More from Ruth Graham

Before I put away Ruth Graham's collection of poetry, I thought I'd pass along one more, this one quite sobering. First, she quotes Psalm 138:11 from the Septuagint translation: "When I said, darkness will surely trample me down, then to my great joy, night was luminous." What a beautiful thought! Now her poem:

The growing darkness closes in
like some thick fog,
engulfing me--
a creeping horror--
till I learned,
"the darkness hideth not from Thee."

As in a darkened room
one knows--knows without sight--another there,
so, in the darkness,
sure I knew
Thy presence.

I've learned over and over that darkness is no match for the Light. I'm thankful.

We had a wonderful time with my brother and his wife. We went yesterday to see the U.S. National Whitewater Center here--an amazing place for rafting and kayaking (manmade) with rapids rated up to 5 on the whitewater scale. How'd they do that?

Now we're by ourselves again, and after church we'll probably have a quiet day. I'm thankful to feel well. Our granddaughter injured her ankle Friday evening at cheer practice and is on crutches. We're praying for a quick and complete recovery.

Have a blessed day.
Carol

Point of View

Yesterday afternoon we took my brother and his wife to the Billy Graham Library. Chuck and I liked it even better than the first time we toured it. Then our cousin, who lives nearby, joined us for dinner and the evening. It was delightful. Someone mentioned the frequent frustrations of flying, and our cousin said, "I used to need to fly a lot, and I fixed my attitude. As soon as I'd get my luggage checked in, I'd decide I was now on vacation, get out a good book, and enjoy the rest of the journey no matter how many delays happened." That reminded me of some wisdom Lisa picked up during a time of inconvenient situations: to receive whatever came her way with acceptance and gratitude, recognizing that it gave her an opportunity to learn things she probably couldn't learn any other way. Both of these remarkable women, in these statements, remind me of St Paul who said he'd learned to be content in all circumstances, by the grace of God. Good lesson for all of us.

Today we'll show off some more delightful aspects of Charlotte, before our guests need to fly home.

Have a great day.

Love,
Carol

Time, Wait!

I think all of us want to squeeze all the life we can from every minute God gives us. In Ruth Bell Graham's collection of poetry titled Sitting by my Laughing Fire, I found this short expression that pretty well expresses my "greed for life":

Oh, time! be slow!
it was a dawn ago
I was a child
dreaming of being grown;
a noon ago
I was
with children of my own;
and now
it's afternoon
--and late--
and they are grown
and gone.
Time, wait!

Every minute is so precious, isn't it?

My brother and his wife arrived safely last evening, and now we're treasuring every minute we'll have together today and tomorrow. They'll visit both of the SIM offices for tours, and then we plan to take them to the new Billy Graham Library in the afternoon. I'm thankful to say that I've well recovered from the fatigue of Monday's chemo, and was able to work a full day yesterday, completing my work on the 2008 SIM Prayer Guide which is due today.

Have a great day.

Carol

Time, Wait!

I think we all want to squeeze as much life as possible from each minute that God gives us. I think I've mentioned Ruth Bell Graham quite a bit lately, but here's a short poem from her collection titled Sitting by my Laughing Fire that expresses my "greed for life."

Happy Happening

It always feels good to get the chemo pump disconnected. After returning from the doctor's office in the late morning, I napped awhile, then went to work. I felt well, and I believe I was thinking clearly (they say there's scientific evidence for "chemo brain," and sometimes I feel like Exhibit A). As soon as I'd arrived home to start dinner, Chuck called to say that Jimmie Cox was at SIM USA and had some spare time. It was a great opportunity for me, because I really wanted to interview him for a magazine article about SIM's magnificent project called "Rebuilding Southern Sudan: Church and Nation." He's the project director. I collected lots of good information and photos from him. After decades of civil war, during which the southern Sudanese were constantly fleeing from armed attack, the infrastructure in South Sudan was totally destroyed: no paved roads, no safe water, no schools, churches bombed to smithereens, farms neglected, and knowledge of farming lost with the older generation. All of these needs and more, SIM is now attempting to rebuild. Dinner was late last evening, but it was worth it; the interview was so encouraging and inspiring and helpful.

People ask how much longer my chemo treatments will continue. I don't know. After 21 months (42 infusions), I haven't yet gained a remission, but I've had so many good days and such a rich and full life--no complaints. Have I made it clear that I have no pain? Two acquaintances with similar cancer have already had two remissions each, but their cancer recurred with greater fury after a few months. So frankly, I don't think much about my chances of quitting chemo. Eventually, I suppose, we'll run out of options, or my body won't tolerate it any more. We continue to pray for healing. And I do my best to follow healthy practices that cooperate with the healing process. It was a relief again this time that I had no digestive upsets. Thanks for praying.

I hope to accomplish a lot at my desk today, and then comes the happy happening of the arrival of my brother and his wife this evening. Tomorrow evening, our cousin who lives here will join us for dinner. Precious family!

God's blessings for your day,
Carol

Thank you for your patience

Yesterday was a pretty good Day 2. Yes, I took naps both morning and afternoon, but I had energy to cook our meals, and I also managed to write two articles for the next SIM magazine. And I finished reading the special edition of the Billy Graham Decision magazine that was published in honor of the late Ruth Bell Graham. What an amazing woman! She established an authentic relationship with Jesus Christ as a young girl, and it appears that she never wavered in her faith. Obviously, hers was a difficult calling—to make a home and care for all five of their children while her husband was absent for months at a time to fulfill his calling. She said that on her tombstone she would like the familiar highway sign to be engraved: “End of construction. Thank you for your patience.” If such an amazingly consistent woman felt the need of such an epitaph, how much more the rest of us! (I’d picked up that magazine while we were at the Cove 10 days ago, and have enjoyed a leisurely read through.)

Chuck wonders if the reduced effects of this current chemo regimen might mean that it’s not fighting the cancer any more. I guess we’ll find out next week when I get another CA 125 test after more than two months without testing. Meanwhile, I choose to believe that I’m handling the chemo better because God is so kindly answering prayer. This morning I’ll get the pump removed, and I’d love to feel well enough to get to the office in the afternoon.

I have wonderful news: my brother Dave and his wife Carol are flying in Thursday evening and will spend Friday and Saturday with us. I’m so much looking forward to their visit. They’re the ones who provided almost daily loving care for our mother during her final years in a nursing home a half mile from their house.

Have a blessed day.

Carol

Our God Is . . .

Yesterday's mail brought our new 2008 photo calendar from the Moody Bible Institute. Like last years' this one features outstanding photography by current MBI students. I must remember to encourage Jeremy to submit some of his amazing photos from his Niger experiences last year. The 2008 calendar is organized around the theme, "Our God Is . . . ," and I found good comfort in paging through it:

• God of refuge (Under his wings you will find refuge--Psalm 91:4)
• God of peace (May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way -- 2 Thessalonians :16)
• God is with us (The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save -- Zephaniah 3:17)
• God of creation (In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands -- Psalm 102:23)
• God who sees me (The Lord watches over you -- Psalm 121:3)
• God our hope (We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure --Hebrews 6:19)

Well, there's half a year. A good helping of hope!

Chemo went well yesterday, only one poke required to access the port. While I was sitting there, the nurse who had cared for me last time stopped to ask how I'd survived that treatment. When I told her I'd had the usual fatigue but not the digestive problems of previous treatments, her eyes twinkled and she said, "Surely that was because of the nurse." I agreed she'd been wonderful, but I thought more likely it was the Lord. At once she agreed, yes, she too thought it was the Lord. Your prayers make such a difference!

So far so good. I'm tired enough to be heading back to bed.

Blessings,

Carol

More Gifts

Safety throughout another long drive--what a gift.
Clear weather in Indiana, and strength for Chuck and friend to finish the painting--more gifts!
And friends! We'll forever be indebted to these friends who made the long trip with us, and invested long hours and sore muscles in finishing the job. (I think there are few men half the ages of these guys who could work so hard and "unquittingly" to get it done before the weather turns cold.) My job was to feed them well. And run a few errands to spare Karin. Thanks for praying; she insists she's a lot better. But oh, I think pneumonia fatigue lingers long after the lungs clear.

I finished reading the book of Jeremiah, and I felt that we need a new definition of him. He's too often dismissed with the description "weeping prophet." True, he did express intense emotions (I like that), but they weren't all negative. No other prophet was more emphatic or hopeful about God's eventual intention to bring his people back from their exile in Babylon, and then to do GOOD for them. He was also a poet. Near the end of the book, he wrote a beautiful hymn of praise, which reaffirms our confidence in our Creator (Jeremiah 51:15-19). Personally, I'm not defensive about how God did the creating or about how long he took to do it. But I agree that it is essential to affirm, as we do in our creeds and in our prayers, that he is "Maker of heaven and earth." Here's part of Jeremiah's hymn:

He made the earth by his power,
and he preserves it by his wisdom.
He has stretched out the heavens by his understanding. . . .
He is the Creator of everything that exists,
including his people, his own special possession.
The Lord Almighty is his name!

Power, wisdom, and understanding--we can Fully Rely on God.

Chemo is scheduled for 9:45 this morning. May God use it to weaken and destroy the remaining cancer cells. The next tumor marker test will be October 4.

It's good to be back.

Carol

Happy to be here

We're enjoying such beautiful days, and the painting project is coming along well.

But Karin isn't doing so well. She spent a night in the emergency room a couple of days ago, and is now at home trying to recover from pneumonia. She did complete her moot court brief, and yesterday I drove it over to Valparaiso Law School to meet the deadline. I'm so sorry she got so sick, and I think pushing to complete the paper made her worse. Now we pray for a soon recovery.

It's complicated to get online here, so I probably won't post again until Monday. Have a great weekend.

Love,
Carol

On Loving and Leaving

People are so precious! (Exasperating, sometimes, but precious nevertheless.) Let's never forget it. Henri Nouwen wrote, "Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies . . . the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking."

Many missionaries say that the constant saying of Goodbye is the hardest thing in their lives. It doesn't happen so often to us who tend to stay longer in one place, but we feel it nevertheless, don't we? It's comforting to remember that there will be no Goodbyes in eternity.

We're off early this morning. There's an urgent project waiting for us at the lake house which we hope to complete by Saturday evening so we can return home again on Sunday. It will be good to have at least a few hours with loved ones there as well.

Have a great weekend; I'm not sure when I'll be back online.

Blessings,
Carol

Grace and Gratitude

Frederick Buechner calls grace the "crucial eccentricity" of the Christian faith. Worshipers of all other gods strive mainly to appease their anger or at least avoid negative attention. But our God, through Christ, not only forgives our sins but also heaps on us such gifts of grace and wholeness that we run out of words for saying thanks. Karl Barth says, "The only answer to charis (Greek for grace) is eucharistia (Greek for gratitude). Grace and gratitude belong together like heaven and earth. Grace evokes gratitude like the voice of an echo. Gratitude follows grace like thunder follows lightning." This morning I'm very grateful for grace.

(I read some of the above thoughts on Chip Stam's "Worship Quote of the Week" (www.wqotw.org). Chip is fighting a personal battle just now with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma; he'd be grateful for our prayers.)

I'm feeling well, and thankful that the office internet is back in operation so I accomplished everything I needed to do yesterday. More to do today, of course, and God's grace will be there for that as well. Karin is also holding her own--no bronchitis has developed. Thanks for your prayers.

We'll be away for the next four days. I'll check in with you whenever I can get internet access.

Blessings,
Carol

What's in a name?

I’ve been thinking about the place where we spent the weekend. Why is it called the Billy Graham Training Center? Why not simply a conference? It looks like a conference (well, like the nicest conference you can imagine). The food and program are like a conference. But it’s called a training center, because first Billy and Ruth Graham and then the hundreds of others who make it happen intend that we’ll go home and do something with what we learned, applying it first to our own lives and then finding ways to pass it on. They send us away with resources designed to help that happen. You know the problem: one comes back from several days away to lots of backed-up work, and the easiest thing in the world is to put the notebook out of sight, the spiritual lessons out of mind, and get-back-to-work-double-time. Help!

To our delight, the new friends we met there did come to Charlotte yesterday afternoon, toured both SIM offices with us, and then came home with us for dinner. Lovely visit. They left for their hotel by 7:00 as they have a very early flight this morning, and I hit the bed as soon as the dishwasher was running. I’m feeling ready for a new day today.

Our internet at the office was down both Friday and yesterday. I have two deadlines tomorrow, both of which depend on the internet. The geniuses who manage our technology are doing everything they can, and I’m praying for them.

Thanks for praying for Karin; the bug hasn’t hit her lungs yet, and I pray it won’t.

I keep finding such terrific things in the book of Jeremiah. Here’s a jewel in chapter 16, verses 19-21: Lord, you are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble! Nations from around the world will come to you and say, “Our ancestors were foolish, for they worshiped worthless idols. Can people make their own god? The gods they make are not real gods at all!” “So now I will show them my power and might,” says the Lord. “At last they will know that I am the Lord.” That’ll be the day, won’t it!

Blessings,
Carol

What's in a name?

I'm still thinking about the place where we spent the weekend just past. Why do they call it the "Billy Graham Training Center"? Why not a conference center? It looks like a conference center (well, like the nicest conference center you can imagine). The food and program are similar to any wonderful conference. But it's a training center, because first Billy and Ruth Graham and then the hundreds of others who make it happen intend that we do more than listen and enjoy. They send us home with a notebook full of resources to help us continue to process what we experienced and apply it first to our own lives, then find ways to pass it on to others. You know the problem; after being away for a weekend, one comes home to backed-up work, and it's the easiest thing in the world to put the notebook out of sight, the spiritual challenges out of mind, and get-back-to-work-double-time. Help!

To our delight, the new friends we met over the weekend came to Charlotte, toured both SIM offices with us, and then came to our home for dinner.

Authenticity

The prophet Jeremiah complained to the Lord, in 12:2-3, about the people he was preaching to: "Your name is on their lips, but in their hearts they give you no credit at all. But as for me, Lord, you know my heart. You see me and test my thoughts." I find it far too easy to be deceived by right words on my lips or a good image in the eyes of others--and put up with a lack of authenticity deep inside. Reading these verses reminds me to be sure to be real.

After our conference ended yesterday, we went to the Asheville market to get some mountain apples (yum!), and then we drove a few miles on the beautiful Blue Ridge Parkway before dropping down to the highway to come home. It was such a pretty day, and we so enjoyed the beautiful mountain views. Today, a couple we met at the conference will come to visit us and see the SIM offices, then I hope they'll have dinner with us. They fly out from the Charlotte airport tomorrow morning to return to their home in the Pacific Northwest.

Our daughter Karin has been surrounded by sick people, and yesterday she became ill with a fever. It seems to our parental hearts that she can't afford to be sick with all the demands of law school (huge paper due this week) and her family. I know you have your own load of prayer concerns, but I wonder if you could also ask the Lord to give her a quick recovery. Thanks.

We're continuing to give thanks that the CAT scan shows such a big reduction in disease compared with the pre-surgery scan, and we pray for those remaining small tumors to shrink. Regular CA 125 tests will tell the tale; the next one is October 4. Thanks for your prayers.

Blessings for your day.
Carol

On the Mountain

The sun is peeking over the mountain top outside our window and promising another beautiful day. Only one more session of Chip Ingram’s teaching remains, but we’ll have lots to think about and apply to our lives for days to come. I expected mostly young and mid-life people to come to a conference about answering God’s call at work and home, but there are lots of people our age and older here too. We hear things like, “Life’s too important to invest it in improving my golf handicap or trying to beat the computer at bridge.” I’ll pass along a few memorable sentences from Chip, and I encourage you to find his stuff at lote.org. (LOTE is for the name of his radio program, Living on the Edge.)

“Success is discovering God’s purpose for your life and accomplishing it in your lifetime.” – Chip Ingram

“The accomplishment of God’s will has absolutely nothing to do with how long it takes to accomplish it. If his call comes near the end of life, everything prior was preliminary.” –Chip Ingram

“Maybe at this stage of your life, your ‘work’ has nothing to do with your income.” –Chip Ingram

I love the women in my small prayer group so much, but last evening I got too tired and had to skip the group, despite an afternoon nap. They understood. We hiked the downhill trail to the chapel on the grounds here; both trail and chapel are beautiful. Thankful for the shuttle bus that took us back up to our inn.

Blessings,
Carol

Profound . . . Unprecedented

Those are words I heard yesterday from a dear relative who is a radiologist and who read my CAT scans. He compared the new one with the one taken just prior to my surgery in December 2005. “There’s been a profound reduction in disease, better than 98%,” he said. “I’ve never seen an improvement like this following such diffuse disease as your first scan showed. It’s nothing less than a miracle.” We’re thanking the Lord. This doctor confirmed that there are still some small tumors that will have to be monitored by the CA 125 blood test, as they could begin to multiply and grow at any time. He had read my first scan 21 months ago, and based on that he didn’t think I’d last a year. (He also confirmed that yes, indeed, I do still have my gall bladder; the first report on this new scan was simply in error.) Just imagine what God has done. He is so good.

Here we are in the splendid mountains of North Carolina at the Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove. Chip Ingram is speaking on hearing God’s call. His talk last night was full of fresh insights: God calls us first to himself, then to his purpose to make us like Jesus, then to be connected to his community of faith, and then to impact the people around us. Oh dear, I wish I could repeat everything he said. It was wonderful. I joined a prayer group afterwards and met some delightful women. Can’t wait for all the good stuff that awaits us today.

Have a blessed day.

Carol

Help and Hope

This morning I get to play the piano for singing before prayers at the office. I chose the old hymn, "O God our Help," and throughout the night those wonderful words kept ringing in my mind:

O God our Help in ages past,
Our Hope for years to come.
Our Shelter from the stormy blast,
And our eternal Home.

He is all of that, and more. Nothing and no one can take away the heart peace that these truths bring.

I just found out yesterday that dear friend Fran had to cancel her breast cancer surgery today because she's very ill with bronchitis. Surgery hasn't yet been rescheduled, but she surely needs prayer, both for present recovery and for peace of mind and healing.

We're in the middle of a terrible drought. Mercifully, we got a little rain in the night; I find myself praying for a real "rainy season," as they pray for every year across central Africa. By the way, we've heard that the rains have been good so far in Niger. That's a great answer to prayer, and will mean less hunger in coming months. Even though grandson Jeremy is no longer in Niger (he's at the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago now), he captured our hearts for the people of Niger while he was there.

Have a blessed day.

Carol

Specific Prayer -- Specific Answers

I've heard from so many friends who this week prayed specifically that I wouldn't have the usual digestive upsets following chemo. God answered specifically and kindly. No digestive problems at all. Thank you so much for praying, and thank him so much for such a gracious answer. I felt weak as ever, but I think I'm considerably better this morning, and I have high hopes of getting to work for a few hours today.

SIM gives a gift of a conference for two at the Cove (Billy Graham Training Center near Asheville, NC) to everyone who completes 10 years of service. Our 10 years were completed in January 2006, a month after my cancer surgery, but we were never able to make suitable arrangements. Finally we had reservations for last month, but then my chemo schedule got scrambled so we had to postpone again. Now, at last, we plan to go tomorrow. We realize that I may not have enough energy to enjoy all the beautiful mountain trails, but I'm sure we'll get a lot of benefit from the teaching by Chip Ingram. He's the director of Walk Thru the Bible, whose daily devotional, indeed, nourishes our souls every day. Chip based this month's editorial on Romans 12:1,2 ("I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. . . . Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.") Chip says, "God wants our total being as a living sacrifice to him, because nothing less will please him. In fact, nothing less is even acceptable." That's a great thought to begin every day with.

Thanks again, so much, for your love and prayers.

Carol

Thanks

Thanks for your prayers. I’m feeling weak, but so far I’ve suffered no digestive upsets. This is certainly an answer to prayer—lots of it, I know. I’m humbled and amazed by so many who pray so faithfully and caringly. I hope this means I’ll bounce back more quickly. As predicted, I spent almost all of yesterday in bed, thankful for the privilege of doing so.

I recently reread some notes from a meeting with the doctor shortly after surgery in December ’05. He said, “This will be a marathon, not a sprint.” Little did we guess how long it would last! But we dare not lose heart. Whatever God chooses, in the long run, is good. Meanwhile, I watch for and see glimpses of his grace, even on the lowest days.

As you’ve no doubt noticed, this rugged chemo started just as I was laying plans for my next actions against global slavery. I regret to say I’ve done nothing more except continue my boycott against slave-produced chocolate. I hope to regain energy soon. This week we’ll find out whether the International Justice Mission won the $100,000 from Rezoom. I surely hope they did, because they have such a good record of freeing slaves in various locations.

I read a wonderful book titled The Holy Longing, by Ronald Rolheiser. He said, “In the world’s schema of things, survival of the fittest is the rule. In God’s schema, survival of the weakest is the rule. God always stands on the side of the weak and it is there, among the weak, that we find God.” Justice in our world, too, is a marathon, not a sprint. May God keep us faithful.

Blessings,
Carol

A Moment of Silence

The blank space below is a blogger’s equivalent of a moment of silence in which to pray for the thousands of families around the world still reeling from the tragic attacks of six years ago and the wars and terrorist attacks that continue until today. Lord, have mercy!








Now, after contemplating such massive suffering, I’m reluctant to talk about myself, but some of you prayed so lovingly about my chemo yesterday, so I’ll give a report. The chemo went smoothly, but with many delays; I sat in that chair for five hours. We’ve never seen the place so busy, but the nurses were, as always, wonderful. Almost all my blood count numbers have dropped, some below the “normal” level (notably white cells and hemoglobin, for infection resistance and energy respectively). Obviously, they weren’t low enough to prevent treatment. I’m hoping for better control over the side effects during the next few days.

Then we went to see the surgeon for a regular check-up. He said everything looks good from his point of view, at least until we get another tumor marker test a month from now. He’s following up on a couple of puzzling anomalies in the report from last month’s CAT scan, and will soon have a new report. I spent quite a bit of time stressing over that, so now I have hope of getting a more accurate report. (The radiologist had given a “diagnosis” that bore no relation at all to anything in his three pages of descriptive report. Also, he said I’d had my gall bladder removed, which is definitely not true. Maybe he took a coffee break midway through reading my scan. Anyway, for awhile I was sure I’d received someone else’s report entirely. I’ll be relieved to learn what mine really says.)

I think I’ll rest most of the day today. I’m set up to drink a lot and to listen to wonderful music.

Love,
Carol

Learning from my Kids

The past three days have been wonderful, and I have felt perfectly healthy. After this new chemo, it’s almost like being under water for about a week, and then I come up a little into a very dense fog. Finally, on about day 11 or 12, I pop out into the sunshine and clear air, and the chemo haze is gone and forgotten. So I’m facing today’s chemo with the confidence that no matter what it does to me, I WILL pop back out of it and enjoy a few very good days before the next treatment two weeks from now.

A couple of weeks ago, Lisa called to say that she was finding encouragement in this quote: “If I’d known then what I know now, I’d have relaxed and enjoyed the experience.” She asked, “Do you know who said that?” Well, I replied, I said it myself after surviving my tumultuous tumble in the turbulence of Lava Falls in the Grand Canyon. “Precisely,” she said, “those are your words.” So this week, no matter how far under water I go, I’m going to remember that I know I’ll come back up; I think I can find things to enjoy, or at least be fascinated by, even during the darkest days. That’s my plan, by God’s grace. The philosophy also works long-term. One day I’ll be looking back on these days from the viewing platform of heaven, and I think I’ll say the same thing: If I’d known then what I know now, I’d have enjoyed the journey.

Lisa’s church has the most wonderful custom. After the benediction, almost everyone sits down to enjoy the postlude. Yesterday’s was “In dir ist Freude” (In Thee Is Joy) by J.S. Bach. What a great way to honor the excellence of the organist and at the same time fill one’s heart with beautiful music that echoes all afternoon. And now may I pass along the first stanza of the opening hymn (by Abbot’s Leigh).

Lord, you give the great commission
“Heal the sick and preach the word.”
Lest the Church neglect its mission
And the Gospel go unheard,
Help us witness to your purpose
With renewed integrity,
With the Spirit’s gifts empower us
For the work of ministry.

And the Communion Chant:
“Take, O take me as I am;
Summon out what I shall be,
Set your seal upon my heart and live in me.”

Thanks for praying for me as I receive another chemo, and then continue via the pump for three days. This afternoon, I have a follow-up appointment with my surgeon. It will be helpful to discuss my recent CAT scan with him.

Still learning,
Carol

Good Sunday Morning

Looking forward to some outstanding worship music at Lisa's church this morning.

Lovely neighbors filled the living room for the birthday brunch yesterday, and the food was delicious. And then the sail on the Potomac. The weather couldn't have been more pleasant, and it was fun. A friend of Lisa's went along as assistant skipper. She returned with us for a quiet evening at home and a piece of the birthday cake.

I've been thinking more about life's intermingling of "all things" good and bad. I think sometimes when we hit a dark patch, we get in the habit of closing our eyes and holding our breath and going on standby until the lights come on again. But now I'm trying to learn to keep my eyes open, keep on breathing, and look for joy and grace in everything. The good and the bad are with us always, intermingling for our good.

We'll be heading home immediately after church. (It hurts to leave so soon.) Chemo is first thing tomorrow morning.

Grace to you,
Carol

Happy Birthday, Lisa

This morning several neighbors are coming for a birthday brunch. This afternoon Lisa has reserved a sailboat to take us out on the Potomac. Our trip yesterday was eventless and quicker than usual.

Lisa took us on a leisurely tour of the non-profit where she serves as a counselor. It's SOME (So Others Might Eat). It was begun decades ago by a priest who scrounged restaurant dumpsters and made soup for the homeless. It's come a long way, though it's still devoted to the homeless. The whole point is change. They have almost 40 facilities scattered around the city and out in the mountains (residential), all of them attractive and professionally managed. The dining room across the street from Lisa's office serves about 1,000 meals a day. In her building are medical and dental clinics, full programs for the mentally handicapped, addiction counselors, and more--all for homeless or formerly homeless people seeking to change. Very impressive. See some.org.

After a very good night's sleep, I'm feeling well, and so thankful for the privilege of being here. We'll have to head home directly after church tomorrow in order to be there by bedtime. What a lot of joy is distilled into less than 48 hours.

Have a great weekend.

Carol

Spilling a Goldfish Bowl

Today, before we leave for Washington DC, I’m going to pass along a story.

Joey, a third-grader, was sitting at his desk when suddenly he became aware of a puddle between his feet and wetness on the front of his pants. This had never happened before, but how would he ever live with the shame. “Dear God, this is an emergency. Please help,” he prayed. As he opened his eyes, he saw the teacher leave her desk and walk towards him. “Oh no, I’m dead meat!” Just then Susie came from the back of the room with a goldfish bowl full of water, and when she got to his desk, she tripped and spilled the entire contents of the bowl into his lap. “Thank you, Lord,” said Joey.

Now, instead of being the object of scorn and derision, he’s the object of sympathy. The teacher borrows some gym shorts for him to wear, and everyone tries to help clean up. Susie tries to help too, but the ridicule that should have been Joey’s is now transferred to her. “Get away, you klutz. You’ve done enough.”

As they were walking home at the end of the day, Joey whispered to Susie, “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” Susie nodded. “I wet my pants once, too.”

I’d like to spend the rest of my life spilling goldfish water on people whose mere humanness has gotten them into embarrassing or distressing circumstances—people who in the past I might have been happy to criticize, but who now only remind me of my own humanness.

We’re very excited about seeing Lisa. I’m not sure how easy it will be to access the internet over the weekend. I’ll be back if possible.

Blessings,
Carol

Spilling a Goldfish Bowl

Today, before we leave for Washington DC, I’m going to pass along a story.

Joey, a third-grader, was sitting at his desk when suddenly he became aware of a puddle between his feet and wetness on the front of his pants. This had never happened before, but how would he ever live with the shame. “Dear God, this is an emergency. Please help,” he prayed. As he opened his eyes, he saw the teacher leave her desk and walk towards him. “Oh no, I’m dead meat!” Just then Susie came from the back of the room with a goldfish bowl full of water, and when she got to his desk, she tripped and spilled the entire contents of the bowl into his lap. “Thank you, Lord,” said Joey.

Now, instead of being the object of scorn and derision, he’s the object of sympathy. The teacher borrows some gym shorts for him to wear, and everyone tries to help clean up. Susie tries to help too, but the ridicule that should have been Joey’s is now transferred to her. “Get away, you klutz. You’ve done enough.”

As they were walking home at the end of the day, Joey whispered to Susie, “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” Susie nodded. “I wet my pants once, too.”

I’d like to spend the rest of my life spilling goldfish water on people whose mere humanness has gotten them into embarrassing or distressing circumstances—people who in the past I might have been happy to criticize, but who now only remind me of my own humanness.

We’re very excited about seeing Lisa. I’m not sure how easy it will be to access the internet over the weekend. I’ll be back if possible.

Blessings,
Carol

Intermingling

Last night as we were falling asleep, Chuck whispered, "I wish you didn't have cancer." "Me too," I agreed. But then I lay there awhile reflecting on all the good gifts that have come our way in connection with the disease--gifts of fresh insights, family solidarity, friendships, deeper thinking, personal repentance, and growing wholeness of soul. I thought of the Susan Howatch novel, Absolute Truths, that I'm just now finishing. The story of a brilliant bishop of the Church of England, it shows how a series of catastrophes over three decades brought him to discard his "glittering image" and begin to live truly with himself and others. His spiritual director told him that the verb for "work together" in the well known Romans 8:28 ("all things work together for good for those who love God") is more accurately translated "intermingle." We've often been told that it's like mixing disgusting ingredients such as raw egg whites, flour, etc., resulting in a delicious cake. But you can't mix cancer with anything and make it come out "delicious." So intermingle makes more sense. Light remains light, dark remains dark, bitter remains bitter, joy remains joy, laughter remains laughter, tears remain tears--but by the sovereign grace of God they all intermingle for GOOD. (Any Greek scholars out there are welcome to weigh in on this word.)

I'm happy to report that I completed the files for the new magazine and uploaded them on time yesterday for our designer. This morning we'll discuss the material by phone, and then it's over to him to make it come out beautiful, as he always does.

Tomorrow morning we plan to leave early to spend the weekend in Washington DC for Lisa's birthday. I hope to continue to feel strong enough.

Blessings,
Carol

Living the Mystery

I'm glad God has allowed me to live long enough to do some clear thinking (and serious repenting) about the selfish shallowness with which I approached most of my life. I thought I was unselfish and "right," but oh, how wrong I was! Keeping busy, smiling a lot, saying the right words--you know how we mask inner vacuums. Anyway, I'm grateful for the privilege of living and changing as life situations bring one face to face with reality. And I'm supremely grateful that God himself is with me in this journey. As Philip Yancey wrote, "Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived. Prayer offers no ironclad guarantees, just the certain promise that we need not live that mystery alone." We are not alone!

Yesterday I accomplished everything I needed to do.

Today Chuck and I are celebrating 48 years of marriage. I'm so thankful for him.

Love,
Carol

Living the Questions

I seem to be in a new phase of this journey with cancer. Before, even when chemo was rough, after three or four days I bounced back quickly to "normal," and thought, "I can live like this." But now, the sickness and exhaustion last far longer, and lots of questions flood my mind. So I appreciate this wisdom from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke:

"I beg you . . . to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." And this from Virginia Satir: "Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty." I don't mean that I'm uncertain about everything--only about some questions that don't seem to have answers just now.

After a very quiet and restful long weekend, I'm feeling quite ready for today.

I'm now reading in the prophets at the end of the Old Testament--those bold spokesmen who predicted the terrible destruction of the nations that had defied God. Tucked inside all that terror is this gem: "The Lord is good. When trouble comes, he is a strong refuge. And he knows everyone who trusts in him" (Nahum 1:7). He really does like to be trusted! And we really do need to trust him!

Blessings,
Carol

Better Morning

Yesterday was rough. But I feel better this morning. It's a holiday in the U.S., and it felt good to sleep late. We're thankful that we didn't plan a busy weekend, and hope that with another restful day we'll be ready for the challenges of the week beginning tomorrow.

I certainly don't know what's been going on, but something was definitely wrong on Saturday and Sunday. Hope it's over.

The Sunday school was so encouraging. What wonderful friends and prayer partners! And teacher Tom told us that God has perfectly prepared each one of us--including the arranging of our present circumstances--to accomplish masterpieces of God's planned work for us (Ephesians 2:10).

This is already later than usual, so I'll upload it and get on with the day (which I'm sure will still include a fair amount of resting. I simply have to believe that that's part of God's planned work for me just now.)

Blessings,
Carol

Sweet Comfort

When I was a tiny girl, my parents entertained missionary guests often. One evening after supper (we were simple country folks and called it that), we moved to the living room for conversation, and as I listened to frightening tales from Africa, my heart began to pound in fear. I slipped onto my father's lap and leaned my head against his chest; he wrapped his arms around me, and all was well even as the conversation continued to flow around me. I was in a safe place.

Early this morning my mind was full of anxious thoughts that would not be stilled, and I remembered that long-ago evening when I found comfort in my father's arms. So I turned in prayer to my heavenly Father and asked for his comfort and peace. Figuratively, I slipped onto his lap, leaned my head against his chest, snuggled into his arms, and asked him to quiet my mind and help me go back to sleep. He did.

We're looking forward to fellowship, learning, and worship with friends at church this morning. This 3-day weekend is deliberately a quiet one for us, and we're thankful.

Blessings for your day,
Carol

Lookin' Good

I've always hated being overweight--despised the lack of self-respect and self-discipline that allowed me to get out of shape. So it always surprises me that people repeatedly say, "You're looking so good." I suppose people with cancer often waste and shrivel, so their faces look ill. So my extra weight probably prevents that effect. For what it's worth to you whom I don't get to see, please know that folks say I'm looking good . . . whatever that means.

I'm even more concerned about the temptation to "look good" spiritually and emotionally, whether true or not. On a journey like this one, I must hold tight to God no matter what. But I have to admit that I don't always feel close to him, nor do I always feel sweet and joyful. C S Lewis said, in Screwtape Letters, that "troughs" are a normal human condition, and that God (whom Screwtape called "the enemy above") takes some sort of delight when humans in a deep slump continue to hold on to him. I take comfort from that. I really do want to delight God, regardless of the ebb and flow of my own soul.

I slept much better last night. (I think one of the anti-nausea pills causes restlessness after a few days; I'd also had a fairly sleepless night two weeks ago after chemo.) I accomplished a good day's work yesterday, and I have good hope of meeting both deadlines (magazine and annual prayer guide pages) next week. I find that I have to concentrate harder; chemo brain, I suppose.

I'll never be able to adequately thank you for your prayer support and all your encouragement. Blessings for your day,
Carol