Bold Confidence

I awoke from a dream about 2:00 a.m. As dreams do, it faded almost instantly, except for the image of confident children swarming boldly into their mother's kitchen and helping themselves to fresh cookies. In the few moments before I fell asleep again, my mind raced to Hebrews 4:16, "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it." Being a person who desperately needs mercy and grace, this invitation is good news. I picture the mother going to the door to call, "Fresh cookies! Come and help yourself." And I imagine the rush of anticipation that floods the little hearts. I picture our gracious God calling from the door of his throne room, "Fresh mercy! Fresh grace! Come and help yourself to all you need whenever you want." This is far better, infinitely better, than still-soft and warm chocolate chips melting on the tongue. This is life!

Kemo was sweet yesterday. No ill effects. The oncologist said he was encouraged that the CA 125 was climbing less steeply, so he continued with the Doxil. (Accessing the port was another story, requiring numerous pokes and three nurses. I kept saying to myself, "So find a bigger problem." If that doesn't make sense, read yesterday's post.) I came home with enough energy to cook dinner and clean the stove which had finally reached the point of no return. I had planned to use the evening to put out Christmas decorations, which would have been more fun. Since I'm up so early this morning, I think I'll start that project right after my devotions. We're having Chuck's department here for a Christmas dessert party Sunday evening. I'm looking forward to that, because they're all special friends. I want the greens and angels and lights and bows to be out to welcome them.

Many of you told me you were praying about yesterday's treatment. Thank you so much. I believe that every day is a miraculous answer to prayer. Feeling this well is definitely not typical.

Had I mentioned that I needed to upload the new magazine files to the internet yesterday morning? Everything worked perfectly, and the designer in Orlando has already downloaded the files so we can discuss them by phone on Friday. We prayed for the technology to work, and it did. Last night as I was listing three good things that happened, I included that. (If listing three good things doesn't make sense, read back a few days.) Then as I identified the reason it occurred, I wanted not only to thank the Lord but also the I.T. specialists in our office who are so smart and so sweet to keep computers and networks bug-free. I'll do that today.

Love,
Carol

Find a Bigger Problem

A couple of days ago I passed along some wisdom I’d learned by reading missionaries’ letters. I have one more to share. We have many families living in Nigeria, engaged in a wide variety of holistic ministries on behalf of the people there. As you know from following the news, the president of Nigeria is trying to reduce corruption, and his attempts have brought on quite a bit of civil unrest. Often our friends have been close to the fighting, but thank God so far this year there have been no casualties. The writer of this letter said, “Seeing these incidents has made me grateful for the safety and freedom that I have spent my life taking for granted. The frustration and anger that festers behind these outbursts is magnified by people’s feelings of helplessness and lack of political power. It is easy to wallow in criticism and negativity towards the social and political issues in the U.S., but I’m reminded of my mother’s motto: “Find a Bigger Problem.” That’s a tough approach, but sensible. Next time I’m tempted to whine about something, I’ll try remember to “find a bigger problem” to compare mine to. And next time someone starts complaining, I might just take a risk and advise them, also, to “find a bigger problem.” We could witness an outbreak of gratitude if we’d couple this motto with the happiness-creating formula of naming three good things that happen each day and identifying the reason why they occurred.

The CA 125 test shows a continuing increase, but the rate of increase has slowed considerably. A month ago it was 185 (up 83 from the previous month). Now it’s 222 (up only 37). The literature about Doxil (the kemo I’m getting now) says it is not uncommon for the CA 125 to rise after receiving this treatment. Both the oncologist and the surgeon advised us to hope for the incline to level off somewhat. I haven’t drawn a graph, but I think that’s what these numbers indicate. So we take the report as good news. We’ll see what the doctor says this afternoon.

I haven’t passed along any blonde jokes for awhile. Here’s one. She had heard about the fun of ice fishing, so she purchased all the necessary equipment and set out for the ice. After positioning her comfortable chair, she proceeded to break a hole through the ice with her spud. Suddenly, from above a voice boomed, “Lady, there are no fish under that ice.” Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to work on another hole. Again the voice bellowed, “There are no fish under that ice.” The blonde, quite worried, moved way down to the far end of the ice, set up her equipment, and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, “There are no fish under that ice.” She stopped, looked skyward, and asked, “Is that you, Lord?” The voice replied, “No, this is the manager of the ice rink.”

All my blonde friends (with or without help from Clairol) are extremely intelligent, so this joke is not intended for them. Suzanne in Niger, I especially apologize to you!

Somehow blogspot changed the rules and made it difficult for you to post comments. I think I’ve got it fixed now.

Love,
Carol

Measurably Happier

Yesterday's newspaper told about new research that "proves" you can increase your happiness quotient with a very simple habit. Every night, name three good things that happened during the day and tell why they occurred. A motivational speaker and executive coach who was part of the study said, "It seems too simple. I went to Harvard, and I'm used to life being complicated. But this method works." Well, of course it works. Especially if we correctly identify the Cause of all the good that comes to us. I hear a Doxology coming on.

Several very good things occurred yesterday, including our dear nurse's success at drawing blood for the CA 125. Now we trust God with the result, which should come today. Please pray with us that the oncologist will have wisdom about continuing treatment, whatever the blood test shows. I'll see him early Wednesday afternoon.

The moment has come to "birth" the next issue of the SIM magazine. Before I leave for kemo tomorrow, I need to pull together every word and photo in final form and upload it to the internet for the designer in Florida. On Friday, God willing, he will have it downloaded in time for our phone conference to kick off the design work. I'd be grateful for your prayers that God will control the whole process for His pleasure and glory.

A fellow mission journalist, an email friend, sent a poem yesterday that I want to live by:

As flowers carry dewdrops trembling on the edges of the petals,
and ready to fall at the first waft of the wind or brush of bird,
so the heart should carry its beaded words of thanksgiving.

At the first breath of heavenly flavor,
let down the shower, perfumed with the heart's gratitude.
--Henry Ward Beecher, 1813-1887

"Beaded words of thanksgiving carried on the heart!" Lovely thought. Happy medicine.

Love,
Carol

"Bless Your Heart"

Heavy traffic stretched our normal 12-hour trip home to 14 hours. We thank God for keeping us safe, as well as thousands of others. We saw a couple of minor accidents, but nothing serious. It’s amazing how crowded the highway can be and yet travelers remain safe.

Since Chuck prefers to drive, I used almost all the daylight hours of the trip to read hundreds of newsletters from SIM workers. (I save them to read while traveling.) This is my favorite way to find story ideas for future magazines. This time I also found ideas for my life.

A gifted journalist who serves in South America has been back in the States for a few months. She has invested some of her time for Bible study. Recently she’s been studying the word “bless.” She passed along many Scripture references and great ideas. She closed her letter with this: “What does it mean to say . . . ‘God bless you’? I think of it as, ‘May God be present and active in you.’” She’s discovered that to bless someone is to “speak good things on them,” rather than speaking words that would discourage them. She says, “This sort of blessing has the power to heal wounds and the power to set someone on a good path. In essence, it is to believe in them.” I’ll be watching today for a chance to “speak good things on” someone. How about you?

A new worker in a remote valley in South America writes in her letter about discovering desperate needs there: drunkenness, wife and child abuse, occult practices, poverty, and more. She writes, “As I made my way down one of the ranges that surround the valley, I asked, ‘Is there any possible way I can change the situation? How do I fight it?’” I could empathize with her feeling of helplessness. Then she settled on a wonderful answer, a rule for living that can’t fail.
Love God.
Love people.
Tell people the truth.
Pray.

We can all do that, with God’s help, can’t we?

We are thankful to be home, filled with wonderful memories. I’ll get blood drawn early this morning for a CA 125 test, and then we’ll both tackle the work that’s waiting after a week’s absence. Thanks for your love and prayers.

Love,
Carol

Point of Reference

If you've ever tried to drive around our home town of Charlotte, you know how easy it is to get lost. The streets wind all around the ravines, they change names every few miles, and even uptown where they're laid out in rectangles they're oriented along a diagonal axis, not north-south-east-west. In contrast, our friends who used to live in Cochabamba, Bolivia, never got lost. There's a mountain range that runs across the north end of the city, so no matter where you are, all you need to do is sight the mountains and you can easily find your way. That's the beauty of a point of reference.

Many years ago a 55-volume series entitled The Great Books of the Western World was published by Encyclopedia Britannica. The books covered the most important ideas of eminent thinkers through the centuries. The longest essay is about God. Mortimer Adler, co-editor of the series, explained: "It is because more consequences for life follow from that one issue than from any other." When we're not sure where we are or where we should head, it's nice to have a mountain range to let us know where True North is. At a far more important level, when we're confused spiritually, it's essential to have God as our point of reference. Not just any god, but the true God as He wants to be known and as He revealed Himself. That's why we slow down one day each week in order to check our thought patterns to be sure they line up with His. Actually, writing this blog every day helps me, in the same way, to center down and think honestly about my point of reference. Is it based on what I'm feeling? On natural human fears? Or on what I know is true about God based on His "love letter" to us His children? Viewing Him as He really is turns out to be the most important decision we can make. So I hope we'll all find some quiet time this Sunday to check our point of reference.

We'll be traveling all day, heading home. It's a 12-hour drive. We trust God for safety and to speak to us about Himself.

I hope this can serve as Sunday's blog.

Love,
Carol

So Much Gratitude

So much gratitude! Sue and Jeff drove down from Michigan yesterday. It's been wonderful to have them here. They need to leave this morning, but we're grateful for every minute. We have another beautiful day. I remember snowy Thanksgiving weeks. This weekend the daytime temperatures hover around 60. Nice for yard work and nice for walks. The four swans continue to float within view although they're further out in the lake.

I'm still feeling very well. Breathing! Seeing! Walking! Thank God.

Early tomorrow (Sunday) we'll head back to Charlotte.

Hope you're having a good weekend.

Love,
Carol

Yesterday afternoon nostalgia struck, and I got to telling the grandchildren some stories from my childhood. Then this morning as I was lying awake, I retrieved another memory that gave me a smile and an emotional boost. Hanging in the archway between our kitchen and dining room was a simple plaque:

Overheard in an Orchard
Said the robin to the sparrow, "I should really like to know
Why these anxious human beings rush about and worry so."
Said the sparrow to the robin, "Friend, I think that it must be
That they have no heavenly Father such as cares for you and me."

I'm sure you can imagine the cumulative effect on a child's soul from reading such a reminder of the Father's care day after day. The Bible says, after all, that we are far more precious to Him than the birds.

While I was in the mood for reflection, I thought of another plaque we lived with:

Christ is the Head of this house,
The unseen Guest at every table,
The silent Listener to every conversation.

I suppose many of my senior friends also have similar memories.

Then this morning I read, "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight" (Hebrews 4:13). No matter what or whom I'm "anxious and worried" about, knowing that God sees and knows takes the load off me. Off you, too!

I'm feeling well. Thanks for your love and prayers. We'll be traveling back to North Carolina on Sunday.

By the way, the swans are still on the lake, but they're staying out in the middle now that the boats are gone.

Love,
Carol

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving Day in the USA. We're fogged in here at the lake, but the weatherman promises a clear sunny day eventually. Should work out well for that long walk to work off a big turkey dinner.

This morning I gave each person a small blue rectangle of paper with the request to write a few items for which we're thankful, including at least one that is indestructible. That's thanks to the message at church last Sunday. We'll share them as we eat the turkey and cranberries. I'm looking forward to that.

Yesterday, Wednesday, Sue and Justin came to the lake for most of the day--sweet. Also an adorable couple who will leave soon for missionary work in Burkina Faso; we had discovered that they were traveling near here, and it was great to see them again. And my dear friend and prayer partner from past years in Michigan came for a few hours also. Everyone fit together and it was a great day.

I hope your day today is great too.

Sunday morning the pastor helped the entire congregation memorize the following verses from 2 Thessalonians 5: 16-18. Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. He emphasized the first "in," saying that the "circumstances" are temporary conditions whether pleasant or not. In the midst of temporary circumstances, we want to be sure to give thanks for the gifts of grace that are indestructible.

Love,
Carol

A Dark and Scarey Place

Dear friends, if you're walking in a dark and scarey place and if I know about it, I was probably thinking about you last night. We're at the lake, by ourselves, and went to bed so early that I had some awake time during the night when my thoughts went to people I care a lot about who are in difficult circumstances right now. So I worried awhile, and then prayed. Then I opened my eyes and saw the little illuminated FROG sculpture that Chuck brought along with us. It reminded me that all of us--you and I both--need to Fully Rely On God when we're in dark places. I hope you're doing that. I want that to be the rule of my life too. And also to POG (Praise Our God).

I've been thinking that if I never see another smile or get another hug, if I never hear another kind word or have another pain-free day, if I never again feel the warmth of the sun or listen to a beautiful piece of music--if I never experience another blessing in this life, I've still got so much to thank God for that thanksgiving could be a permanent condition. I hope it will be. And especially since the things I just listed and so much more appear to be continuing for awhile at least. God is so good! And then, most essential, He is faithful both to keep all His promises and to take me safely home to His presence for ever. Thanks, God, for Yourself and for everything.

Chuck is breathing much better. Someone must have prayed for him. This cold weather is always hard on him.

We're enjoying our family.

Love,
Carol

Can't Stop Smiling

Somehow I just can't stop smiling. Yesterday afternoon's "open house" was a feast of friendship. We lost count of the number of friends and relatives who showed up. What a lot of hugs and smiles and shared memories and expressions of love and prayer support. We can never forget the rich treasure of those hours. There was of course the sad fact that we couldn't spend the hour or more we longed to spend with each person. But oh, it was special.

Many times one or another would say, "Just think what it'll be like in heaven, where we'll have as much time as we'd like for this kind of fellowship." Yes, just imagine!

Then last evening we were at the board meeting of the small mission led by our dear friends Geza and Ildiko Kovacs in Budapest, Hungary. We're amazed at the way God is using them and their grown children to plant a contemporary church among those wonderful people. We were visiting there in spring 1990, rolling in on the train just in time to see the Russian tanks rolling out! Then a few years later we were there and saw the very early beginnings of this church (meeting in a living room). Now they've purchased property and are trusting God to be able to begin construction early in 2007. But they're not focused only on themselves. They already support evangelists who are out in other parts of Hungary doing the same thing. And Ildiko has a shepherding ministry with pastors' wives all over the country; in addition, she organizes women's conferences in many places. The latest drew about 6,000 women. After so many decades of Communist repression, the work of the Kovacs is precisely what the nation needs. In fact, the name of the organization that met last night is "Serving A Nation."

We'll soon be on the road again heading back to Indiana, where we'll enjoy the visit of friends tomorrow and time with family for the rest of the week.

The sweet time yesterday was invigorating, and we're feeling no fatigue.

Whether or not you live where Thanksgiving Day is celebrated, I hope you have a thankful heart.
Love,
Carol

No, We Haven't Fallen in a Snowbank

It's very frosty here, but we're not stuck in snow. We simply slept in late this morning, because Chuck struggled a lot in the night with breathing. (The cold up north isn't healthy for him.)

I learned more about my thanksgiving list yesterday in church. Pastor Van Valin ran down the usual responses to the Thanksgiving dinner question, "So, let's all say what we're thankful for." Family always tops the list, followed by friends, material provisions, creation beauties, etc. He reminded us that all such blessings, thankworthy as they are, are circumstantial and temporary. He said we can track, via our thanksgiving, to the root of our attachments. And, he warned, unless we're rooted in "forever" attachments, most of us will come to huge disappointments at some time or other. It's not difficult to find a host of eternal wonders, beginning with God Himself, and extending to His salvation, His Word, His promises, His peace, and His church. (Okay, I'll admit that church disappoints us at times, but He's still working on making it glorious.) Pastor Mark showed us Bible verses tracing all the things Jesus and Paul gave thanks for. I think I'll spend some more time studying my notes.

Justin and his friend Lora joined us for much of yesterday afternoon; it was a loving and pleasant day. This afternoon we'll greet friends at our "open house" at the food court. I am SO looking forward to that.

We spoke with Jeremy on Saturday. He sounds happy about his friendships and his prayer life. His French also seems to be working for him now, at least with young people. His mom had spoken more at length with him, and she posted an update on his blog, jeremyinafrica.blogspot.com. He'll be back in the city Niamey about December 12.

Nothing new to report in the cancer or kemo department. Every day I take that fact as evidence of answers to prayer.

Love,
Carol

A Blaze of Glory

Yesterday morning we left Charlotte at 5:30. That took us to the mountains at sunrise. The sky in the east was spectacular, awash in shades of rose and pale gold. The view to the west was even more startling. Every mountain slope, every bare tree, every pine was blazing red. Not since we drove past the Alaska Highway glaciers at daybreak have we seen such a splendid reflection of the rising sun. The kaleidoscope of glory lasted several minutes; the memory might last a lifetime. Sky views like that always remind me of my grandmother Esther. She was so sure that Jesus would return in her lifetime that she would gasp in wonder at such a sight, then ask in Swedish, "Oh, are you coming now?"

The trip was pleasant. Chuck insisted on driving the entire way, even though I was capable. In fact, I napped only about half an hour. Spent quite a bit of time on the phone connecting with family and friends.

Last evening with Sue and Jeff was lovely, and now we're looking forward to worship with them at Spring Arbor Free Methodist Church. Every time there is enriching.

Have a blessed Sunday.
Love,
Carol

Saturday's Posting

Saturday, November 18

I should travel more! On Friday I finished all the tasks I needed to do before leaving for a week, and then I even cleaned my desk. It looked so good I felt I should warn people not to start a rumor that I was retiring. I’ll be back. We’re having a lot of trouble with our connection to the internet, so I’ll just have to upload this whenever it works.

Friday’s praises in 31 Days of Praise were relevant—at least to me and I think to others as well. So I’ll quote part of the reading here.

“Thank You that You have me in the place You want me just now . . . that even if I got here through wrong choices or indifference or even rebellion, yet You knew my mistakes and sins before I ever existed, and You worked them into Your plan to draw me to Yourself, to mold and bless me, and to bless others through me. Thank You that, even if I’m here through the ill-will or poor judgment of other people, all is well; for in Your sovereign wisdom You are at work to bring about good results from all those past decisions, those past events beyond my control—good results both for me and for others.

“I’m glad, Lord that You are . . . well able to work things out for us, to turn evil into good. I stand amazed at the complexity and mystery of Your wisdom. How safe it is for me to trust Your reasons and Your methods.

“So I rest in the fact that You have me in this place for this day, and I praise You that You will faithfully guide me throughout life to just where You want me to be, as I seek to do Your well. And most important of all is my place in You. And to think that I will dwell in Your house forever!”

Those are good additions to my Thanksgiving list.

Blessings,
Carol

Remember . . .

I read about a rising young Broadway star (the new Mary Poppins). She said her father had given her a mantra: "Remember who you are and where you came from." That's not bad. But this is even better: "Remember Whose you are and where you're going." First, I am God's. I am His because He made me, and I'm His because He redeemed me through Christ's death, and I'm His because I want to be. (Any other owner, including myself, is a tyrant.) Second, I am going on a journey of His design, and ultimately to the place where He is. The more I think about it, the better I like this "mantra." (I just remembered that Tom told us on Sunday that our best motivation is not the past but the future. Got it, Tom.) Maybe I'll write more on this another day.

We just learned that last week a dear friend drove his SUV under (yes, under) the back end of a huge tractor-trailer and was trapped there for almost an hour. Miraculously, when rescue workers extricated him, he emerged with only minor injuries. We saw a picture of the remnants of his car. It was a miracle. We pray for him and his wife and their ministry every day; I can't say we've ever thought to pray for safety, but nevertheless we accept this good outcome as a direct answer to prayer.

Starting tomorrow we'll be away for eight days. I'll be in touch when I can, but maybe not every day.

You know how it is when you want to leave your desk for a week. I really need a clear and disciplined mind today. And I need to continue to Fully Rely On God for His continuing control over my cancer, health and future.

Thanks for praying.

Carol

Things Are Not what They Seem

I'm still chuckling over this one:
A plane needed a one-hour delay at an airport, so the passengers were allowed to get off and stretch their legs. A blind man traveling with his guide dog chose to remain seated. Apparently he was a frequent traveler, because the de-planing pilot recognized him and asked him if he wouldn't like to walk a bit. "No," he replied, "but I'll bet my dog would like some exercise." So his pilot friend, wearing sun glasses, picked up the guide dog's leash and led him up the jetway. At once there was a mad scramble as the waiting passengers ran to nearby desks to change to another flight--to another airline, if possible. Their conclusion seemed accurate--but, of course, they were wrong. I hate to think how often I have rushed to judgment on a person, a situation, even God, when I've been dead wrong. Things are not what they seem.

I'm still feeling well and keeping an almost-normal schedule. "New" normal, anyway. I'm starting my Thanksgiving list early this year; it will be long. We plan to drive to Michigan on Saturday to spend the weekend with daughter Sue and her family. Monday we'll be back in our old hometown, Lansing, Michigan, and will spend the afternoon at the food court at Meridian Mall, where we've invited our friends to drop in for a hug. Then we'll spend the rest of the week, including Thanksgiving Day on Thursday, at our lake house in Indiana for more family time.

I was skimming the AARP magazine, and had to laugh at an article describing radical steps we could take to keep our hands from revealing our true age. Oh my goodness! When you're alive, why would you worry about veins and wrinkles?

Have a great day.

Love,
Carol

Setting the Record Straight

When someone has a serious disease, it's easy to overlook her faults and overstate her virtues. Sometimes I get the impression that this is happening on my behalf. So this morning I want to set the record straight. I am not a good person. Truly, I am not. I am forgiven, Yes! By God through Christ first of all, and also by you--most of whom I have offended at some time and in some way. But just because I'm walking through the "valley of the shadow of cancer," and just because I'm writing here the good words of encouragement that keep me going, I have not become heroic or saintly. Self-centeredness, a critical spirit, and an unguarded tongue--these only begin to list my faults. Whatever good anyone sees is the goodness of God, and whatever faith I'm able to exercise is purely a gift from Him. There. That's the truth.

The anemia must be improving; at least my energy is increasing. The burning, itching lesion on my toe has not spread, so whatever it is, it's probably not an effect of this new chemo. Nasty germs are everywhere these days, and I'm still feeling well. God is answering our prayers. I'm so grateful.

Awhile ago I asked prayer for an SIM friend who, like my "cancer buddy," was battling blood clots in his lungs. Yesterday I learned that they are now suspecting cancer and are trying to find it. I'm praying that they'll find the cause and that it won't be cancer.

I'd like to share a beautiful prayer from a collection titled The Valley of Vision, a Collection of Puritan Prayers. (I'm changing "thee" to "you," since I understand it better that way.)

It is fitting that You should not regard me,
for I am vile and selfish;
Yet I seek You,
And when I find You there is no wrath
to devour me,
but only sweet love.
You stand as a rock between the scorching sun and my soul,
And I live under the cool lee-side...
When my mind acts without You
it spins nothing but deceit and delusions;
When my affections act without You
Nothing is seen but dead works.
O, how I need You to abide in me,
For I have no natural eyes to see You,
But I live by faith in One whose face to me
is brighter than a thousand suns!

May His face shine on you today.

Love,
Carol

Unconditional

Yesterday seemed to be one of those days for low achievement. I worked all day, but felt I had little to show for it at the end of the day. Checking details, answering e-mails, and digging out facts often fill time that way. I was glad for my morning reading in 31 Days of Praise, "Thank You . . . that nothing can separate me from Your limitless, intensely personal love--the one love that is not the least bit based on how much I deserve it, the one love that can never lessen or fail. Thank You that You will never be disillusioned with me, for You already know all about me: past, present and future. How great is Your love towad me, Father, that I should be called Your child."

Our friend's doctor thought yesterday that his lung blood clots must be dissolved because his blood has thinned properly. They'll do more checking today. It's surely an answer to prayer. They must wait until the end of the month for a p-t scan to check on the lung tumors.

Yesterday's paper quoted a famous singer as saying that all religious faith should be outlawed. On the radio a couple of weeks ago I heard an interview with the author of a book arguing the same. And a letter to a news magazine this week said people with firm religious beliefs should be excluded from the sciences. I am so thankful for the freedom we have, and so sorry for those who feel that God is irrelevant (or dangerous). May God have mercy!

There's nothing to report about my health. I feel quite well, and keep on doing the things that I trust are fighting the cancer. I'm grateful for your prayers.

Have a wonderful day.
Carol

Ordinary

Ordinary people! I’ve always viewed Hebrews 11 as a directory of heroes, but yesterday we learned that most of the people named were ordinary people who got in the habit of living their ordinary lives with God as their point of reference. (They “walked with” God.) And when God brought extraordinary circumstances or opportunities into their lives, they were so used to trusting Him that they kept right on doing so, and as a result the record of their lives was that, “By faith,” they did this or that. Four times in the chapter, it says they were “commended”—for believing, not for doing great deeds. Well I say, when you have such a strong and trustworthy God, all options for living other than trusting Him seem really foolish.

I got to thinking about you all. We’re only three weeks short of a full year since I learned of my cancer and started this blog. And “by faith,” you are continuing to pray for me, even though I haven’t gone into remission and the cancer numbers are climbing and the weeks stretch into months, still “by faith” you pray. You are my heroes of faith. Thank you.

Our dear friend Sue, a nurse with SIM, came yesterday morning and has already left this morning. Her visit was a refreshing love and presence. She had recently heard a talk by Dr. Ed Dobson, a Grand Rapids former pastor who has ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). He listed 9 unhelpful things people commonly say to those living with terminal illness. It sounded like most sick people could identify with him. I realized, with great thankfulness, that my friends are unusual. I’m not hearing those unhelpful statements at all (except for #9, “If you’ll buy this product from me, I’m sure it will make you well.” And I’ve heard that one only rarely.) How can I thank you for being so wise that you make only helpful, encouraging comments?

My cancer buddy’s blood is at last beginning to thin and we pray that soon the clots in his lungs will dissolve. He also needs relief from extreme fatigue.

It’s a beautiful morning and I’m feeling ready for a day’s work. For myself, we continue to pray that the cancer will recede and the blood test in two weeks will show a drop in numbers. We’re praying also that the neuropathy in my hands and feet will turn around; it’s been getting worse this month. And as always, my #1 request is to fully live this day—with God as my point of reference.

Love,
Carol

Don't Miss a Chance

In a recent blog I reminded myself and all of us that every encounter is a chance to show love and encouragement. Last night I woke up realizing that I'd missed such an opportunity yesterday. It's so easy to cocoon myself in my own busyness and fail to notice the quiet voice of God saying, "There, that person--see what you can do to encourage him."

Hebrews 11, our lesson for this morning, says "...faith is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." One thing I want to ask God for, in faith, is a listening ear--both to hear His voice and also to hear another's silent call for help in the midst of an ordinary conversation.

We had a semi-Thanksgiving dinner yesterday in celebration of all the past Thanksgivings in Michigan that Chuck's cousin's family used to share with us. To our delight, my cousin Paul and his colleague were in town to speak at a mission conference, and they joined in our "Thanksgiving" as well. I'm thankful for family.

I'm thankful also to feel quite well, and looking forward to learning to know God better at church this morning. Our guests have a long drive ahead of them and must leave after breakfast. Then a dear missionary friend is passing through and will come to spend the afternoon and overnight with us. Wonderful.

Have a blessed day.
Carol

People

This morning the computer was in a bad mood, and as Chuck was coaxing it back to usefulness, I picked up a small book by Dr. Joseph Stowell titled The Final Question of Jesus. Jesus' final question was to Peter, "Do you love me?" The context was Peter's decision to quit the people business and go back to his old fishing business. When Peter answered, "Yes, of course," Jesus called him again to people ministry: "Tend my lambs." Dr. Stowell says our love for Jesus will be measured by how we care for people. That was a good reminder for me this morning.

While Jeremy was in the city, with internet access, he sent a "rhythmic sequence" (he refuses to be a poet) he'd written for me. If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know that while he was living with us he and I often sang worship songs in the evenings, accompanied by his guitar and my piano. It's a sweet memory for me, and apparently also for him. He gave me permission to share his words here, though he said it needs more work.

Singing songs with Grandma

A memory engrained
When all else fades
It will remain
Our voices joined together
Rusty and out of tune
As she sang me to sleep
Tucked away in my room
Whether we sang "As the Deer,"
Under my fortress of sheets
Or "Blessed Be Your Name,"
Even when the cancer depletes
And our Father was looking down
On the praise from His children
Knowing that one day soon
We would be together with Him
These times won't be lost
These songs will never fade
They can only grow sweeter
When I hear the songs played
Now I can see it clearly
That when our voices uncurled
We were scratching the surface
Of a whole new world
I can't help but praise God
For where our voices once tangled
Soon they will be joined
By a host of heaven's angels
And as eternity unfolds
Grandma's voice will join my own
Accompanied by the angels
As we sing before His throne

Chuck's cousin and his family (from Michigan) are here with us for the weekend. God has rolled out some of North Carolina's sweetest weather for them. And I rolled out a pie made of North Carolina mountain apples. Wish you were here.

Reminder for all of us for today: Tend the "lambs" Jesus has put in our lives.

Oh, yes, I'm still feeling well, thanks to God. The sore on my toe is no worse. It seems the neuropathy in general is flaring up a little, but both feet still work.

Love,
Carol

How Much Faith Does it Take?

We're going to study Hebrews 11 Sunday morning. Tom's class letter arrived yesterday, with some big encouragement. He writes, "Faith does not have to be gigantic. Some heroes of faith weren't any more spiritual giants than you or me." He reminds us that when the 12 disciples asked Jesus to increase their faith, He didn't give them a growth formula but rather expressed His approval of any size faith they might have--even "faith as small as a mustard seed" (Luke 17:6). Tom goes on, "The point for Jesus is not how big or strong your faith is, but that you use it, live it, act on the faith you have. It's not the size of our faith that makes a difference, any size faith connects with the same-sized God." The same-sized God! What a thought! Big enough to do anything. And so happy when His kids trust Him that He pushes all His power in their direction. No matter how scared they are or how trembling is their faith. As soon as I click Send here, I'm going to read Hebrews 11, and remember that ordinary people by faith can connect with our extraordinary God.

I'm really feeling better. Thanks for your prayers. I still realize that I need a lot of sleep, but I'm so thankful to be doing so well. I have a sore developing on a small toe. That's one of the things to watch for on Doxil. But maybe it's only a blister. The doctor's office closes at noon on Friday, and besides my doctor is in Thailand right now. I guess I'll trust God with it and treat it like an ordinary thing rather than kemo-related. (Have you noticed how big things seem to people with cancer?)

Jeremy (grandson) is in the city of Niamey, Niger, for a few days, so we've been able to be in touch. Chuck has installed Skype on our computer, so it's free. You know, I'm not very keen about technical things, and often in my life technical things have let me down. (A microphone fails, or a projector bulb burns out, or a computer crashes.) Still, with the small trust I have in things technical, and the even smaller understanding I have of how they work, I can click on a box and if Jeremy is also online, we can speak to each other! He's having the time of his life, and it looks like the young people in his town like him a lot.

Blessings,
Carol

Back to Basics

This morning I was reading in the book of Titus, and I saw myself in this description (chapter 3, verse 3): "Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled by others and becme slaves tomany wicked desires and evil pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy. We hated others, and they hated us." But then--oh, but then comes the best news! "But then God our Savior showed us his kindness and love. He saved us, not because of the good things we did, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins and gave us a new life through the Holy Spirit" (verse 4). The truth of it came to me with fresh hope and life today.

I wasn't nearly as exhausted yesterday as I had been Monday and Tuesday; I think I'm out of the pit again. Thanks for your prayers.

Our friend with lung cancer is apparently making some progress against the blood clots. We continue to pray. Haven't heard any results of his scan yet.

Have a great day.
Carol

You Raise Me Up

I've been in a deep pit of fatigue (probably the anemia). Since Monday evening, I've hardly left the bed except for my scheduled 3-month check-up with the surgeon. (He says everything looks great.) So I was in the mood to complain, but as I was waking up this morning, the Selah song, "You Raise Me Up," came to my mind, and I thought I'd quote that instead. (I know I've done that before, but it was months ago.)

When I am down, and oh, my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
And I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be.

I think I'm better this morning and I'll probably stay up awhile. Maybe all day.

I've been thinking there are three basic ways to face a life-threatening disease.

First, medicine. If the patient doesn't survive, we blame medicine. The researchers haven't paid enough attention to ovarian cancer, for example, so they don't have proven treatments for it.

Second, diet and supplements. If the patient doesn't survive, we blame the patient. She didn't choose the right supplements, or she wasn't faithful enough in taking them, or she didn't follow the right diet or she cheated too much.

Third (and best), faith. If the patient doesn't survive, we blame the patient. She dared to speak words like "if" and "maybe," and thereby broke the spell of healing. Or she didn't claim the right Bible verse. This is extreme, I realize, but I think sometimes we get sloppy in our thinking about God, and we admit magical thinking into the mix. He isn't a magician. He is the sovereign Creator and all-wise Lover. What He chooses is always best, and it's not a magic spell that the patient can ruin by what she says.

As you know, my first and best hope is God. I'm also receiving the best medical care available, and taking in the food and supplements that seem most likely to support the first two. And "if" I don't make it, we will not blame either God or me or doctors, but will rather accept the decision of the One who truly does know best. How can we be so presumptuous as to refuse to say, "Thy will be done"? Meanwhile, every day I experience wonderful answers to your loving prayers. Thank you.

Love,
Carol

My thoughts don't travel this way very often, but since I've decided to publish an honest record of my journey through cancer, I thought I'd include this.

Don't Cry for Me

Yesterday the communication team at SIM International got to teach the new missionary candidates at SIMUSA about their own potential for communicating to their friends and supporters. They are remarkable people. We joined them for lunch, and I shared a table with a family who are headed for Ethiopia. She's a family practitioner and will provide medical care for the mission community there. Her husband will teach at the Bible College. Seems like we've been praying for years for a doctor to take up that position; it was fun to get to know the answer in person.

I heard from a friend who is also battling cancer. Just now it's harder for her, because her husband doesn't want to talk about possible death. He wants her to maintain a fighting posture all the time--fighting for "this present world, for life." I think it's up to us, the ones who are "fighting for life" but honestly facing the possibility of death, to keep on knocking until the door of conversation opens with those we care about. Jars of Clay is an outstanding contemporary band, and on one of their recent albums (maybe the latest?) they sing a song titled "All My Tears," about the believer's hope. I thought I'd share part of it here. It's true! (Well, except for the command "don't cry." How can we not? But then, when we cry after a death, we're really crying for ourselves, aren't we, not for the one who is now fully whole.)

Jars of Clay – “All My Tears”
When I go, don’t cry for me
In my Father’s arms I’ll be
The wounds the world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I’ll be whole
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus’ face
And I will not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name

So weep not for me, my friends
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.

Time and again the Bible reminds us to focus our thoughts on our real life--the life we will share with Him forever. Let's do that today, whatever else is keeping our minds and hands busy.

Love,
Carol

Band-Aid

After four exotic, high-priced hypo-allergenic adhesives left the area around my new port blistered and burning, I tried a plain old oversized Band-Aid yesterday morning. Happily, it held the dressing in place and caused no skin reaction. The old blisters still itch, but they're healing. This is another addition to the Thanks column!

Yesterday morning I awoke in the middle of a dream, just as a woman was saying, "Our government has failed, because I don't feel safe on our streets." I've kept thinking about that, maybe because tomorrow is election day here in the U.S. My recent reading sheds light on that comment. The founders of our republic said often that the form of government they were establishing could succeed only for people with a commitment to morality based on biblical faith. The current "rule" regarding the wall of separation between church and state comes not from the constitution but from a letter President Thomas Jefferson wrote to New England Baptists, promising them that the federal government would not favor one denomination over another, thus ensuring their freedom to practice their faith. Our government has kept that promise. Our courts and schools, however, seem on a rampage to destroy faith. And when faith-based morals fail, can democracy succeed? We get excited when third-world countries turn to democracy, and especially when they elect an evangelical president. But corruption seems to flourish unchecked. As the founding fathers said, democracy depends on morality. In its absence, a totalitarian government does "better" at controlling daily behavior. May God have mercy on us.

Sorry, that was a rabbit-trail, wasn't it? I'm feeling well, though more fatigued. I hope the injections for anemia will kick in soon (I had one last Wednesday, and will get another two weeks later). Yesterday I, a worldclass nap hater, took a nap.

Our teacher said yesterday morning that every step we take towards God, whether in our thoughts or behavior, He accepts as an act of worship and it makes Him glad. That's the direction I want my steps to take me today.

Love,
Carol

Soft Pillow, Green Heart, Singing Birds

Yesterday's devotion in Streams in the Desert was about times of trouble, in which God gives us fresh revelations of Himself. I read, "Submission to God's divine will is the softest pillow on which to rest."

It filled the room, and it filled my life,
With a glory of source unseen;
It made me calm in the midst of strife,
And in winter my heart was green.
And the birds of promise sang on the tree
When the storm was breaking on land and sea.

With the weather turning wintry, I'm looking forward, nevertheless, to a "green heart," and to birds of promise.

We really enjoyed the movie "One Night with the King" yesterday afternoon. It's quite true to the book of Esther in the Bible, and it's beautiful.

I'm still feeling well. The port site is giving me a bit of a problem. It appears that my skin reacts to all 4 adhesives we've tried since Wednesday, and while the incision is drying up nicely, it's surrounded by very itchy water blisters. We'll try something else this morning. The radiologist persuaded me to accept the port in my upper left arm rather than my chest, insisting there were no differences and that the oncologist had ordered it in the arm. After it was all over, they told me I can never again test blood pressure or have blood drawn from that arm except through the port (which requires sebsequent infusions of saline and heparin). My routine tests for CA 125 are supposed to be done at the medical office at the mission, but they can't do the port procedure. Unfortunately, I'm down to one vein for drawing blood and it's on my left hand. Moreover, I can't ever monitor my own blood pressure at a drug store, because they're all set up for the left arm. (He chose the left arm because I'm right-handed, but that wouldn't have made a bit of difference--if only I'd known.) I'm a little upset by the insistence that there's no difference between an arm and a chest port. I know I need to go with the flow and not fret about small stuff.

As always, we're looking forward to this morning's class, and to discovering more about God. Hope your Sunday is/was wonderful.

Love,
Carol

Thanks to God

The young man who won't be playing basketball this season has landed on his feet and will "pursue other interests." My cancer buddy learned yesterday that he has blood clots in both lungs. He's treating the condition aggressively, and we pray they'll dissolve quickly. No report yet on his scan. (Waiting is so hard. Wouldn't we love it if radiologists and doctors understood that and would read and report tests right away?)

Tomorrow's Sunday School lesson is in Hebrews 10. Tom's pre-class letter calls it a peek into private conversations within the Trinity. He says, "In every part of the Bible, [God] talks about his delight in obedience. It's a joy he had in mind when he created man. From Adam on down, no one ever gave Him that exquisite pleasure." So the Son offered himself to become human and fill up the Father's joy with one life of total obedience. "I come to do your will," he said. But there's more God-joy, the joy of forgiveness. Because of the Son's obedient death, he transformed God's disappointment over our disobedience into the pleasure of forgiveness. Amazing!

We've "unplanned," which means a quiet weekend. We're going to the 4:00 showing of "One Night with the King," the Hollywood take on Queen Esther. Esther is my middle name and I was named for both her and my grandmother. "If I perish, I perish," she said.

Hope your weekend is great.

Love,
Carol

Please Pray

Our Sunday School friend with lung cancer has had a fever for several days, and despite antibiotics it's no better. He's terribly fatigued. The doctor can't find a cause, so is sending him for a C-T scan and pulmonary angiogram today. He even said the dreaded words, "Maybe the cancer is growing again." Please pray for him and his wife.

And a wonderful young man is waking up with a broken heart this morning because he didn't make his school's basketball team. He prayed so hard, and now he's facing a crisis of faith. I know it's an important life lesson and all that, but right now he needs to feel God's nearness and comfort.

Speaking of "life lesson," a new book titled After Cancer Treatment is soon to be published. The author, herself a cancer survivor, recognized that returning from cancer meant building a new life based on some losses and some gains. She quotes a philosopher named Joseph Campbell: "We must be willing to give up the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Medically speaking, it doesn't look like I'll be at the "after cancer treatment" stage any time soon, but I think the wisdom in this quote applies to during treatment as well. Also to being cut from the team. And every other life situation in which you and I find ourselves today. "We must be willing to give up the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." If I didn't worship a God Who is both good and personal, I'm sure I'd have serious doubts about "the life that is waiting." What if it's terrible? But knowing the One Who planned it, it's okay. We can untie the ribbon and unwrap the gift of each new day with hope and gratitude--even if it's vastly different from our earlier plans.

None of the scary side effects of Doxil have shown up, and I'm planning a full day at work today. How can I thank you for your prayers? Feeling this well is a miracle.

Blessings,
Carol

Thanks for Praying

Implantation of the port yesterday was certainly nothing to dread, and I'm glad I hadn't wasted time or energy fretting about it. And it was such a relief to have ready access for the kemo. Dr. Boyd was considering switching to a different kemo since the CA 125 had climbed significantly, but decided to give Doxil one more chance. He was influenced by how well I feel, and by the mean reputation of the cisplatin he'd thought of switching to. We're praying that during the 3 weeks before my next blood test, those cancer markers will level off so we don't have to make that switch yet. Hey, how about praying that we never have to! (Even if they're still rising, if the rate slows it will be a good sign that the Doxil is working.) I feel pretty well today, but I plan to stay home. Tests show I've gone anemic for the first time in several months, and I think I'll just rest when I feel like it. I did get an injection to boost the hemoglobin, so eventually I should regain some energy.

I think I've mentioned that I'm taking advantage of this season of feeling well to sort through some of the clutter I've managed to accumulate. Even if I live a long time, it should be done. I found a packet of "treasures" my mother had asked me to store for her and I'd completely forgotten about. It's mostly ancient newspaper clippings and precious letters from her kids and grandchildren. And her lovely 70-year-old satin wedding gown. This was written on a tiny note card: "I'd rather live in a hovel and marvel at everything than live in a mansion and marvel at nothing." Well, Mom, you're in a mansion now, and your lifelong habit of marveling at everything is surely continuing in that wonderful place!

Yesterday a friend wrote, "While driving to Bible Study Fellowship this morning, I was thanking God for the leafy shades of yellow and light green that announce the subtle arrival of autumn in Texas. While trying hard NOT to compare what I was seeing with the absolutely GLORIOUS colors of my childhood autumns in New Jersey and young adulthood in Michigan, I did let one little prayer escape: 'Oh, dear Lord, if I could only see a maple tree, even just one!'" Then she went home, saw the maple tree on my blog, and thanked the Lord for answering her prayer. Don't you love split-second timing like that? The day before, my college friend had written that my comments about 31 Days of Praise had appeared on a day when she was "in the pits" over family situations and her own perceived failure to say the right thing. It encouraged her to know she'd done the right thing in sending that book. If you knew her, you'd agree with me that she does hundreds of right things daily, but I understand about down days. And it's an indication of the bigness of God that He takes a little thing like a "random" blog and uses it to encourage one of His dear children exactly when she needs it.

Okay, back to bed for awhile.

Thanks for praying.

Carol

God, How Did You Do That?

I remember as a young woman driving down a Michigan highway with brightly colored woods on either side and asking, "God, how did You do that?" Since then I've learned that as the days grow shorter, the leaves' little stemlets seal themselves off from the twigs they hang on. With no more flow of chlorophyll, the green fades and the true colors, which had been there ever since spring, shine through. So now, my question has changed to, "God why did You do that?" I think it must be for His own sheer love of color, of beauty. For eons, maybe, the members of the Trinity anticipated each autumn on the small sphere called Earth; and as the trees turned color they must have given each Other a high five and said, "Isn't that splendid!" Then came the day when God said, "Let us make people in our own image," and it was so. And now, each autumn, we catch our breath in wonder and join Him in saying, "Isn't that splendid!" The maple tree above is in our front yard. You who live with baobabs and thorn trees have different splendors, I know, but I wanted to share this one with you.

Maybe you were thinking I'd write more this morning of my thoughts regarding cancer and today's schedule. I decided to push those thoughts to the back corner of my mind, to show up where I need to today, and let them do what they must do. I'll let you know tomorrow how it turns out. (The port installation is at 10:30 and kemo at 1:00.)

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust!" (Psalm 91:1-2)

Praise Our God!
Carol

P.S. My dorm neighbor at Michigan State in 1958-59 was the one who sent me 31 Days of Praise. It's helping me keep life right-side-up.