Surgery Scheduled

Urgent gallbladder surgery is scheduled for Carol at 10:30 AM tomorrow (Sunday). The surgeon is hoping to do this by laparoscopic surgery, but if that is not possible he will proceed with open surgery. Please pray for skill for the surgeon and the anaesthesiologist. Carol is quite sensitive to drugs so we are praying that only the minimal amount is used during the surgery.

Your prayers are so much appreciated!

Love,

Chuck...and Carol too

Hurting Heart

Have you ever felt your heart hurt? It is a feeling like you cannot describe but it is very real. My heart hurts. Hurts for Carol…for our family…for our friends…and yes, selfishly for myself too. It is a difficult time of life, watching one that you love going through such major physical struggles. I do not know how it is possible to face such things without that Friend above all friends, our Lord and Savior who went through much more than we ever will for us, and who is with us in whatever we face. That does not erase the pain, but it does give us that much needed HOPE.

A friend from South America sent an email yesterday that I read to Carol. She said …”how we THANK GOD that there are NO stones, “upsets,” aches, pains, hurts, fears, anxieties where we are ALL going…sigh.” She referred to 2 Corinthians 5:1-10 which I also read to Carol. It is such a wonderful passage describing our new bodies and new home in heaven “…God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us the Holy Spirit.” Yes there is HOPE!

Carol made it through yesterday without further “upsets.” It appears that her gallbladder is adding to her problem, and she spent about three hours getting HIDA scans (nuclear) to evaluate its condition. We will meet with the doctor today to determine how to proceed, if surgery is even an option. We do not know how long she will be hospitalized but we were told that she will remain there over the weekend.

Your love, prayers and encouragement mean so much to us! We are blessed!

Love,

Chuck…and Carol too

Waiting & Praying

We were fortunate to arrive at the hospital yesterday in time to get an ultrasound, x-rays and blood work completed so hopefully the reports are available for the doctor when we meet with him early this morning. Talking with the technician, we suspect that there may be a gallbladder problem that needs to be addressed. Please pray for guidance and wisdom for the medical people as they evaluate the reports and for any additional specialists that we may need to quickly call upon.

Daughter Sue (RN) will be flying in from Michigan this morning to be with us for a few days, helping to evaluate the reports and make decisions on what should be done. We have appreciated her council during many phone calls, and look forward to her arrival. What is a greater blessing than caring family members and friends?

Carol had quite a difficult day yesterday, but was able to take a bit of fluid late in the evening and keep it down. That was an answer to prayer after so many “upsets” during the day. I trust that she got some rest and I will be heading back to the hospital as soon as this blog is sent. Will let you know of any major changes.

Yes, these are difficult times for all of us. As we project ahead, we know what the ultimate is, and look forward to taking that leap from here to eternity. It is that time between now and then that can be concerning, but we strive to keep FROGing (Fully Relying on God) day by day, praying for a miracle but ready to accept what ever the Lord allows us to experience along the way.

Many times I am reminded of Jesus prayer in Gethsemane (Mark 14:26) when he said in part “…Please take this cup of suffering away from me.” But then he followed that statement saying “Yet I want your will, not mine.” Yes, we would love to have this cup taken away, but most of all it is His will that we want, not ours.

Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. We appreciate all of you!!!

Love,

Chuck…and Carol too

Headed for Hospital

Carol is completing infusions at the Oncologist's office presently, after which I will be admitting her to the hospital to get to the bottom of these problems. This is not a crisis, but it is mutually agreed that we should be able to complete the tests there quicker and have results sooner by admitting her.

Thanks for your prayers!

Chuck...and Carol too

Thursday morning's posting

I'm writing this Wednesday evening. Thursday morning we'll be heading out early to the doctor's office to get more fluids and talk with the nurse practitioner. I have a list of about eight concerns, most of which are interlinked.

If I can't stop vomiting, though, I'll probably have to go to the hospital tonight. If that happens, we'll post another blog. So if there's no more news, you can assume that I've slept the night at home and will go to the doctor's office first thing in the morning. They may send me to the hospital after all, but I hope not.

God is still good. All the time.

Thanks for your prayers.

Love,
Carol

Case Manager

Yesterday as I sat in the infusion chair, I began to wish that a nurse would come and sit down so we could leisurely discuss the many interwoven concerns I have about my present condition. Impossible, of course; the room was completely full of patients and the nurses were running. So as we were leaving, I told Mary, the head nurse, what I'd been wishing, and as a result I have an appointment tomorrow morning (just before the next iron infusion) to talk it all through with the oncology nurse practitioner. Now I'm trying to organize my thoughts and concerns in order to ask precise questions and be sure we handle this specific patient, me, as a complete system and not as a series of disconnected complaints. I'm very relieved to have this opportunity, and so glad I asked.

It occurs to me that the above applies to prayer too. First, of course, to simply ask our loving and strong Father for what we need. But also, I think, it's good to prepare our requests, rather than simply ramble all over the place. He knows better than we do what we need and how He can best help us. Still, it would be a mark of respect to speak to Him thoughtfully, and to articulate as clearly as possible what it is that we're asking Him to do.

Blogger was quite troublesome this morning, so I think I'd better quit now and get this uploaded. I feel somewhat stronger today, and plan to spend less time sleeping; hope I'm right about that.

Love,
Carol

Remembering

Both Sunday and Monday evenings we watched T-V programs memorializing the faithful sacrifice of the military in all past wars. They are true heroes. Several 80-year-olds in recounting their experiences of 60 years ago were still overcome with emotion. One summed it up, "Freedom isn't free." That's why we have Memorial Day--to remember! Lest we forget.

We had such a lovely morning with our breakast guests. They're thoughtful people who ask meaningful questions like, "What have you learned during these 2 1/2 years with cancer?" I replied that the biggest lessons have been about God (His faithfulness, His mystery, His sovereignty, His kindness). The second group of lessons was about people--so kind, so caring, so supportive. We are blessed.

After they left, I spent several hours of the day sleeping--again. I suppose the chemo pills are causing this fatigue. Today is the end of week one on the pills; I'll be glad to finish this round and test the cancer numbers to see what's going on.

I think I feel better today. I plan to work a few hours, and then this afternoon I'll get another iron infusion. I'll see if my nurse has any ideas about how I've felt the past 3 days.

Blessings,
Carol

He is in control!

We can make our plans, but once again we were reminded that the Lord can change them and we are thankful to be in His hands and under His control even when sometimes the result is not what we planned.

Our plans to head for the mountains after church yesterday did not materialize. Carol was extremely tired and had a nasty bout with nausea which caused us to cancel those plans to attend a special concert with another couple from Charlotte. Instead, Carol spent most of the day sleeping while hopefully the chemo pills did their work on the cancer.

This morning we are looking forward to having a dear couple, missionaries from Ethiopia, having breakfast with us. So I am filling in for Carol on the blog to conserve her strength and energy for the important matter at the moment...food preparation.

Recently I was reading about John and Betty Stamm, missionaries to China who were assassinated in China in 1934. In response to that tragic event, Will Houghton who was president of Mood Bible Institute at that time wrote:

"So this is life. This world with its pleasures, struggles and tears, a smile, a frown, a sigh, friendship so true and love of kin and neighbor? Sometimes it is hard to live--always to die!"

"The world moves on so rapidly for the living; the forms of those who disappear are replaced, and each one dreams that he will be enduring. How soon that one becomes the missing face!"

"Help me to know the value of these hours. Help me the folly of all waste to see. Help me to trust the Christ who bore my sorrows and thus to yield for life or death to Thee."

It is our prayer that we will truly value the time which the Lord allows us to have with family and friends while on this earth, fully trusting Him as we continue along this winding road together.

Our love to you all,

Chuck...and Carol too

Up day, down day, up day, etc.

A lesson I must learn at this stage in my cancer journey is not to count on anything. Yesterday I wanted only to be in bed--all day--despite a good night's sleep Friday night. I did get up for the afternoon invitation to our new neighbor's home, and it was lovely. (But still I was wishing I were back in bed.) I don't understand this, and I'm certainly wishing for an up day today.

This morning in Sunday school we're wrapping up our half-year study of Genesis. It's been great. One of Joseph's final statements was a question: "Am I in the place of God?" He was assuring his brothers that he would not pay them back for their terrible treatment of him. But I think the question applies to all of life. Am I in the place of God? No. I don't know all that He knows, and for that reason alone, it's inappropriate for me to question what He does. Or to try to do on my own what only He can do.

I found the following during some Internet research about my cancer. We've all been amazed by how well I've felt and how long I've survived. People may be the reason.
"Researchers at the University of Iowa City found a link between psychosocial factors and immune function in cells isolated from human tumors. They noted that ovarian cancer patients with greater social support have stronger natural killer (NK) cell activity in tumor infiltrating lymphocytes (TIL) cells, as well as peripheral blood mononuclear cells (PBMC).

"Social support may play a protective role and may be an independent marker of health-related quality of life among cancer patients. Behavioral factors may contribute to disease outcomes."

All of which leads me to say, again, how grateful I am for your friendship, love, and prayers. You have played a huge role in my wellbeing these 30 months (and the years before as well).

Gratefully,
Carol

Very thankful

Yesterday was a very good day--no nausea and no unusual fatigue. Another gift. Thank you for your prayers.

Our new neighbors have invited us for a cookout this afternoon. Their relatives have come for the weekend, and we're eager to meet them. Tomorrow after church we're driving up to the Blue Ridge Mountains for a "mountain music" concert. And Monday morning some SIM friends from Ethiopia are coming to our home for breakfast. None of these are strenuous, but they make for a lovely holiday weekend.

Want to read a story from SIM's partners in Asia? On a brutally cold day last winter in Mongolia, a little boy named Holston and his father went on a pilgrimage. Arriving, the father commanded his son to worship the land. "Oh, no, Father, you should worhip only Jesus." The father replied, "Then you pray to Jesus. If He appears, I will believe also." Two years earlier a team had traveled there and Holston had seen the JESUS film. He was so captivated that the team gave him a picture book of the film. He had "read" the book every day, explaining it to his father, who refused to listen.

So on this pilgrimage day, as the storm worsened, a team of Christians found their way to Holston's ger (Mongolian round felt tent). Although no one was home, the storm was so terrible that they crept inside for shelter. Finally, late at night, Holston and his father returned home. They made their guests welcome, and asked why they had traveled so far. "We have come to tell you about Jesus," was the reply.

By flickering candlelight, the guests explained the salvation Jesus accomplished for all people by dying on the cross, and as the wind howled outside, the father asked Jesus to be his Savior and Lord. Imagine Holston's joy!

Have a wonderful day.
Carol

Quit reading now, if you want only good news

Nothing can take away the beautiful gift I received on Wednesday--feeling perfectly well all day. (Since it was my birthday, I think God gave me that birthday gift.) Yesterday wasn't quite so sweet. I threw up early in the morning, took an anti-nausea pill, and that sent me back to bed for a couple of hours. I put in three good hours at work, slept during my iron infusion, mostly rested until dinner, and then threw up everything at bedtime. A beautiful night's sleep has me feeling great again this morning, but you can imagine that I'm a bit leery of food. I'm confused, not sure what to do to make it through 13 more days on Hexalen.

But my second cousin needs prayer way more than I do. She's entering the hospital, followed by nursing home, for a total of 6 weeks while they treat a very serious osteo-myelitis in her toe. (She has severe diabetes.) Her husband is still reeling from the recurrence of his cancer. They're extraordinary people who have done so much good for so many. Please pray for God's comfort and peace for them.

A friend told me that one meaning of the word comfort is "to sigh with" someone. So many of you have "sighed" with me during this journey, and I'm so grateful to you. If you're going through a rough patch and I know about it, I will also "sigh with" you. And the bottom line is this: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Corinthians 1:17). I am so thankful to be safe in the care of this God!

Blessings,
Carol

Unexpected

Yesterday was my first day back on Hexalen pills. So naturally I felt yucky and exhausted all day? Not! I went to lunch with a friend, worked more hours than usual, brought some energy home with me to tackle some tasks here, and talked to lots of loved ones in person or by phone. Then went to bed early, as usual. I confessed to my neighbor that I hadn't even prayed to feel well as I began another round of chemo. "That's okay," she said. "I did." I'll bet several of you did as well. Thanks!

In recent weeks, a few blog readers have written to say they wish they knew where their fellow readers were living. So I asked grandson Jeremy to load Clustrmap on my site. Now you can see your red dot on the map to the right; click on the map to open it. (For some reason, some distant locations are delayed in being displayed.) We've gone way past what I understand of technology. But I love it. This map is a huge encouragement to me; every dot represents treasured prayer partners and encouragers.

Chuck gets his final stitches removed today. It's looking so good. This afternoon I'll get another infusion of iron.

Have a great day.

Carol

Dependency

After I wrote a blog about waiting on God, a friend loaned me her copy of Waiting on God by Andrew Murray. It's very helpful. Here's a paragraph from early in the book, after stating that from our very creation, we were intended to live totally dependent on God's love and wisdom. (In the quote, I'm substituting "we" for "man" or "he.")

"When we turned from God, we were still absolutely dependent on Him. There was not the slightest hope of our recovery from the state of death, except in God, His power, and His mercy. It is God alone who began the work of redemption. It is God alone who continues and carries it on each moment in each individual believer. There is no power of goodness in ourselves. We have and can have nothing except what we each moment receive while waiting on God. This is indispensable and must be as continuous and unbroken as the breathing tht maintains our natural life." I believe this to be true, and I want to make waiting on God the goal of my soul--even in the midst of all of life's daily activities. "My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him" (Psalm 62:5).

The infusion of iron occurred yesterday without incident, and the nurse said I might begin to notice improvement after tomorrow's infusion. With breakfast this morning I'll begin another 14 days of Hexalen. Please pray that God will drive down my cancer numbers. Two weeks from today I'll have another CA 125 test.

One year ago today we were winging home from our fabulous family reunion on Cat Island in the Bahamas. What a grand time daughter Sue designed for us! Karin and Lisa and my sister Ruth also helped make it happen. The memories continue to make me happy.

Love,
Carol

Holding arms

The week is off to a good start. I was a little tired after working 5 hours, but it was perfectly acceptable to come home and rest. Picked up the next batch of Hexalen pills. Ouch, the co-pay is brutal. I’ll get a CA 125 test after the two weeks of Hexalen. Praying for a good low number.

A dear friend in Michigan sent a Mother’s day card with two Bible verses, the first of which was her own mom’s favorite. I’m going to share both of them with you, since they were very encouraging to me.

“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deuteronomy 33:27

“The Lord your God is with you . . .
He will take great delight in you . . .
He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

Just imagine being upheld by loving, everlasting arms! As tiny children, we took for granted that our parents would hold us like that. But as we grow up, we develop the idea that it’s up to us to hold ourselves together. Those holding arms are wonderful to count on.

This afternoon I’ll get an infusion of iron, followed by seven more treatments over four weeks. I look forward to gaining strength. Meanwhile, I claim the Lord’s promise that He gives His people strength. He really does—as much as we need for what we need to do.

Love,
Carol

Whatever our need may be

A friend sent a lovely card with this quotation from a Charles Spurgeon, an English preacher in the 1800s: "Whatever our need may be, let it carry us like a strong current to the ocean of divine love. Christ can soon remove it; so let's hurry to Him. He waits for us." I hadn't thought about our need being a strong current that can carry us to a very good place. Wonderful idea.

Our friend who had a heart attack during the Augusta golf Open has had another rough patch and was hospitalized for several days. (So sorry we didn't find out.) He developed fluid in his lung cavity and had to have it pumped out. (I'm too familiar with that!) He also has severe cellulitis on his leg where they took veins for his bypass. More prayer needed here. Also the woman in our Sunday school class with the new kidney has, again, a dangerously low white cell count. Good news: the Liberian man who is waiting for a heart transplant has recovered from his infections and complications and is doing well--though he still needs a new heart.

A neighbor came over last evening to teach us the "electric slide" (line dance). That's in faith that I'll get more energy and be able to dance at our grandson's wedding in June. (I hope all the cameras in the room will be pointed somewhere else; this will not be pretty.)

Although it was a full weekend, I'm happy to be heading back to work this morning. I hope you'll have a good day; I appreciate you so much.

Carol

Faith, hope, and success

I found the following in a 100-year-old journal from the Poona and Indian Village Mission, an Asian organization that merged into SIM about 20 years ago. I found it so inspiring that I want to pass it along. (It was that merger that first got us involved in the vast continent of Asia.)

“An Indian Christian [interred in a camp with victims of the plague] said to his wife, ‘Joseph was sold into captivity and cast into prison that he might do permanent good to Israel, and we are sent here to the segregation camp with our sick child, that we might stay here and nurse the plague patients, who need careful nursing.’ The child lived, and scores of other persons lived to thank God for the kind help he sent them through this Christian husband and wife. To know God’s will, to appreciate it, to love it, to do it, is the real source of faith, hope, and success. Not to know it, not to appreciate it, not to love and do it, is the root of unfaith, fatalism, and failure. In order to save the world from this curse, namely, the combined results of unbelief, fatalism, and failure, Jesus asks his followers to pray, “Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven,” since real praying is thinking, wishing, saying, and doing all four blended together into one life, one aim.” The piece is signed Dnyanodaya. I wish I could have known him or her!

Yesterday was so lovely. We got to visit awhile with our former neighbors, and also briefly with some present neighbors. And we spent the rest of the day trimming shrubs and fertilizing flowers and tomatoes. We're both moving quite slowly today, but I think it's wonderful to have been able to do that much work. (Actually, Chuck outpaced me about 4 to 1.) After church today we're going to a city about 90 miles away to a party to honor a relative who just earned his master's degree.

Have a day filled with joy.

Carol

Picnic

My office had its spring picnic yesterday afternoon. We enjoyed it so much, and were thankful to feel well enough to participate. What a wonderful group of people!

Chuck's pathology report came back all clean. Thank the Lord. The doctor says the incision needs to heal before he gives attention to the nearby swollen area.

“There are five Gospels,” said Gypsy Smith. “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Christian. Some people will never read the first four.” That certainly calls us to be authentic followers of Christ, doesn’t it? I googled Gypsy Smith. He was an evangelist in England during the first half of the 1900s. Born in a gypsy tent, he never attended a day of school in his life. Somehow he learned to read and write, and wrote a charming autobiography that includes many insights into the gypsy culture and way of life. He came to faith in Christ as a young adult. One website said he was England’s most beloved preacher. What a remarkable person! I believe gypsies are now called “Romas,” and they continue to protect their unique identity wherever they live in the world. When Gypsy was a young boy, he said, his community strictly followed Jewish rules for Sabbath and for cleanliness. They had no Bibles, and couldn’t have read them anyway. Wonder what was the history of those customs!

Today we have modest plans for some yard work. And a former neighbor is stopping in to pick up some herbs for her new yard. (It's fun to have abundance to share.)

Love,
Carol

Ironwoman

Would you like to learn that your iron count is too low? You would, if in the next breath you learned that the doctor has plans to “fix” it. Starting next Tuesday, I’ll go in twice a week for 4 weeks to get iron infusions. Then, the doctor says, I’ll feel much better. Hey, I might get to dance at Justin’s and Laura’s wedding after all! That is, if someone will teach me line dancing before that.

Yesterday, I heard on the radio a charming story about a professor on the island of Crete (in Greece). Class was about over, and he asked, “Now, do any of you have any questions?” All were silent; they wanted to go home. Then, just before he dismissed them, a small and timid man near the back stood up and said, “Yes, I have a question. What is the meaning of life?” Everyone hooted. But the professor quieted them and said he’d like to try to answer the question.

He took his wallet from his back pocket and extracted a small shard of a mirror; it’s edges had been smoothed, and it was just over an inch in diameter. Many years before, during world war II, the professor and his peers—young boys, all—had watched from high on a hill as Nazi soldiers battled the local resistance army. When it was over, he and his friends went down to find souvenirs. He picked up this piece from a shattered motorcycle mirror, and honed the edges on a stone. Then he practiced re-focusing beams of sunlight in order to direct them into dark shadowed places.

“Then,” he mused, “I learned that it was more than a toy. It was a metaphor for my life. I myself was not the sun, the source of life. But I could reflect the light (truth, understanding, humor, and hope) where otherwise there is only darkness and despair. And that, I believe, is the meaning of life.” I like that! (I realize that real life comes only through a relationship with God. But reflecting light to others is surely the meaning of a human being’s life.)

Chuck's incision from Wednesday's surgery is healing well, but an adjacent dark spot (absolutely not cancer, the doctor had said) has swelled up and turned red. Please pray he'll be able to get it looked at today, and that it will be okay.

Love,
Carol

Star throwing

Thanks for your prayers for our "doctor day" yesterday. Chuck is wearing a pretty large bandage, and I know he's uncomfortable, but he and his surgeon are confident the cancer is all gone. It'll be sent to a lab to confirm that, of course.

My oncologist visit didn't result in any new information. They drew blood for an iron panel to see whether an infusion of iron might be called for, which would probably relieve some of my fatigue. I'm not in serious trouble here--only less energetic than I'd like to be. The X-Ray taken on Tuesday shows that some fluid is again collecting in my lung cavities. Again, not serious yet. The resulting shortness of breath and coughing were the starting signal for this whole cancer journey more than three years ago, though it wasn't diagnosed until December 2005. Next Wednesday I'll start another 2-week course of Hexalen pills. Please pray I can manage my digestive challenges effectively.

I still don't feel comfortable with any of the cancer centers that I've investigated, and I'm certainly not going to jump in any direction until God guides me clearly. It's not that I've uncovered anything wrong about any of them, only that I'm not experiencing the settled peace that would indicate this is for me.

At work I'm in the final stages of making corrections to the magazine text per responses from the people out in the field. Our wonderful photo editor has, again, done a fabulous job of gathering dynamic images to enhance the stories. I really do love my work.

Have you heard of the star thrower? Author and scientist Loren Eiseley came upon him early one morning on a beach in Costabel, hurling into the sea the huge numbers of starfish that had been stranded by the previous night's high tide. The rising sun would kill them, and Eiseley concluded, "Death walks hugely and in many forms." But this man, the star thrower, was doing his best to restore hope for all the stars he could. "It may live," he said, "if the off-shore pull is strong enough." Eisely concluded, "The star thrower is a man, and death is running more fleet than he along every sea beach in the world." Still, the star thrower kept at his task. His choice was to reduce despair rather than give way to cynicism. "Hope," wrote G K Chesterton, "is the power of being cheerful in circumstances which we know to be desperate." May God help us all to be star throwers, choosing hope over despair. (I found this illustration in The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham, which I referred to a few days ago. Several years ago the people who introduced us to the concept of "paradigm shift" used the star thrower to illustrate one of their points--I don't remember what.)

Have a great day.
Love,
Carol

"God, where are You?"

I'm sure these past few days, God has especially been in China, in Myanmar, in Chile, and in tornado-stricken USA. (Okay, I know He's everywhere.) How we ache for the victims and survivors of all these disasters. John Stott, former rector of All Souls Church in London, said, "I could never myself believe in God, if it were not for the cross. . . . In the real world of pain, how could one worship a God who ws immune to it?" How, indeed? A couple of months ago, as I was reading through the Holy Week accounts in the Gospels in preparation for Easter, I was struck again by the intense pain each member of the Trinity suffered--not only Jesus, our Savior, but also the Holy Spirit and the Father. God is not immune to our pain.

Our conversation with my surgeon yesterday was clarifying and helpful. For one thing, he alerted me to some wonderful whole-person care resources that are available right here in town. He sent me to Radiology for chest X-Rays to see if we can discover a cause for my cough, shortness of breath, and mild pain. He recommended another treatment for if and when the Hexalen fails. And best of all, I think, he clearly explained some of what's going on at this stage of the cancer. (It is "not amenable" to further surgery, he said.) He recommended several tiny meals a day--to reduce the one-time load on the digestive system and still ensure adequate nutrition, especially protein. I'll try. I have so much fun working that I could easily forget a mid-morning snack. Today is another doctor day. Chuck will have the remaining cancer removed from his cheek this morning, and in the afternoon we'll have a consultation with my oncologist.

Now some incredibly good news!!! Grandson Justin was admitted to dental school yesterday. After several frustrating months, and many beyond-his-control roadblocks, the director of admissions called him yesterday morning to welcome him to the September class. It's such a "God thing"! We all had dancing spirits all day.

Thanks for your prayers for wisdom and discernment. We continue to pray for healing, according to God's high purpose.

Love,
Carol

Reality check

So many have asked about this morning's meeting with my surgeon that I've decided to post an update

Puddleglum

Puddleglum is a character in C.S. Lewis' much-loved Narnia books. He was a Marsh-wiggle and an extreme pessimist, always expecting the worst. I was surprised to read the other day that Billy Graham's family nicknamed him "Puddleglum." If he had a natural negative streak, he certainly didn't display it in public. Amazingly, his close associates say that he was unfailingly positive and optimistic in leading his vast organization--even during the most discouraging times. Was he merely acting? I think everyone wants to follow a leader who offers hope, and no doubt the best of them learn early to feed their optimism and starve their pessimism. (I'm reading The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham, by Harold Myra and Marshall Shelley.) They wrote something that I think will help me to feel better:

"In one sense, everyone is 'acting' all the time. Each day we choose the 'script' we communicate to our bodies, and our bodies respond." They quote Dr. James Loehr, a coach to athlets and corporate executives. "The ON switch for an emotion can be fully activated regardless of whether it fits reality as judged by the rational brain."

Last evening I was preparing my list of physical concerns for today's and tomorrow's doctor visits, and by the time I'd finished I was feeling really bad. I think it's important to face "reality" in order to get the best possible medical care, but I certainly don't want to live there. I need to find and consistently use that ON switch for positive, hopeful emotions. (The greatest reality of all, of course, is the truth that God is in total control, and His ultimate plan for us is unbelievably good.)

Chuck is having the rest of that basal cell carcinoma removed from his cheek tomorrow morning. We're trusting God to guide the surgeon's hand to get it all.

I'm researching some cancer centers around the U.S., thinking it might be time to explore further options. Research is tiring, and it's hard to evaluate. I'll be grateful for your prayers for wisdom and discernment.

Blessings,
Carol

The wait

A few days ago I wrote about the promise God gives of renewed strength for those who "wait on Him." A friend sent some quotes from a classic book, Waiting on God, by Andrew Murray. I still want to understand more about waiting in general, and also whether "waiting on" has a deeper meaning than "waiting for." So here's what Murray said more than a hundred years ago:

"We who have to wait are tempted to fear that we do not wait aright, that our faith is too feeble, that our desire is not as upright or as earnest as it should be, that our surrender is not complete. Amid all these causes of fear or doubt, how blessed to hear the voice of God: 'Wait on the Lord! Be strong and let thine heart take courage! Yea, wait thou on the Lord'. . . .
"We are so accustomed to judge of God and His work in us by what we feel, that the great probability is that when we begin more to cultivate the waiting on Him, we shall be discouraged because we do not find any special blessing from it. . . .
"Oh, do learn the lesson! You are not going to wait on yourself to see what you feel and what changes come to you. You are going to WAIT ON GOD, to know first WHAT HE IS, and then after that, what He will do. . . .
"At our first entrance into the school of waiting upon God, the heart is chiefly set upon the blessings which we wait for. God graciously uses our need and desire for help to educate us for something higher than we were thinking of. We were seeking gifts; He, the Giver, longs to give Himself and to satisfy the soul with His goodness. It is just for this reason that He often withholds the gifts, and that the time of waiting is made so long. He is all the time seeking to win the heart of His child for Himself. . . ."

I was tempted to revise it into today's English; someone should do that sometime. I hope the archaic writing didn't hide the wisdom of what he wrote.

We enjoyed a wonderfully long night of sleep, still so thankful for safety on the trip home. We hope for a productive day of catching up at our respective offices.

Tomorrow I'll go to my regular quarterly check-up appointment with my surgeon, and on Wednesday I'll see the oncologist. I have a short list of questions and concerns I want to discuss with them.

Once again, I send you my heartfelt thanks for all your love and prayers.

Love,
Carol

Safely home

We don't take lightly our safety on today's 12-hour drive. For most of it, Chuck was driving through heavy rain storms--sometimes so bad we couldn't see the vehicle in front of us. We're very thankful to be back home.

"See ya'" tomorrow.

Carol

Teeming life

Eight swans are flying over the deep water, back and forth. A beautiful sight. But I’m most fond of the faithful pair who tend their nest among the cat tails only a few hundred feet from our waterfront. By the next time we come, they’ll have one or more cygnets paddling around with them. Unless the big turtles get them. There are always risks for all this teeming life. Something (probably English sparrows) ate the bluebird eggs, and the would-be parents are gone. A great blue heron flew in and perched on the dredging machine in front of our dock, waiting motionless for an unsuspecting fish to swim by and become his breakfast. The hummingbirds are continuing to enjoy the nectar I put out for them.

I’ve been feeding my mind on Isaiah 40. Here are the closing verses [with personal comments in brackets] as paraphrased in The Message.

Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?
God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
[I need this reminder.]
He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
[Unlike me—always tired, always out of breath these days.]
And he knows everything—inside and out.
[That would include happenings at the cellular level, and the cause of every twinge of pain.]
He energizes those who get tired,
Gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
Young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. . . .
[So I’ve been trying to stretch my mind and soul to grasp what it means to actively, intentionally, wait on God. I surely need what he promises to those who do so.]

…The heron just flew off. Guess he got tired of “waiting.”

We’ll be traveling all day tomorrow. We’re thankful that our family here is now safely back together.

Love,
Carol

So blessed

It's been a privilege to be here with the grandchildren. They both love to read so much that they set their alarms way early in order to have time for reading before the bus comes. We're all looking forward to the reunion with their parents this evening.

A friend wrote that she's been reading chapters 40, 41, and 42 of Isaiah, and she said she sees them as love letters from God to herself and to me. So I'll read them this morning.

I'm still feeling way too tired; maybe I've simply gotten lazy.

Have a great day.

Love,
Carol

Strength

Someone sent this piece of wisdom: "It is from the struggle, not the victory, that we gain strength." And here I was, wishing my struggles to go away, at least for a little while. I need, instead, to focus on the strength I can gain from continuing to struggle. I'd like to be able to report that the yuckiness and tiredness vanished after the last Hexalen pill, but they didn't. So I need to continue to make simple plans for my day. A dear musician friend is coming to see me this morning.

It's such a privilege to be here with the grandchildren. Tomorrow evening, both their parents will return--Karin from her law school final exams, and Keith from Boston. We'll have Saturday together, and then on Sunday we'll be heading home.

Blessings for your day,
Carol

Frogs and other critters

Good news: I'm finished with the 14 days of Hexalen. I'm pretty sure that I'm feeling very much better as the day wears on. I still needed a nap, but only one--not all day. Tomorrow should be even better.

We're staying at the kids' home tonight and tomorrow night, as both parents are gone and they need to be here so early in the morning for the bus. Here we have easy access to the internet, so I'll be able to post every day through Friday. It's funny not to have a phone line at the lake, but we're not there enough to make it worthwhile.

Now about today's title. My mind went off on a strange trip about the acronym FROG: Fully rely on God. That has been our motto throughout this long journey with cancer. So I played some word games. I suppose one could be arrogant about fully relying on God, which would be silly, wouldn't it? That might spell PROG (proudly rely on God). I know from reading the Bible that God really does want to be relied on, but pride wouldn't please him. So HROG (humbly rely on God) makes more sense. Then I thought of TROG (thankfully rely on God). And CROG (cheerfully rely on God). You're probably thinking I don't have enough work to do. So I'll quit with the critters. (I really do sleep quite well at night, but sometimes I lie awake awhile, and this is how I spent the time last night.)

Yesterday I put out the hummingbird feeder with fresh nectar, and within a half hour a gorgeous little hummer was there drinking. How did it know to come? We have several bird families around the yard, including a bluebird pair tending their nest inside the bluebird box. The dredging is now completed along our waterfront, and the only task remaining is to cut a deeper channel straight out to the main part of the lake. It's been 54 years since the last dredging, and we're really excited about the improvement this will bring.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Lov e,
Carol

Mind Paths

How the body controls the mind! My body whines that it’s running down fast, and it seems my mind wants to follow that same path. That is a collaboration that I don’t want to encourage. I realize that by mere positive thinking I can’t run the cancer out of my body, though some may claim to have done so. I do know this: the set of my mind will determine the quality of my life-living, whatever my level of energy or well being. Mind, refocus! Concentrate on the abundant life in the spirit that Jesus gives. Let the body catch up—or not—as it will. Live, anyway.

Today we’re half way through the global “Ten Days of Prayer,” a movement that’s been followed in some parts of the world for more than a hundred years. The ten days are those between Ascension and Pentecost. Today’s printed prayer focus is about empowering the coming generation. That’s a subject that’s very close to my heart. So I thought I’d pass along the five suggested prayers:
1. for Christ to strengthen marriages and homes
2. for young people to follow Christ early in life, serving him for a lifetime.
3. that we would boldly show the love of God to orphans, widows, the defenseless, and the homeless.
4. for Christians to extend God’s fatherly love to millions of children orphaned by wars and the AIDS epidemic.
5. for God to empower the coming generation to fulfill his promises throughout the earth.

Thanks for joining in these highly significant prayers. And thanks for your prayers for us and our family too. These days test our faith.

Love,
Carol

Back at Lake

Chuck here: We arrived safely at our lake house in Indiana last evening with many fond memories from our visit in Michigan. The chemo pills continue to plague Carol, but we pray that they are being even harder on the cancer cells. We returned as the sun was starting to set across the lake, Carol called my attention to our father swan swimming a ways out from the pier in the golden sunset. It looked like something you would see in a picture. We can see mother swan sitting on her nest a ways off, so anticipate seeing the family additions on our next trip here.

It was special to be with so many friends and family members gathering for the bridal shower for Laura and Justin. Yes, this was a shower for both, so we guys were also included. Sue, Laura’s mom and friends put on a beautiful (and delicious) shower and we were all moved by the tender presentations by Laura and Justin about their meeting, courtship and eventual engagement. It was a special time for all of us…June 21 is THE day!

During our travels, we enjoy getting updates from all of you so we can be more specific in our prayers. We were pleased to hear that our Michigan friend who had emergency heart surgery in Asheville was being released from a second round at the hospital after dealing with an irregular heart beat and infection in his leg from the surgery. They now anxiously await clearance from the doctor to head home.

Our friend in Florida who had a large mass removed has returned home and is getting wonderful care from her sister and friends as she recovers from the surgery. We were saddened to learn of the untimely death of the brother of a friend in Charlotte. When I talked with her last evening, the family was grieving his death and awaiting details from the authorities. Pray for each of the family members, especially the mother. We are thankful that he was a believer, but there are many unanswered questions that the family is dealing with.

Our next door neighbor here at the lake had a cancerous lung removed and has just returned home (in Illinois), adjusting to a time of healing and dealing with the ever present oxygen tube. Also, we are having some dredging done around the lake to remove weeds and muck build-up from them, and the 10-year-old son of the machine operator hit his teacher last week and then pulled a knife on his mom and sister. Some heavy decisions have to be made there.

As we look around, we realize that we are so blessed of God. Yes, we find bumps and turns in the road that we are traveling, but what a privilege it is to know that this is not our final residence, and to experience the love and care of our wonderful Savior and the encouragement and support from all of you.

Our love to you all,

Chuck…and Carol too

House party

All ten of us found a place to sleep here at Sue's and Jeff's house in Michigan. Even the ones who live in town decided to make it a "sleep-over." How fun it is to be together! Wedding plans dominate many conversations. We'll all go to church this morning, and then the shower is this afternoon. Then we'll return to Indiana.

I can't help counting: only three days left of this round of chemo pills. That will be a relief. It seems that the greatest difficulty continues to be with digestion. I'm sure tired of talking about it, but I really do appreciate your prayers.

I hope your Sunday is blest.

Love,
Carol

Safe arrival

Our trip went well and we landed safe and sound at our kids' home. Chuck drove all the way, and I rested a lot, but didn't get sick. Grandson Gavin and I prepared dinner. Now both kids are at work: refereeing soccer games. Tomorrow Chuck and I will spend the day at the lake, and then they'll come out there for dinner. We'll spend Saturday and Sunday with the Michigan bunch.

The other day I heard a very inspiring radio interview with a Marine. He referred to their slogan: "Your best friend -- your worst enemy." As good as they are at what they do, I'd certainly rather be their friend than their enemy. So then I got to thinking about other applications of that slogan. We don't like to be anyone's enemy, but we really do need to be an enemy of evil. And of course, God is our best friend. Yet, He is a fearsome enemy of the devil and of evil.

The roads were lined with beautiful flowering trees all along the way. Gorgeous.

I'm not sure when I'll get online again.

Carol

Focus

Yesterday I realized that I was living with a certain amount of depression. Well, duh. It's no surprise, but it's also true that from a depressed frame of mind, everything appears darker and less hopeful. All my internet research was playing around in my consciousness, and let's just say it was not conducive to hope. I don't feel a need to pretend that I'm not sad. But I do feel a need to refocus my mind on God's goodness and His promises, and look away from what they call worst-case scenarios.

We're leaving early this morning to see our kids and grandkids up north. What a happy prospect! We'll be at the lake part of the time, where as you know we don't have a phone line, so postings to this blog will not happen daily. Thanks for your prayers for our safe travel, and we'll update you whenever we can.

I had a nasty digestive episode in the night; praying that it's over for now.

Our nurse friend's tumor turned out to be a huge ovarian cyst. The surgery went well and the doctor is confident there was no malignancy, but of course there will be biopsies anyway. She is as precious to us as a daughter, and we're so thankful for this good news.

Blessings,
Carol