Still Tired

I'm afraid that after spending most of the last four days and nights in bed, it's gotten to be a habit. That wouldn't be my preference! I didn't even get to the office yesterday at all. I must go today, at least briefly. So I was feeling sorry for myself for being so tired, and then I remembered that Jesus understands. Once He was so tired that He slept on the hard wood bottom of a boat being rocked by gale force winds. And on the most terrible night of His life, His disciples were so tired that they couldn't even stay awake and pray with Him in the garden. He does understand. Isn't that wonderful? And He promised that His grace is enough for every trial. It really is.

I skimmed through a web page of an extremely angry woman--mad at her oncologist, mad at her nurses, mad at the pharmaceuticals. She claims she was permanently disabled after only four chemo treatments. And I realized how blessed I am that as soon as this tiredness passes, I'll be fully functional again--after 50 chemos. (Her postings came to an abrupt end about a year ago. I wonder if her rage killed her.) When I visited the doctor after our return from Nassau, there was a possibility that I was developing diabetes and high blood pressure. Blood tests ruled out the former, and this week's BP check ruled out the latter. Chemo often attacks the liver, kidneys, heart, etc. The doctor monitors mine regularly, and all the numbers are perfectly in the normal range. See why I say I'm blessed? Thank you so much for all your prayers.

I'll get another round of blood tests on March 11, and if I "pass," the doctor has approved a week's delay before the next chemo to allow us to go to Indiana where (oh joy!) the entire family plans to gather for Easter. It will be our first opportunity to meet our new great granddaughter and catch up with our rapidly growing great grandson. Every person is so precious, and it's been a very long time since we were all together.

Blessings,
Carol

So blessed

It's lovely to have Karin here. I was still very fatigued yesterday, and slept quite a bit. But Karin was available to chat when I was awake, and she cooked a delicious dinner for us. I think I'm better today, and if the bitter cold weather lets up, I may even get to the office for a few hours. We have plans for a few urgent projects and some shopping between now and Monday. Remember, she's in law school, so she came loaded with a bag full of impressive-looking books she needs to study while she's here, too.

Earlier this week, the reading from Streams in the Desert was about God's promise, "My grace is sufficient for you" (2 Corinthians 12:9). It ends with a short poem by Annie Johnson Flint.

His grace is great enough to meet the great things--
The crashing waves that overwhelm the soul,
The roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless,
The sudden storms beyond our life's control.

His grace is great enough to meet the small things--
The little pinprick troubles that annoy,
The insect worries, buzzing and persistent,
The squeaking wheels that grate upon our joy.

Troubles great or small? God has a treasure house full of His grace with our name on it. By faith, we can draw on His resources for all our needs. His grace is sufficient. He says so!

Today is day 4 since chemo, and I've had no bad effects. I don't view the fatigue as bad, because I believe it helps me get the rest I need as the chemo does its work on the cancer. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Love,
Carol

Gift package

Last evening Chuck received a phone call from daughter Karin. "Did you find a package on your porch? It was supposed to be delivered today."

"No, but maybe it was hiding behind the pillar. I'll check."

Suddenly there were whoops and hollers. Karin was standing there, in person! She's taken an entire week off from law school and family responsibilities to be here with us. "Now, Mom," she begged, "What are the projects you're wishing to get done?" Can you imagine what a gift this is? (Huge thanks to her husband Keith, who cheerfully picks up the family care.)

After nearly 48 hours of mostly sleeping, I feel stronger today, and the chemo flush is gone from my face. And thanks to all who have prayed for better digestive health with this treatment. God is answering. (Nurse daughter Sue sent a bag of M&Ms with Karin as a symbolic celebration. Those of you who have potty-trained children with M&Ms as reward will smile at the humor in this. Those who prefer more delicate conversation can simply ignore it.)

Once again a crowd of new candidates for service with SIM have moved onto campus. They are exceptional people, and it's always a privilege to get to know them. They face three weeks of intensive training here; then if they're accepted as appointees, they'll be heading out to meet with friends and churches to discover their support base for prayer and support. It's a daunting challenge, but God is able, as they will see.

In my Bible reading yesterday, I found this cheering thought in Proverbs 15:
"Congenial conversation--what a pleasure!
The right word at the right time--beautiful!"

Reminds me to give careful thought to my words--before they come out.

Thanks so much for your prayers. We're trusting God for a decline in the tumor marker numbers this time.

Love,
Carol

Tired but Thankful

Chemo #50 is now history, and as usual Carol is very tired yet this morning. The Oncologist was pleased with the slowing down of the antigen level climb, so he proceeded with another round of Cisplatin. We are thankful that so far, there have not been any other nasty side effects.

As I awoke one night recently, the 23rd Psalm came to my mind, specifically verse 4 “…Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.” As I visualized walking through a dark unknown valley, my mind jumped to a trip down the Colorado River that we took several years ago when deep into the canyon, our raft upset while going over Lava Falls, and immediately we were spinning down, down into complete darkness below the water's surface. After a few moments, which seemed like an eternity, suddenly the turbulence turned to a deathly stillness and soon I was aware of my life jacket lifting me back to the surface. Never before have I been so thrilled to see a small shaft of light penetrating the darkness, and then I bobbed to the surface.

Psalm 27 says “Light, space, zest—that’s God! So, with him on my side I’m fearless, afraid of no one and nothing.” (The Message). There are times when feelings of fear creep into my mind, especially at night, similar to those deep in the dark waters of Lava Falls, but then that “shaft of light” comes to mind as a verse or a note of encouragement from one of you pops to the forefront of my thoughts. I also find that there are times when that response is not automatic, and I intentionally have to force my mind away from the darkness of fear, to the Light that the Psalmist reminds us is always available.

Lord, as we walk through the valleys together, help us to keep our eyes on your light and not the darkness of the moment. After all, this is not our home, only a time of learning and preparation for that day when we join you for REAL life in our eternal home.

Our love to you all,

Chuck…and Carol too

Moving ahead

The doctor danced into my room celebrating. He feels that the decreased rate of climb of the tumor marker is evidence that the prior chemo was working. So we went ahead with chemo (this was my 50th infusion). No problems. I slept through the infusion, then came home at 2:30 and slept the afternoon away. God has answered your prayers and I'm feeling good. Just tired.

Love,
Carol

No disappointment

My anticipation of a "good Sunday" yesterday was well-placed. Both the hugs and the lesson at Sunday school refreshed my soul. The music and message at the worship service were equally restorative. The rest of the day was for resting, relaxing, and reading. (I didn't intend all those "r"s, but they work, don't they?)

The friend whose card I quoted yesterday sent with it a book of songs by Keith and Kristyn Getty. Last evening I sat down at the piano and played and sang through the whole book. Two of the songs, There Is a Higher Throne and In Christ Alone, are big favorites that I've mentioned here, which is the reason Sarah sent the book. Now I see that the Gettys have written many other amazing songs as well.

I feel very well this morning. I'm looking forward to seeing my oncologist and nurses, and maybe even hoping the doctor will decide to do chemo--in the hope that it will strongly attack the cancer.

A young friend, who spent all her growing-up years in a small town in West Africa, sent an email on Friday asking prayer about a job interview at her college. Then, demonstrating great maturity, she added the following quotation from Paul Tripp:

"Demand is the closing of my fists over a desire. Even though I may be unaware tht I have done it, I have left my proper position of submission to God. I have decided that I must have what I have set my heart on and nothing can stand in the way. I am no longer comforted by God's desire for me; I am threatened by it, because God's will potentially stands in the way of my demand."

Much as I would like to be healed, I cannot demand it. I reaffirm my confidence that God is smarter than I am--smarter, in fact, than all of us put together. His desire, motivated by love and wisdom, is absolutely the best.

Love,
Carol

Good Sunday

I woke up this morning convinced it was Monday and time to get ready for chemo. You can imagine my happiness when I realized it was really Sunday! Good Sunday. I'm really looking forward to this day.

I received a card a couple of days ago that included a song text on the back. It's from "Hear our Praises" by Reuben Morgan, copyright by Integrity's Hosanna!, and it expresses my prayers and hopes for this wonderful day:

May our homes be filled with dancing
May our streets be filled with joy
May injustice bow to Jesus
As the people turn and pray
From the mountain to the valley
Hear our praises rise to You
From the heavens to the nations
Hear the singing fill the air
May our light shine in the darkness
As we walk before the cross
May Your glory fill the whole earth
As the water over sea
Hallelujah

I'm feeling well again today. We're so happy to have our friend Sue here. She's preparing to return to her work in Guinea, West Africa.

Have a good Sunday.

Love,
Carol

Good Sunday

I woke up this morning thinking it was Monday and time to get ready for chemo. You can imagine my happiness when I realized it was Sunday! Good Sunday. I'm really looking forward to this day.

A couple of days ago

It is possible

A couple of days ago, the reading in Streams in the Desert was based on Matthew 17:20: "Nothing will be impossible for you." H.C.G. Moule goes on to say:

It is possible to daily "cast all your anxiety on Him" (1 Peter 5:7) and experience deep peace.

It is possible to have our thoughts and the desires of our hearts purified.

It is possible to see God's will in every circumstance and to accept it with singing instead of complaining.

It is possible to become strong by completely taking refuge in the power of God . . . .

I'm learning that by God's help these possibilities are true.

I slept soundly all through the night. That's a gift. This morning I feel better than I've felt since I had chemo almost three weeks ago. We have one more short excursion planned with our friends this morning before they leave town.

And I have a private-duty nurse for the weekend! She's the SIM nurse friend we stayed with in Sebring, Florida, in January. She's here on business and since she's almost like a daughter to us, we're thrilled to have her in our home. I don't really feel in need of nursing care, but she's threatening to "spoil" me anyway.

The husband of our new-kidney friend has come home from the hospital--still without a diagnosis. And her white cell count is still dangerously low. We pray they'll both continue to recover.

It is possible to keep our focus on God today and to walk in the light. Let's do it!

Love,
Carol

On activism and patience

It's sweet to be re-connecting with my college roommate and her husband. I admire them so much; they've been activists in the best sense of the word. Making friends worldwide through an exchange program called "Friendship Force." Helping start programs that need to be started, such as the Child Advocacy program which has now grown nationwide. Ephesians 6:8 promises: "Remember that the Lord will give a reward to everyone . . . for doing good." I feel blessed to know someone who has done so much good, even when they were very busy with their "day" jobs.

We took them to the Orchid House yesterday, and today they'd like to see the Billy Graham Library.

Do you think I can be patient about the doctor? I called yesterday to ask for a decision on proceeding to chemo Monday in view of the CA 125 and other blood tests. Found out that the doctor is away until Monday, so no sure decision can be made until then. We assume he'll say yes, so we'll pick up the powerful anti-nausea pills at the drugstore just to be ready. I'm so thankful for this kind of help.

Now, another Bible verse about doing good. "It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Chist Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others" (Ephesians 2:10). Simple enough!

Love,
Carol

CA 125 up -- a little

Thanks for praying. The CA 125 went up to 1213, a 11.27% increase. That means that at least the upward trajectory has slowed, and we're thankful. We'll talk with the doctor later today to see what he's thinking for Monday. (We need to know ahead, in order to pre-treat for nausea.) All the other bloodwork is within normal range; this is a miracle after all the chemo that's been pumped into my body. God is good.

In praise of the Christmas letter

This week continues to be a feast of visitors, and it's put me thinking about the value of the annual family newsletter, whether by post or email. Our guests were all close friends during one season of our lives, but then we all moved on, and there were many years when the annual letter was our only point of contact. Understandable! One can do only so much at one time. Still, because of the annual letter, we've kept up with one another's location and big events, and when opportunity comes to get together, we can pick up right where we'd left off years earlier. We're so much richer as a result.

Today will be the same. My college roommate and her husband, whom we haven't seen since they returned from the Peace Corps in Ghana in the 60s, are coming to see us! I can't wait, and I feel so blessed.

First, though, I'm taking a colleague to an MRI this morning. She's enduring endless severe headaches, and needs answers. (Just because she's single, she shouldn't have to go alone! Chuck has taught me the value of companionship at critical times.)

So as you might assume, the magazine is coming together well and it's a good week for flexible time. I want to honor the graciousness of all the SIM people around the world to whom I sent drafts for their corrections and approval. I know they're way too busy, but even when they need to make corrections, they are unfailingly courteous. It's a privilege to work with folks like these.

I hope for the results of my tumor marker test this morning, and as soon as it comes I'll post a brief update here. If it's down or leveling off, the doctor will probably recommend proceeding to chemo next Monday. If it's hugely up . . . well, who knows? Answer: God.

Love,
Carol

In praise of the Christmas letter

This week continues to be a feast of visitors, and it's put me thinking about the value of

The story

I looked through a box of encouragement cards this morning, seeking one for a sick friend. I also found a message for myself: "God has not only read your story, He wrote it" (Max Lucado). It quotes Jeremiah 29:11, "...'I know what I am planning for you,' says the Lord. 'I have good plans for you...I will give you hope and a good future.'"

That takes me back to my post earlier about days and nights. A friend wrote back in agreement, then reminded me of this amazing and wonderful fact: "To You [God] the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to You" (Psalm 139:12).

I slept so well last night, making up I guess for many wakeful hours the night before (not worried, just wakeful). Last night was Chuck's "turn." I get very prayed for when he can't sleep. Actually, he and all of you get prayed for when I can't. I hope tonight we both sleep soundly.

The doctor couldn't find a cause for Gavin's pain. We pray it will simply clear up.
The husband of our new-kidney friend is still in the hospital, undiagnosed.

Off to get blood drawn for the CA 125. Hope to have results tomorrow.

Love,
Carol

Memories

Our friends' visit was like a picnic, a parade, a festival, and a party. What wonderful memories we share. We were neighbors during the precious few years our children were pre-schoolers, and neither she nor I had jobs outside the home, so we had time for friendship. We couldn't remember when they'd been here before, so last evening I read through the 12 years of entries in our guest book. (Their last visit was 10 years ago!) Lots of wonderful memories there too.

Our consultation with the funeral director was very encouraging and helpful. Now we have the information we need in order to discuss plans with our daughters at Easter time. And who knows? We may not ever need those plans!

What we do need is wisdom--for both the big and "small" choices we face daily. This one-year Bible I'm reading is providing readings from Acts and Proverbs right now. Proverbs 8 pictures Wisdom as a lady inviting everyone to feast on insight and understanding.

"Leave your impoverished confusion and live! Walk up the street to a life with meaning.
...
Skilled living gets its start in the Fer-of-God,
Insight into life from knowing a Holy God.
It's through me, Lady Wisdom, that your life deepens,
And the years of your life ripen."

Ripe years! That sounds sweet to me.

Yesterday I felt better than the day before. I'm hoping this bad spell is over at last.

Our grandson Gavin had pretty bad abdominal pain yesterday, and they're hoping to get in to see the doctor today. We'll so appreciate your prayers for him. Also, the husband of our friend who received the miracle kidney donation is now in the hospital with severe abdominal pain; after almost 3 days they still have no clue what it is. And her blood counts (white and red cells) have plummeted. Please pray for them.

Thanks.

Carol

Amazing

A friend told an amazing story in Sunday school yesterday. He serves regularly at our church's weekly homeless shelter ("Room at the Inn"--where churches take turns) during the winter. Last year he met a man there who confided that he was out of options and was contemplating suicide. Our friend showed him compassion and assured him of Jesus' love and power to save. Last week the gentleman came again to the shelter, but not as a guest. He was there to say thanks. He's been clean for more than a year, and is back at home with his family. I know Jesus is doing similar miracles hundreds of times every day, but it's sure fun when it happens right in front of our eyes.

Yesterday was better than Saturday for me. Today my head still feels like I'm inside a tank, but maybe it's a little better. I'll have blood tests Wednesday, reports Thursday, that will indicate whether we move ahead to the next chemo on Feb. 25. I'm asking God to do what He knows is best; I certainly don't know!

Thanks for your prayers.

I started this blog before I began cancer treatment because, frankly, I felt a desperate need for prayer, and I still do. But it occurs to me that for some it may be providing an education on the journey with cancer. I hope it's as close as you ever come! So with that in mind, I'll tell you that we're consulting with a funeral director later today (after our long-time friends leave). No, we're not giving up. We just want to do the research now that will simplify decisions when the time comes, regardless of which of us goes first. Since we now have deep roots in both the North and the South, it's a little more complicated. I hope nobody thinks that we invite death by talking freely about it. What?! Is God a half-blind magician who can be fuddled into doing what we want as long as we speak the "right" words and avoid the wrong words? No, of course not. He knows best. We can fully rely on Him.
Love,
Carol

In time

I've been grazing in When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. Last evening I read about "attunement" to the present moment. "Our eyes become so focused on goals that we forget to wonder in the presence of a rose" (Sam Keen). "This is not a dress rehearsal; it's life." "The present moment is always overflowing with immeasurable riches, far more than you are able to hold" (Jean-Pierre de Caussade).

I realized, again, that it's very easy for me to live in some other moment, either past or future. Most often future. Planning the dinner menu. Choosing good words to for a note I need to send. Prioritizing the day's tasks. Deciding what to write about in the next blog (smile). Through the night, I'd wake up briefly and remember to snuggle in to the moment--the comfortable mattress, the silence, the ability to breathe, and so much more.

It's great to have Keith here. We watched two movies last evening, one humorous and one heart-warming. He returns home after church today.

Yesterday turned out to be a slumpy day for me; I felt like my head was in a cave. I think I'm better this morning.

Blessings,
Carol

Not St. Therese

My friend Robin discovered that the real author of "All shall be well" was Dame Julian of Norwich, not St. Therese. I think I knew that at some time in the past. I'll have to see if I can learn more about her. In any case, I certainly do affirm the truth that all shall be well.

I didn't get a phone call yesterday from the doctor's office, so I assume that no new problems showed up in the test reports, or else they felt that the meds I'm taking will handle it. I certainly felt much better yesterday, and even my brain seemed to be working well enough that I trusted myself to sort out the approval-seeking process for the new magazine articles from a couple of dozen mission leaders overseas. Now they can be responding while I'm at home for the long weekend. (Monday is President's Day in the U.S.) I feel so blessed by the privilege of working with truly outstanding people.

During the many hours of sitting and resting over the past week, I've been reading a remarkable book titled Understanding the Arab-Israeli Conflict by Michael Rydelnik (Moody Publishers). I always thought I paid fairly close attention to international news, but on almost every page of this book I learned things I hadn't known about things that had happened in my lifetime. (It would have helped to understand Arabic!) One interesting historical fact is that Jews had been trying to return to the Holy Land in varying numbers ever since the second century. And that the nation of Israel wasn't "born in a day" in 1948, as people like to say. The Jews had been moving back in significant numbers since the 1880s. The best part of the book is its high view of what the Bible says and promises for the future. Let us "pray for the peace of Jerusalsem," as the Bible exhorts us to do.

Our son-in-law Keith is in town on business, and will be with us overnight. We're so excited to see him. On Monday, friends we first met more than 40 years ago are stopping in. And then other friends on Wednesday. That makes this week very special.

Love,
Carol

"Something isn't right"

I worked yesterday morning, but as it wore on, I realized something wasn't right. So I went to the doctor, thinking maybe I was dehydrated after all. No. But they found problems: high blood pressure and an ear/throat infection. And they ran tests for still more possibilities, which reports I should get this morning. I'll let you know if there's more. Meanwhile, I'm already taking meds for the things we know about, and hope to be back to "normal" soon. (I've always had perfect blood pressure, so I certainly don't understand this, but they tested it several times. Also, I'd have expected pain with the infections, but there was none.)

When I wrote about Moses yesterday, I said he entered the cloud of God's presence and stayed there with Him for 40 days. The Bible actually says 40 days and 40 nights--a frequent pattern for describing duration of time. As an editor, I get impatient with superfluous words; why bother to say 40 nights when it's obvious that they're included in the 40 days? So early this morning I was awake, thinking about all this stuff that's happening, and I got a flash of insight. God includes the references to nights because nights are different from days. Usually tougher. Whatever cloud we walk into, for however long, we're there for the nights as well as the days. I found strange comfort in knowing that God is so aware of that fact that He bothers to use extra words to assure us that He knows. In the words of one of the famous Saints Therese, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all shall be very well."

Blessings,
Carol

The cloud

I've had a lot of questions over the past week, largely of the what's-going-on-here variety. It seems as though I should have bounced back by now. Yesterday morning I got myself ready for work, but decided to stay home a few hours to unpack, do a little cleaning, and make some urgent phone calls. Chuck came home to join me for lunch, and by the time that was finished, I felt I needed to rest awhile. I never did come up out of that deep dark hole all afternoon. It was like brain and body were both functioning at about half capacity.

Early this morning I was lying in bed and asking similar questions when suddenly a quote (I think from the Psalms) flashed into my mind to the effect that God comes in a cloud. Oh! I thought, I've been trying to run away from this cloud and get back into the light. If I'd been sure God was approaching me from within the cloud, I'd have walked toward it. That thought changed everything. I'm sorry I missed some sweet opportunities to "see" Him during the past dark days, but I don't doubt His patience and mercy. Yesterday morning I read a puzzling account in Exodus. The Message says it like this: "Then they climbed the mountain--Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel--and saw the God of Israel. He was standing on a pavement of something like sapphires--pure, clear sky-blue. He didn't hurt these leaders of the Israelites. They saw God; and they ate and drank." Is that not one of the most startling events in all of history? Then a cloud covered the mountain and the glory of God settled over Mount Sinai. Moses walked into the cloud and spent 40 days there with God. In my weakness, I still want to walk (or crawl) into the cloud and look for God there.

(I hesitate to tell about Bible reading, because yesterday was the first time in several days that I even opened the Book. I don't want to pretend to be a spiritual hero. It's not that there's anything magical about Bible reading. As a general rule, though, I find that I have more truth to live by when I read it than when I don't.)

And now that I'm up, I find that I'm feeling stronger. Because of urgent deadlines, I must go to the office today no matter how I'm feeling, but I probably don't have to stay all day unless I'm okay.

A couple of reports: our Nassau friend who had lung cancer just received another all-clear from his doctors in Houston. My "cancer buddy" (also lung) in the Sunday school class has begun chemo treatments again to treat growths in a couple of lymph nodes. Our Liberian friend has not yet been called to receive a heart. And one of our Sunday school friends who received a kidney transplant last year has learned that he has prostate cancer. Now that's heavy and dark! We pray for them.

Love,
Carol

Making Progress

Carol had a good night of rest between numerous times to the bathroom, but is resting now and assures me that she "really" is better, but will stay in bed for a while. She is quite weak having taken minimal food during the past five or so days, so we continue to pray for the necessary healing but are so thankful for the improvement.

We are thankful for not only the guidance and healing that we have experienced from the Lord, but through it all, His peace, and even joy has been evident during the times when we faced challenges.

In retrospect, I recognize how easy it is to be thinking that we need guidance at the moment, but recognize that what we REALLy need is a guide. There is always much more needed than we even are aware of. I fear that to often we use the Lord as a GPS, wanting just guidance for the moment and miss the tremendous blessing of peace and rest that can accompany that guidance when we have a real relationship with our Lord and Savior. I often get kidded about my "relationship" with my GPS as we travel and I refer to "her" as Miss Garmin. Yes, Miss Garmin is close to being 100% accurate in directions, but that is as far as it goes.

I thank you Father, for that relationship which you allow your people to have with you during the good and not-so-good times. It is our desire that in all of our daily experiences, you will be glorified!

Our love to you all,

Chuck...and Carol

End of dignity

I'm a member of the generation that doesn't even want to mention body functions. And here you've all been praying for days that my digestive system would begin to work properly. I can't find words to thank you!

We're now home, and I've spoken with my doctor, and Chuck has gone to the drug store for the next stage of medication. I am already feeling better, and now with this treatment I'm hoping to be lots better by tomorrow.

My sister and her husband had just moved to a new home, and unfortunately the internet and phone service didn't move with them. Every time Chuck tried to communicate with anyone, my sister had to disconnect dozens of lines and a bunch of equipment, carry it over to the old house and hook it up, and even then the connections would disappear time and time again. He was so patient to try to keep in touch. I'm just sorry for all the concern we caused. I think it was a serious situation, and I certainly felt almost as bad as I had in the hospital after surgery, but I'm very thankful that we didn't have to do the hospital thing over there. Thanks so much for your prayers.

Love,
Carol

Carol Improving

We are thankful to report that Carol is making some improvement. She has been able to take a fair amount of fluids today and a little broth to give her a bit of energy. She is feeling a bit stronger and Lord willing, we plan to be flying back to the states tomorrow (Tuesday). She has spent the vast majority of her time here in a horizontal position, and feeling rather uncomfortable. We are praying that she will be able to make the trip tomorrow.

Your prayers are so much appreciated.

Love to you all,

Chuck...and Carol too

Thanks For Praying

Your prayers are so much appreciated!

Carol told me that within fifteen minutes of my blog going out last evening, she was feeling a bit of renewed energy and things began "to move" a some. Prayers were answered! She is now out of bed and reclined on the porch, watching an occasional boat pass by between naps. She has been able to take a bit of fluids and a very small amount of food, so we trust that we may be turning the corner. We appreciate all of you praying more than you know!

It is a bit difficult keeping in touch here because we are living in the new house and the internet and US phone line has not been installed as planned, so each time we wish to communicate, we have to take a drive back to the old house to connect. We will try to keep you updated from time to time if we see any change.

We are thankful for this bit of improvement and the improved comfort for Carol, but know that additional improvement is needed if we are able to take the planned flight back to the states Tuesday.

Our love to you all,

Chuck...and Carol too

Difficult Time

We appreciate all of you that are faithfully praying! Our trip has gone well, but Carol is not doing too well. Her digestive system completely shut down today, and she is unable to take fluids or retain medications.

I just talked with nurse daughter Sue back in the states, and find that we have been doing the right things today to correct the problem and she gave me some other suggestions which we trust will prevent a visit to the hospital here. We will monitor this situation carefully during the next few hours, and continue to pray for wisdom.

Carol asked that I get a quick message out so you would know how to pray.

Thanks for FROGin (Fully Relying On God) with us!

We love you!

Chuck...and Carol too

Safe arrival

We're in Nassau. My sister and her husband have moved into their new home, but the internet isn't installed yet, so I'm just writing quickly here to let you know we're okay. I'm coughing less today, and hoping to be even better tomorrow.

I'm not sure I'll be able to get back online. Thanks for your prayers. Have a great weekend.

Carol

Five days, no nausea, thank God

I'm so thankful to have been free of nausea all week. I know you were praying; thanks.

The fatigue continues, and I've developed a deep and grinding cough; it reminds me of the way I coughed for months 2 1/2 years ago before we finally discovered the cancer-caused fluids crowding my lung cavity. Only Monday the doctor checked and found no fluid. So we've been debating about this trip to Nassau, and at the moment we're still planning to go. Maybe the warm sun is just what I need.

A friend sent a beautiful Bible verse for our encouragement: Psalm 68:19, "Praise the Lord; praise God our Savior! For each day he carries us in his arms." That's a very safe place to be.

Have a great weekend. We'll try to keep in touch.
Love,
Carol

Our daughter, the artist

Sue has been teaching herself to paint with acrylics by copying professional works of art. Now she's learning to do original sketches. Here are her two youngest sons, Jeremy and Justin, with their respective girlfriends, Julianna and Laura. Pretty good, I think.





I got a "D" on a small art assignment in the third grade, and I believed it. Once, in high school, I declined an offer from a good local artist to teach me art if I'd teach her daughter the piano. That's what happens when you believe you can't do something.

Now I need to believe I can get up and put in a few hours at work today. I really need to do that, and I suspect bed is just getting to be a habit. I may also be losing the battle against dehydration by sleeping when I should be drinking. I'll be very careful today to catch up on that; dehydration is one of the serious effects of this chemo, and could land me back in the doctor's office for infusion of fluids. We leave tomorrow at 7 for Nassau; the timing is a little tight.

May I request urgent prayer for my "cancer buddy" in our Sunday school class? His lungs have been cancer free for months, but he learned yesterday that he must begin chemo again, due to infected lymph nodes. We've been so thankful for his remission. Also, our Nassau friend whose lung cancer has been in remission is getting scans this week and will meet his doctors next week for an update. We pray he's still clean.

Have a great day.
Carol

Healed for today

I really do feel much better this morning, though still quite fatigued. I've had a sore throat since Monday (no other symptoms of cold or flu), and this morning the pain is gone. There's been no nausea at all. It has felt so good to be able to lie in bed and sleep for almost 36 hours, as I felt so whipped. Yesterday afternoon, with the temperature at 70 F., I lay on the chaise on the patio for about three hours. That was refreshing. I was looking forward to leading chapel this morning, but last evening Chuck persuaded me to call my pre-arranged substitute and beg off; I probably don't need the normal rush to get ready this morning.

It's Ash Wednesday today, the beginning of Lent. I think of the great prophetic line: "Ye people, rend your hearts, not your garments." It's easy to put on public displays of piety and repentance (tearing clothes was one such display in Bible times), but what God wants is a humble heart that's quick to confess and turn away from sin. It will be good, during this season of Lent, to be sensitive to ways we can please the Lord.

We have tickets to fly to Nassau this Friday for a few days with my sister and her husband. I hope to feel well enough, to finish urgent work, and to pack adequately before that.

And now I'm drooping. Maybe I can grab a short nap before my dental appointment later this morning.

Love,
Carol

Prayer Answered!

Our Father continues to answer your prayers!

The chemo yesterday (this was number 49) went well, and Carol has had minimal side effects from it. She had a good night with NO nausia, for which we are most thankful. The main problem was that she is very tired, so I am hoping that by my getting a quick blog out for her this morning, she will stay in bed longer to prevent any other potential effects.

We praise God for answered prayer each day. Some days may not be quite what we would desire, but we are so thankful for the strength, health and freedom from pain which He has given Carol these past two plus years. When we first learned about the cancer, we prayed that God would be glorified as we battled this enemy. Only eternity will indicate the degree to which that was accomplished, but I have seen numerous ways in which He has used Carol through this to bless and encourage others.

As I sat with Carol during the three-hour infusion yesterday, I read a classic by R. A. Torrey, How to Pray. I was especially interested in the chapter on Hindrances to Prayer. The first hindrance of the seven that he discussed was from James 4:3 as quoted by him, “Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may spend it in your pleasures.” I feel the NLT sounds better to our ears today, which reads “… when you do ask, you don’t get it because your whole motive is wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.” The bottom line to quote Torrey; “A selfish purpose in prayer robs prayer of power.”

How often we seek prayer for health and wealth issues, that if we are honest, are requests for our own comfort or pleasure, not for God’s glory. As I pray for Carol and myself, I trust that I will focus my prayers on God’s glory…that His will is accomplished as we walk this winding road together. That brings the words of John the Baptist to my mind. "He must increase, I must decrease". That is a moment by moment battle for me!

Thanks for sharing the journey with us. May each of you recognize God’s glory in answered prayer today.

Love to you all,

Chuck…and Carol too

Normal

Last week my artistic friend in Michigan wrote this on her weekly handmade card: "I pray your meals are normal (whatever tht is) and your food tastes right and your system is functioning properly. She sent it the day before I met with the oncologist, at which time we decided to proceed with cisplatin chemo, which has a terrible reputation for "abnormal" food processing. Those prayers are certainly appreciated.
I've just returned home from the first infusion of cisplatin, and I'm feeling fine. Tired, but "normal."

Thanks for checking.

Carol

I know exactly how long I'll live

In recent hours I've been thinking about the truth that before I was born, "every day of my life was recorded in [God's] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" (Psalm 139:16). And it goes on to say, "How precious are your thoughts bout me, O God!" I am positive about this. I'll live exactly as many days as He wrote in His book, and since He is the smartest, wisest, and most loving Person in the universe, I have no corrections to add to His plan.

Yesterday afternoon we visited the Orchid House at the Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden. It's a wonderland. Arches are covered, each in a unique pattern, with airplants.


Thousands of orchids grow throughout the glass house. This is a wall that's covered with them, with water falling gently behind them.


Hundreds of other tropical plants are there as well. Did you know that the cacao (chocolate) fruit is orange, weighs a pound, and contains 20 to 60 seeds?

I was very encouraged at the close of Sunday school yesterday when teacher Tom, obviously led by God to do so, prayed feelingly for me (again). So many people are dealing with stuff in their lives that part of me is reluctant for special attention. But I need prayer so badly, and I'm so grateful for the concern and faith back of it, that it came to my heart like good medicine.

We watched the Super Bowl. My football interests are quite narrow, and since the Packers didn't get to play, I didn't really care who won. I cheered for my grandsons' favorite (congratulations), enjoyed the half time, and went to bed.

Now to work, and at noon to chemo. Jesus will be there--in both places.

I spent 50 minutes this morning trying to connect to Blogger. If ever I can't connect, please don't assume I'm sick. It's probably just the internet.

Blessings,
Carol

A deep and reverent awe

Chuck got up really early this morning, so he finished reading today's selection in the Bible before I got up. He was so struck by Exodus 20:20 that he read it to me as I was sipping my coffee: "Don't be afraid. God has come to test you and instill a deep and reverent awe within you so that you won't sin." (This was to calm the Israelites who were stunned by the presence and power of God as He gave them the Ten Commandments.) In verse 6 He promised, "I'm unswervingly loyal to the thousands who love me and keep my commandments." That thought blows my mind. To think that the Creator of the universe would commit Himself to be loyal to us. Adherents of world religions worship gods who are capricious and anything but loyal. Of course, I can't insist on His loyalty on the basis of my fulfilling His conditions to love Him and keep His commandments. I want to, but both my love and my obedience are flawed and intermittent--like all humans. That's why Jesus died.

One of our car tires picked up a nail, so Chuck took it in for repair yesterday morning. As he waited, he browsed a magazine and saw news of a treatment just approved for testing in the U.S for ovarian cancer. It seems to offer such promise that we're going to investigate. Wouldn't it be amazing if a punctured tire led to renewed hope? (Of course, our doctor might already know about this and has ruled it out for some reason, but we'll check.)

De-cluttering was the key word yesterday. I went through loads of stuff that had accumulated and needed to be either given away or discarded. There's more stuff for a future unscheduled weekend, but even that act of simplifying is very satisfying.

Have a wonderful Sunday.
Love,
Carol

Celebrating a Coronation

That's what Dr. Robertson McQuilken, brother of Mrs. Bowers and moderator of the funeral yesterday, called it. The service was beautiful. I'm sure you can imagine the subject of our dinner and evening conversation, and the topic of our wakeful thoughts in the night. I am planning to live--fully live--as long as God permits, but He hasn't told us His plans. So we realize there are issues we need to research and discuss.

Dr. McQuilken's message was the most beautiful exposition of Psalm 23 I've ever heard. He told a beautiful story about a young orphan boy who lay dying in a hospital, very distressed. The chaplain came and told him about his Good Shepherd. As a memory aid, he linked the first five words, "The Lord is my Shepherd," to the five fingers of his left hand. The - Lord - is - my - Shepherd. And when he got to the fourth finger, he emphasized MY, helping the little boy personalize his relationship with the Shepherd.

A few days later, the chaplain returned and found an empty bed. The nurse had a story to tell. The lad had died peacefully, his hands lying on his chest. "But," she said, "I was puzzled. He had his right fist tightly clasped around the fourth finger of his left hand." No puzzle at all. He was simply saying, "MY Shepherd is here."

Our weekend is quite unscheduled. There's plenty that needs doing, but no deadlines. That's probably good.

Have a great weekend.

Carol

Please forgive me

After seeing the doctor yesterday, I went to work and immersed myself in catching up. I don't deserve the level of love and concern that motivated some of you to keep checking this space all day for an update. I'm so sorry I didn't think to post a report. I appreciate you so much!

I'll begin chemo again on Monday at noon with cisplatin. Even though I had carboplatin two years ago, the doctor believes this platinum drug is different enough that the immune cancer cells won't recognize it and it may drive down the cancer. He had saved this drug for last because it has a mean reputation. The nurses will pump me full of anti-nausea drugs before administering the cisplatin, and they've already called in prescriptions of anti-nausea pills to fortify my return home. So I'll be all right. There are other potential effects, such as high-frequency hearing loss, more neuropathy, etc. God has powerfully protected me these two years, and I can trust Him with this.

Some of our friends have recommended alternative treatments overseas. I studied them, and we concluded that this time around it's the right thing to follow our doctor's wisdom. Thanks for all the prayers specifically asking for wisdom for him.

Yesterday I read an interesting statement from God to Pharoah at the time of the Exodus (Exodus 9). Pharoah, as you know, kept refusing to let the Israelites leave their slavery in Egypt and return to the land God had promised Abraham and his descendants more than 400 years earlier. After six plagues, God said, "You know that by now I could have struck you and your people with deadly disease and there would be nothing left of you, not a trace. But for one reason only I've kept you on your feet: to make you recognize my power so that my reputation spreads in all the Earth" (The Message). Isn't that cool? His purpose is still the same; to see His reputation spread through all the earth among all nations and people groups. As long as He keeps me "on my feet," I want to add my voice to millions of others saying, "God is good. He is powerful. He is loving and forgiving, as He demonstrated by taking on a human body and dying our death. He cares deeply for every person and thing He created." (Oh! There's so much more to say about Him!)

I read some terrifying on-the-ground reports from Kenya. That civilized and largely "Christianized" nation is descending into tribalism and brutality since the December election. The accounts are beyond belief. Please pray for sensibility, peace, repentance, and reconciliation.

Today we're going to Columbia, South Carolina, for the funeral of our Sunday school teacher's mother. Mrs. Bowers lived a full and godly life, and died this week at the age of 93!

Love,
Carol