears ("fear is a sorry bridge builder") and lift my eyes to look ahead ("the Lord goes before you").

It's interesting--several months ago I read the little book, Red Sea Rules, about the Israelites' crossing of the Red Sea at the beginning of their 40-year journey through the wilderness on their way to the land God was giving them. Now this crossing comes at the end of that journey. All the old folks had died. But God is still the Deliverer.

I'm thankful to feel so well. I'm thankful for you and your prayers.

Love,
Carol

Ready for some good news?

Ready for some good news? A month ago we began praying for Heather who is 25, bi-polar and was not taking her meds. Angry and violent, she and her boyfriend were crashing with a series of "friends," from whom they stole at first chance. Her mother and stepfather were, of course, heartbroken. Chuck and I kept her on our daily prayer list; maybe you did too. Here's what God is doing:

She split with that boyfriend and has gone to live with distant relatives. Last Wednesday she called her mom, who reports, "She sounds really good," and "We had one of the best conversations we've had in a long time." Heather is in counseling and is taking her medications. She wants to take her mom to lunch this week. Her mom says she hasn't done anything kind for her in at least ten years. We need to pray that the mother will get relief from her fibro-myalgia and other nerve pain so she can drive the 20 minutes she needs to travel. After God has done so much in Heather's heart, I know He can do this for the mother too! And let's pray for a positive, healing conversation. God is so good.

He's good to me too. These days I'm feeling well, though I remember with longing all the energy I used to have. It's okay. What I need to do, I can do--by His help and grace.

Love,
Carol

Respecting a Miracle

Last evening I spent a couple of hours on the internet researching the new kemo, Doxil, and also several sites about ovarian cancer that I hadn't encountered before. Here's what I learned. Medicine has no hope to offer me. For one thing, I'm among the 20-25% of patients who do not gain remission with the first six kemo treatments. (I've now had 15.) Those in remission statistically relapse within 5-6 months, and even with treatment their survival is measured in months. So am I discouraged? No, nothing has changed. Especially not God! We will continue to F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely On God) and wait to see what His plans are. As the smartest Person in the universe, He is well qualified to make decisions about my life and death. Last evening's research opened my eyes to recognize the many miracles He does every day. And if He chooses to heal me for awhile it will be, unquestionably, a miracle--not a medical remission. We're discussing travel and conference plans for next spring and summer, and I think we should go ahead and make plans by faith, saying "As the Lord wishes." You who have no disease can't be any more sure than that anyway, can you?

For new readers, let me explain about "kemo." Several months ago my two youngest grandchildren sent notes in which both wished me well with my "kemo." It was so cute, and looked less toxic, so I decided to use that spelling from then on.

Our Sunday School class yesterday was a call to stay spiritually alert--to not become sluggish (from Hebrews 5 and 6). "Our great desire is that you will keep right on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent (the word in Greek means sluggish). Instead you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God's promises because of their faith and patience" (6:11-12). The bane of my gardening life is the slug--I certainly don't want to be one!

We are planning to go to Indiana on Thursday or Friday for a long weekend. I think grandson Gavin and I will get to cook the birthday dinner for granddaughter Calli who will turn 12 on Friday. We're excited to see that family, and Sue plans to come too and possibly her husband Jeff. Friends are coming to see us on Wednesday--oh joy. And in the meantime there's the fun of writing a new magazine.

Looks like this journey through cancer and this blog about it will go on for awhile. Thank you for sticking with us. Your love and prayers mean more than we can ever say.

Love,
Carol

God Is Good

Today is the 4th day since kemo; instructions warned that serious skin-related side effects could occur 3 - 5 days afterwards. I feel so well; I believe God has protected me from any effects at all this time. Thanks so much for your part in this.

We enjoyed a sunny day in the mountains (it was raining in Charlotte) and bought some crisp and tasty apples. We drove past the mountain home of some friends and were delighted to see their front door standing open, indicating they were there. They welcomed us in, unexpected though we were, and it was sweet to get caught up with them. Sadly, we learned that the husband had a stroke last month. He seems as bright as ever, but we understand that he still needs some healing, so we'll be praying.

More thoughts on the Shared Meal, which we call "The Lord's Supper." Peterson points out that in Paul's instructions regarding this celebration, Paul says that we both "remember" and "proclaim" the Lord's death until He returns. The "proclaim" implies an evangelistic function; those who don't yet know Jesus as their Savior should come to understand the wonder of His death for us and, hopefully, accept His salvation for themselves. All my experience with this Supper, in many different churches, is a hurried ceremony in which each person withdraws into private reflection (repentance) as the wafers and wine are distributed, gulps them down, and then walks out in a sober mood. I apologize to my children and friends who through the years must have been watching me for some evidence of the joy inherent in this celebration of the most amazing and effective sacrifice ever imagined. I'd love to participate in a service in which together we joyfully "remember" and "proclaim" and then celebrate His death for us and for our sins.

My childhood friend called me last evening. Her pain is unrelenting, her legs drain constantly, her kidneys are shutting down and her cardiologist says her heart can't survive the prep for dialysis. She continues to bless her family and so many others; I'm asking God for a miracle in her body. Also, tomorrow our Michigan friend has eye surgery; we pray for a steady hand for the surgeon.

Love,
Carol

I spoke by phone with Jeremy yesterday afternoon after he arrived in Niamey, Niger. His trip was pleasant and he was very pumped. I suppose he went to bed early. Today he's participating in an "international" softball tournament there in the capital. On Monday he and the DeValves will drive back to their town of Tera. I understand that there's still a chance of a decent harvest if God will send at least one more good rain in the next week. If not, there will be lots of painful hunger. Let's pray!

This new kemo is treating me very kindly. I was able to stay at work all day yesterday. (Of course, I slept about 11 hours last night.) Today we plan to drive to the mountains to see the autumn colors and buy some apples. There's nothing like a crisp, slightly tart mountain apple.

Eugene Peterson's Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places continues to bless and amaze me. I've just completed the section about Christ's sacrifice. Peterson gives huge attention to the shared meal. He says every time we sit down together to eat, we can be reminded of the sacrifice of Jesus for our salvation. In fact, every meal represents sacrifice: the salmon and the broccoli and the lettuce had to die, and the farmers and shippers and merchants had to work hard, not to mention the cook! The ritual of eating together has a long and favorable history. Abraham and Sarah prepared a dinner for their heavenly visitors. In fact, there are records of mealtime fellowship all through the Bible and in the memories of our lives. The tradition of shared mealtimes seems to be falling on hard times in our busy culture, but it's to our loss. Now my insistence that everyone living in our home sits down together for meals doesn't make me feel so outdated. It's a healthy practice. I may have more to say about this (especially about our celebration of what we call "the Lord's supper") before I move on.

I can't tell you how much your interest and prayers mean to us. I realize this is getting to be a long journey, and only God knows how it will turn out; but as I've said before, every day (and every hug and every note) is a gift. I know your prayers are making a difference.

Love,
Carol

Feelin' Good

Thanks to God and your prayers, I'm feeling quite well this morning. I think I'll go to work. So far, it seems this new drug (Doxil) is kinder; hope it's still really mean to the cancer. Just for fun, at the end of this blog I'll pass along some of the information the doctor gave me about the drug. This is real science!

Two neighbors stopped by last evening, and later grandson Justin called--all to cheer me because they knew I'd be missing Jeremy. So sweet. Right now he should be on the final leg of his journey, flying from Paris to Niger.

Lately it seems my mind has been drawn again and again to heaven. Wednesday evening Jeremy and I were listening to a CD by Jars of Clay, and I thought I'd share part of their song, "All my Tears."

When I go, don’t cry for me
In my Father’s arms I’ll be
The wounds the world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I’ll be whole
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus’ face
And I will not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name

Gold and silver blind the eye
Temporary riches lie
Come and eat from Heaven’s store
Come and drink and thirst no more

Good stuff, huh?

Now about Doxil: "Doxil is doxorubicin (an older cancer drug) placed into a capsule, surrounded by a fat bubble called a liposome and another layer of hair-like strands made from polyethylene glycol. This coating allows Doxil to evade detection and destruction by the immune system, which increases the time the drug is in the body. The majority of the drug stays inside the liposome while in the blood (at least 90%). Therefore, Doxil has more time to reach the tumor tissue, where the medication slowly leaks out. However, because of the longer circulation time of the liposome, Doxil may also affect normal tissue, causing some side effects. Because the drug slowly leaks out into the tumor over time, you get treated less often than you would with doxorubicin. The exact mechanism of release is not known." I said above this is real science, but actually it sounds like science fiction. All we could see during treatment was a transparent orange liquid entering my vein. Who'd have guessed about the capsules, fat bubbles and hair-like strands!

I talked last evening with a friend who has virtually imprisoned herself in her mother's basement. Life is incredibly difficult for her; she's a true believer in Jesus, but she's struggling with a destructive past: long childhood abuse, attempted suicide, handicapped child, divorce, and much illness. She spends her time praying and sleeping. It's very complicated. I wonder if you'd lift up a prayer for her to find her way out--somehow.

Thanks for loving and praying.
Carol

The New "Normal"

I've been realizing that one adjusts to situations. I call it the new "normal." Life is still sweet and a wonderful gift. The cloddy (from neuropathy) feet still walk--less gracefully. The clumsy fingers still type and play the piano--more carefully. The tired body still moves--more slowly. And the port that would have seemed an intrusion back in January now seems like a really good idea. Yesterday's kemo hunt for a vein was uncomfortable but finally successful, and I'm very grateful for your prayers. And our home, which has been so filled with Jeremy's joyful presence, will be empty of him after this morning. That will take some getting used to. The day has come for his longed-for departure for Niger, where God's next call awaits him. He has talked frequently with the teenagers in the missionary family just back from there, and they've given him great insights on the people, culture, and country. Their presence at SIM this week has been a gift. His October 3 blog (jeremyinafrica.blogspot.com) expresses poetically the strong and varied emotions he's feeling.

Our Sunday School friend with lung cancer had a big disappointment yesterday. He and his lovely wife were finally scheduled to get the report on his latest scan--after 6 months of chemo-therapy and 35 radiation treatments. Instead, they found that the radiation had caused such extensive scarring that it was impossible to see the lungs and lymph system at all. Now we will pray for the scarring to heal and that the next scan scheduled in December will finally show what's been happening with his cancer. And of course we pray that God has been healing it! We often quote the scriptural truth that we "walk by faith," but in the cancer journey we also "wait by faith."

Thank you--always--for your love and prayers.

Carol

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven

David Crowder's new book is titled, Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven but Nobody Wants to Die. (The publisher is Relevant, the same geniuses who design our SIM magazine.) It's the book Jeremy plans to read on the plane, and I've been sneaking some peeks at it. Crowder calls his co-author Hogan. Here's a sample from pages 8 and 10:
"Hogan once told me…that he had a very sinking feeling that there just wasn’t much of anything to live for here on Earth. That even the good stuff was so fleeting, so very easily stripped from you, that he felt existence created suffering too great for one planet to contain. He was just being honest and vulnerable in a rather dark moment. Forever the pessimist. But I suggested that maybe it’s not that there is not enough here to live for, just that here is not enough. Maybe it’s the container that’s flawed. . . .

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. And heaven, if we’re to believe what was proposed by a man two thousand years ago, is a kingdom coming and a kingdom here and now; something for the present, not reserved entirely for the ever after. None of us are getting out of here alive, but we will conclude that death is not the ultimate calamity. . . . Death does not win. It is the beginning."

I'm certainly not feeling like I'll die any time soon; it's just cool how often God has been reminding me about eternity--in my Bible reading, in books and in conversations. I like this book a lot and will probably have to get my own copy, since Jeremy leaves tomorrow morning. He likes David Crowder so much he's even growing chin whiskers like Crowder's.

Now for the kemo saga. We are switching to a new drug as expected: Doxil. But I didn't get it yesterday, since the doctor didn't have it. I'll go back today and get the infusion. It looks like the most common side effects are hot pain and rash on the hands and feet. I don't expect to get that. The list of things not to do to prevent it, both before and after kemo day, is so long it's almost laughable, but I'll obey it at least for the first infusion and see how it goes. Like all kemo, this one causes fatigue too. And then the port. We couldn't get an appointment at radiology to get that before today's kemo, so the port procedure is scheduled for tomorrow. (The nurse is sure she can find a vein one more time.) The sweet thing is that Doxil has a slow-release property so it needs to be administered only once every 4 weeks. Of course we're disappointed by the apparent setback evidenced by the rise in tumor marker numbers, but life is still a gift and we're thankful that there are fresh options for treatment.

"Let heaven fill your thoughts" (Colossians 3:2).

Love,
Carol

Welcome to my Pity Parties

For weeks I've been looking forward to hosting a family newly returned from Niger for dinner last evening. I met them in Africa five years ago, and have so enjoyed keeping up with them through the insightful writing of both the mother and oldest daughter. In fact, it was the oldest daughter who first encouraged Jeremy in his quest for a gap year in Africa. Then yesterday we learned that their baby had a severe respiratory infection, and since I was barely getting over mine with kemo looming today, we felt we had to cancel the date with them. (Jeremy got to spend the evening with them anyway.) I was so disappointed to miss it. Before he left for dinner, Jeremy and I sat down for another voice-guitar-piano jam. Suddenly my voice caught and my eyes filled with tears, realizing it was probably the last time we'd get to do that. As I said, welcome to my pity parties.

I realize I'm still so blessed. So extremely blessed. And it's a great reminder to put my hope and expectations where they're really safe. As I'm reading through the New Testament these days, I keep meeting people who were going through struggles but keeping their joy. For example, the Christians in Colosse were "looking forward to the joys of heaven" (Colossians 1:5). And Paul said to the Thessalonians (in 1:3) that he thought about their "continual anticipation of the return of our Lord Jesus Christ." Isn't that a great hope to brighten the small disappointments of these days?

This was in an e-mail yesterday. "When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible.

I appreciate your prayers for our consultation with the doctor at 1:45 Eastern Time this afternoon; we've been asking God to give him wisdom to advise regarding my next treatment. We also need wisdom about all of this. And an accessible vein if I'm to receive kemo by I-V again.

Love,
Carol

Must Be Hip Time

A friend stopped in last evening and told us that her 88-year-old mother faces a hip replacement this Thursday. Having been on kidney dialysis for 7 years, her bones are very porous and the surgery will be complicated. Let's pray for this dear woman.

We got to visit Jo and her husband in the hospital in Winston-Salem yesterday afternoon. She's already begun therapy and is doing well, and she thanks you for your prayers. Oh, it was wonderful to get together.

Yesterday's Sunday School lesson was about Jesus our High Priest, Who understands our weaknesses because He became human like us. Since He understands--and also has the ability to act on our behalf--the Bible says we are to "come boldly [i.e., with bold frankness] to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it." (Hebrews 4:14) Mercy to forgive our sins. Grace to help us resist temptation, do the right thing, and live life fully no matter what comes.

My boldly frank requests this morning are for tomorrow's appointment with the oncologist, especially that he will receive God's wisdom in selecting the next course of treatment. If it's to be more chemo, we'll need a miracle in finding a vein since I don't have a port yet.

Thanks for your love and prayers.
Carol

The Big Picture

It's very important to keep a broad perspective and not narrow my world to my own selfish concerns. Dr. Phillip M. Harter of Stanford University School of Medicine imagined a composite village of only 100 people, maintaining all the human ratios existing in the real world. In this imaginary but realistic village, of the 100 people there:

57 would be Asian
21 would be European
14 would be from the Americas
8 would be African
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be culturally Christian [note: fewer would truly know Christ]
6 would possess 59 % of the world's wealth
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would have a college education

I think often of women in, say, India or Africa. Few would even reach my age. If they did, and then got cancer, most would likely have to lie on the hard ground, get very little nourishing food and little or no loving care, have no access to life-prolonging medicine, and die quickly. I am so blessed!

I called my brother's cell phone yesterday afternoon and he said, "We're home." "Both of you?" I asked. "Yes, well you see, we got this miracle Friday morning . . . ." Thank God, my sister-in-law is now comfortable with only simple ibuprofen. As for our friend Jo, we haven't heard from them since her surgery Friday evening and we didn't ask which hospital they're in. We keep praying for her.

For some of you, Sunday is nearly over already, but for us it's just beginning. One more thought about perspective: if we are able to attend a gathering of Christians where we can worship God together without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, we are fortunate indeed. Almost half of the world can't. (This is why we do mission.)

Have a great day.

Love,
Carol