Spontaneity

I woke up a little early, and the first memory to enter my mind was priceless. About 30 years ago our family was enjoying the beach on Cat Island, Bahamas, during a visit with my missionary mother. She had stayed at home to do some now-forgotten task. Suddenly we saw her wading across the inlet to join us--in her dress. We ran to meet her, assuming a crisis. No, she had only decided to have some fun with us, and she was afraid if she took time to change into her swimsuit, we'd be heading back before she got to us. I love that memory of spontaneity in a woman who usually lived by duty. Well, I love every memory of her and also of that beautiful place. (She and my father went there upon his retirement, so it was never our family home.)

I'm feeling well, and looking forward to seeing the oncologist today. I know he's encouraged by my falling CA 125 numbers.

My "cancer buddy" suffered an "episode" during Monday night and was taken to the hospital. We went there last evening, and he was looking good by then. The doctor is seeking to rule out a stroke. We pray for everything to be okay and for his tumors to continue to shrink. His wife commented that we four need to hold on for miracles, since both our cancers are the type for which medicine offers no cure. True. But then, every day of life is a miracle.

Right below this is an entry added yesterday after I got word that our Nassau friend had done well in his high-risk diagnostic tests regarding the masses in his lung. Thank the Lord, and we surely need to keep praying for healing for him. He'll get results on February 6. (There oughta' be a law against testing patients' patience so long!)

Do something spontaneous today. Someone will remember you for it.

Love,
Carol

Update from Nassau Friend

Praise the Lord and thank you for praying. The diagnostic procedures for Bob's lung masses went well, despite many delays. Their Nassau pastor flew over to Florida to be with them. (How we wished we could have been there; we're so thankful that Clint did it.) Now they need to wait until February 6 to discuss the results with the doctors. I know from experience that they'll really need God's grace to wait patiently. Also they and the doctors need wisdom; I'm so glad God promises in His Word to give wisdom to those who ask. We're asking!

Peculiar Places

Down the road a few miles from Charlotte, there's another mission (JAARS) with another mission magazine (Rev-7) and another mission editor named Carol. She and I have become friends by email, and I hope we can meet some day. She's a great writer. Yesterday she sent me a poem which I wholeheartedly affirm is the truth, although I haven't yet experienced everything in it.

Peculiar Places

A most illuminating perspective on life
Is viewed from peculiar places;

The middle of black tunnels pierced by one sun filament,
The ends of ropes--"wit's ends,"
Desperately deep valleys enclosed by forbidding cliffs of hope,
Or the ragged, thin edge of a freshly-dug grave.

Surprisingly, such dark places are also filled with light,
And suffering-distilled messages people send from there
Stun us with their shining purity and truth--
So much so we cannot ignore them or turn away.

The grieved, afflicted, and distraught see and know
what we sometimes can only imagine:
God, in ineffable light, purifying their hearts, souls and minds,
Manifests Himself, and discloses that in such peculiar places He especially dwells.

--Carol Brinneman

As soon as I post this, I'll be reading the end of the book of Job, where I know this "ineffable light" comes shining.

I had to go to bed last evening before I was able to reach our Nassau friends by phone, and I'm sure it's too early to call this morning. So we don't know how the procedures went, but we can still pray.

Chuck talked with grandson Jeremy yesterday. He's doing well, and he's having Bible studies with "Abraham," the young man who says he wants to be a Christian. Jeremy had been somewhat discouraged by Abraham's obnoxious behavior, but he says he's hearing rumors that that behavior is improving. Well, isn't that exactly what God does when let Him in? More cause to pray! And praise: Jeremy is going to get to go for a short visit to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, towards the end of February. Don't you love that word? Ouagadougou!

I am so thankful to continue to feel so well. Last night again I saw those illuminated frogs on our bedroom table and remembered to Fully Rely On God. He is reliable.

Love,
Carol

Whispers of His Power

Yesterday was beautiful in every way. In the morning the sky was endless blue. By afternoon clouds rolled in, and we hurried to take our walk before the promised cold snap arrived. In the Sunday school class we gave serious thought to the nature of the God to whom we pray; it was great. Our friends there were lavish in thanking God for the drop in my CA 125 numbers; several took it as the direct answer to their personal prayers. I am so grateful.

I think there were more than 100 people at the Justice Project launch last evening. We joined the kids’ outreach team, and will probably also be on call for group service projects at times. Each of us took home a small red towel, symbolic of Christ’s servant attitude as He washed His disciples’ feet. Every time we show up to serve in that neighborhood, we’re supposed to tuck that towel in a back pocket.

I think it was fine yesterday morning to look at Job’s virtues. He is definitely one of my heroes. But by far, God is the real Hero of this and every story. Job himself, in flawless poetry, gave voice to God’s greatness. May I quote him here?

“God stretches the northern sky over empty space and hangs the earth on nothing. He wraps the rain in his thick clouds, and the clouds do not burst with the weight. He shrouds his throne with his clouds. He created the horizon when he separated the waters; he set the boundaries for day and night. The foundations of heaven tremble at his rebuke…His Spirit made the heavens beautiful…These are some of the minor things he does, merely a whisper of his power. Who can understand the thunder of his power?” (Job 26:7-14).

Then, in chapter 28, he reflects on the gorgeous gems and precious metals God has buried deep in the earth, and the cleverness of people to mine them. In verse 20 he turns sober: “But do people know where to find wisdom? Where can they find understanding? For it is hidden from the eyes of all humanity…God surely knows where it can be found, for he looks throughout the whole earth, under all the heavens. He made the winds blow and determined how much rain should fall. He made the laws of the rain and prepared a path for the lightning. Then, when he had done all this, he saw wisdom and measured it. He established it and examined it thoroughly. And this is what he says to all humanity: ‘The fear of the Lord is true wisdom; to forsake evil is real understanding.’”

As I watch history unfold, and also as I listen to people I love grappling with tough relational issues, I think that what we all need is wisdom and understanding. Even Job, in the depths of his pain and perplexity, knew the source of wisdom. Do we?

I beg your prayers for our Nassau friend. Today he faces a lung biopsy (by bronchoscope, I think) and a far more risky invasion behind his breastbone with a micro-camera to observe the mass there. Oh God, help!

Love,
Carol

What a Guy!

What a guy Job was! From God's own mouth we have this recommendation: "He is the finest man in all the earth -- a man of complete integrity. He fears God and will have nothing to do with evil" (Job 1:8). In case we don't know what that looks like in day-to-day living, Job fleshes it out in chapters 29 and 31. May I simply list the qualities of his life?
Friend of God (29:4)
Helper of the poor, orphans, widows, and those who had lost hope (29:11)
Just and honest ((29:14)
Helper of the blind, lame, and strangers (29: 15,16)
Deliverer of victims of injustice (29:17)
Wise counselor (29:21-23, 25)
Encourager (29:24)
Truthful (31:5)
Morally pure (31:9)
Fair to employees (31:13,14)
Generous (31:17-20)
Not a lover of money (31:24)
Not seduced by pagan worship of sun and moon (31:25,26)
Not vengeful (31:29,30)
Not a hypocrite (31:33,34)
In 31:38, he declares that his land cannot accuse him. Might this mean that he was respectful of the environment? That deserves more study, but it's an intriguing thought.

Our world today surely needs many men and women like this. Such a high standard! This is why Jesus sent the Holy Spirit, and why we are to "walk in the Spirit." I think no one could match Job's righteousness by human strength. Then the thought comes: Job isn't our standard, Jesus is. Yeah, that's really what the world needs: millions of people authentically living the Jesus lifestyle. God help us!

Tonight we kick off the Justice Project in the city. I hope to find a niche where I can follow the example above of kindness to "the poor, orphans, widows, and those who have lost hope." God knows there are many of them in our beautiful city.

Our Nassau friend has had to postpone his lung surgery until February 6. I'm praying that the delay means more time for God to heal and strengthen him.

Have a blessed Sunday.

Love,
Carol

Learning God

Our Sunday school teacher says, "The main reason our prayers are sometimes too small, or off-target, or doubting, or infrequent, or ineffectual [is due to] our perception of the God to whom we are praying." I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning. "Last Sunday we explored the ask/respond relationship within the Trinity. Jesus clearly told us that He does whatever the Father asks, and the Father does what the Son asks, because that is how love is demonstrated within the Trinity. The essential love language of the cosmos, God's natural love language, is the continuous interaction of asking and responding. Incredibly, we are invited to enter into that love communication--to ask and then receive, to be asked and to obey. Our side of this is to ask (God feels loved when we ask, He waits to respond in love to being asked) and to obey when He does the asking (He expresses love by asking, He waits to receive the love we express through responding to what He asks of us)."

We talk a lot about prayer when people we love are in pain or other kind of distress. I feel a need to pause and refresh my view of the One I'm praying to. Billions of people in other religions recite rote prayers, often with their faces to the ground, without the least clue of the nature of the one to whom they pray. We have a fabulous Book that tells us clearly what God is like. Blessed, we are!

I'm still feeling well, as long as I can keep my early appointment with bedtime. It's a nuisance, because I always want to keep doing stuff, but it's a small price to pay for every morning's fresh start.

Thank you for caring and praying.

Love,
Carol

A Moment of Envy

A colleague learned last week that her lymphoma, which she has fought for ten years, was recurring. The good news was a new breakthrough in treating that kind of cancer. It's very effective and she'll feel better almost immediately after the first infusion. I confess to a moment of generalized envy. When will a breakthrough happen for ovarian cancer?

Fifty years ago, I was beginning my final semester as a senior at the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. I sat in Moody Church during Founder's Week (annual Bible conference always held the week of DL Moody's birthday) and watched a group of very old people file on stage in celebration of their 50th graduation anniversary. This year it's our turn. A week from tomorrow we'll drive north again (please, no snow!), spend the weekend with some of our kids and grands, and go to Chicago for Monday through Wednesday (February 5-7). I am so eager to see many who were dear friends. They can't all be there, of course, and some have already died. I expect to see at least two much-loved professors who retired and stayed in the area.

I can't move on without sharing Job 19:26-27. "But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God. I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought."

Yesterday's PET scan further confirmed the likelihood of cancer in our friend's lung and also in nodes on his windpipe. He'll have a surgical biopsy on the 29th. The miracle they report is that God is filling their hearts with overwhelming peace. Oh, how we pray!

Love,
Carol

Clear Facts, Mysterious Meaning

This year I'm reading a Chronological Bible. The editors rearranged the content so that the reader encounters events in the order they occurred, regardless which book of the Bible they're recorded in. No one knows for sure when Job lived, but it's likely that he is part of very early history, so I'm reading that heart-stopping story now--right after Genesis.

"Job's comforters" are well known metaphors for blaming the victim. It's easy to write them off as stupid, prejudiced, and wrong. But, you know, they were brilliant, full of common sense, and observant. Everything they said has the ring of truth. Still, they totally missed the point; and besides making their friend's life even more wretched by insisting that his guilt had caused his trouble, they angered God with their arrogant conclusions. Takeaway lesson for me: let God speak for himself. Where he expresses the motives and emotions in his heart, believe it. When he allows junk to happen without an accompanying explanation, be content to live with mystery and hold on tight to what he has said about his motives and emotions. "I love you," he says. "I have good plans for you. I want you to become like me. I will carry you." (There's more--so much more! It's all there in his book!)

So now we're celebrating that my CA 125 number has dropped to 185. The first time after surgery that it hit this point was in February 2006 on the way down. It began to climb in April, and last October it hit 185 again on the way up. Chuck made a line graph for me; it looks like mountain climbing. It's beautiful to be on the downward slope once again. We must continue to embrace mystery: Why? How long? etc. Thankfully, God holds us tightly and wherever we are on the journey, it's okay. Medical science says a reading of 35 or below is "normal." Research indicates that a remission in my kind of cancer typically lasts 5 months. We pray for healing, and we trust God for grace in whatever he allows.

Another cool quote from Holtz: "When your back is against the wall and you know you have only one chance to win or lose, your senses become keener and your performance elevates." He was writing, of course, about football. It works in ordinary life too.

Today our Nassau friend meets a surgeon to discuss options following yesterday's PET scan. We're asking God to give them wisdom and peace of mind.

Keener senses! Life is terminal for all of us, so our backs really are "against the wall" and we have only one chance at life. Let's pay attention today.

Love,
Carol

185.23

My CA 125 is down to 185.23 from the previous reading of 344. The numbers have been climbing ever since the low reading of 40 on April 24, 2006. This is the first time since then that we've seen a decline. Yes, it's only a number, but we're certainly thanking the Lord for this encouragement. Thanks so much for your prayers, and for celebrating with us.

"For since the world began, no ear has heard, and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4

Two Bahamian friends are having medical tests today: one a heart stress test, and the other a PET scan (in Florida) for what the doctor says is likely lung cancer. Both are in our constant prayers.

By the way, Charles Wesley, whose hymn I quoted in this morning's blog below, was born 300 years ago this year. Also, the book by Lou Holtz is titled Wins, Losses, and Lessons. Just in case you're interested.

W.I.N.

Way past my bedtime, I watched our president's "State of the Union" speech last night. As I waited for it, I skimmed the autobiography of Lou Holtz, legendary football coach. I like his strategy for winning, W.I.N., What's Important Now? It seems like habitually asking that question would prevent wasted time and opportunities, impulsive hurts, and later regrets.

I've never had a more painfree "stick" for blood than yesterday morning. When I get the CA 125 number sometime today, I'll go back into this blog and add it for those who are tracking it. If it goes down, What's Important Now is to thank God. If it goes up, what's important is to thank God. Really. He is so much bigger than numbers and labs and cancer.

I slept really well last night, and to my delight, whenever I did wake up, a terrific hymn by Charles Wesley was ringing in my head. I'll quote it here, old English words and all.

And can it be that I should gain an interest in my Savior's blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain? For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

He left His Father's throne above, So free, so infinite His grace.
Emptied Himself of all but love, And bled for Adam's helpless race.
'Tis mercy all, immense and free, For, O my God, it found out me.

Long my imprisoned spirit lay Fast bound in sin and nature's night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray; I woke, the dungeon flamed with light.
My chains fell off, my heart was free, I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

No condemnation now I dread; Jesus, and all in Him, is mine!
Alive in Hin, my living Head, And clothed in righteousness divine;
Bold I approach the eternal throne and claim the crown, through Christ, my own.

Amazing love! How can it be that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

I have no more to say.

Carol

Singing

Yesterday a colleague started humming as he poured his coffee in our office kitchen. It was beautiful. Reminded me of yesterday's reading in Joni Eareckson Tada's devotional, Pearls of Great Price, encouraging us to break out into song whenever we get a chance. She said that the Bible mentions only one time Jesus sang (although no doubt he sang very often without mention): the night before his crucifixion (Matthew 26:30). Paul also sang: at midnight, in a wretched jail, his back lashed bloody by the whips of his persecutors (Acts 16:25). There's a lovely line in an old hymn, "Come, thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing...." I'm asking God for that kind of "tune-up" this morning.

There's an interesting story back of my ownership of Joni's book. In November, when we invited our Michigan friends to meet us at a mall food court, one couple drove several hours to be there. They are now our friends, but we had never met them before that day; she was a reader of this blog. Chuck asked how they planned to recognize us, and she said, "Oh, I thought I'd look for a lady in a red hat." Sure enough, I had worn the same hat that's in my photo here. Even without it, they'd have had a hard time missing our large and chatty group. Anyway, she gave me Pearls. I suppose you all recognize Joni as the woman who at 17 suffered a diving accident that made her a quadriplegic. In the decades since, she has made a huge difference for handicapped people around the world and has taught big lessons to the rest of us.

I need to leave early this morning for my blood test. Sometime tomorrow I'll get the report. Whatever it is, by God's grace I'll try to continue to sing His praises, even in my kemo-cracked voice. God is daily doing a miracle of wellbeing for me.

Grandson Justin called last evening, safely back from a wonderful cross-cultural experience in Costa Rica. We're thankful. Grandson Jeremy (in Niger) made "photo of the week" at sim.org. Click on it to read more.

Love,
Carol

Kamikaze Servanthood

The Justice Project is led by Lisa, a persuasive visionary with beautiful ideas and huge courage. The planning meeting yesterday afternoon was electric. Thirty families in the selected neighborhood have already turned in cards marked with the kinds of help they need, and about 150 individuals (mostly from churches) are available at some level to help. Lisa calls it a "goodness movement." Isaiah 58 describes the DNA of the project. Verses 10-11: "Feed the hungry and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as day. The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring." Lisa is also the founder and director of Charlotte's 24-7 urban prayer room. Several months ago, grandson Jeremy and I spent a fantastic evening there. (www.charlotte24-7.com)

Another miracle day. I'm awake, alive, and feeling well. Limping due to deeply cracked skin on my heel. This is common with kemo, and I guess I've been careless about skin maintenance. Everything I'm "supposed" to do takes so much time, and I do get neglectful, but I'll try to be more careful.

Tomorrow I'll get a blood test to measure the tumor marker. Everyone says, "It's only a number." I say it myself. But I confess I'm very interested in the result, since humanly-medically speaking, it's the best predictor of where this is all heading. It was over 344 last time--not good. Some friends are praying for 50 this time. Faith! Up or down, God is still in total control, and I know that well.

Saturday's poem, "What God Has Promised," was by Annie Johnson Flint. Thanks to my uncle Reuben for that bit of research.

Love,
Carol

Compassion

Someone wrote with admiration that even as I’m engaged in my own struggle with cancer, I can think about the needs of others. That’s not exactly a marvel. The terrible truth is that until I experienced illness and suffering myself, I was almost totally empty of compassion for others. I know plenty of healthy people who are filled with compassion and empathy, and I admire them. But I was not. When I say that cancer has been good for me, I mean it in many ways, including morally. It has done me good. Yesterday’s reading in Streams in the Desert said it better than I can.

“Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unknown capacities for suffering and service. Lighthearted, frivolous people are always shallow and are never aware of their own meagerness or lack of depth. Sorrow is God’s tool to plow the depths of the soul, that it may yield richer harvests. …Many people…casually live on the outer edge of their own souls until great thunderstorms of sorrow reveal hidden depths within, which were never before known or suspected.”

Then there’s a poem by Maltbie D. Babcock:

The dark brown soil is turned
By the sharp-pointed plow;
And I’ve a lesson learned.

My life is but a field,
Stretched out beneath God’s sky;
Some harvest rich to yield.

Where grows the golden grain?
Where faith? Where sympathy?
In a furrow cut by pain.

So I don’t want any longer to “casually live on the outer edge of my soul.” I also don’t want to live even part of one day thinly, meagerly, unthinking. Life is too precious. People are too precious. And I'm still way too self-centered.

I’m so thankful to be alive, and to feel well enough to keep active and be with people. God is good, after all these unfeeling years, to begin to teach me compassion!

Blessings,
Carol

God's Promises

Last evening, as you know, several of us who face serious health issues got together for mutual encouragement. It was sweet. (I stayed up too late enjoying the glow, as I usually do after a party, which is why I'm so late for this date this morning. Great and restful sleep!)

One friend, who has battled a series of health crises all her life, shared this poem. Her pastor gave it to her during a hospitalization at the age of 17, and she says the truth of it has given her strength for everything she has faced since then.

God has not promised skies always blue,
flower strewn pathways all our lives through.
God has not promised sun without rain,
joy without sorrow,
peace without pain.
But God has promised strength for the day,
rest for the laborer,
light on the way,
grace for the trial,
help from above,
unfailing sympathy,
undying love. (author unknown)

I was mistaken about the friend with kidney failure. Her procedure yesterday was not to get her on the transplant list, but rather more routine. It appears the doctor's staff simply haven't yet sent the paperwork to the hospital to begin the scheduling for the work-up. So now I'm praying they'll "hop to it." (Makes me grateful for the wonderful staff at my oncologist's office, who seem so sensitive to the urgent concerns of the patients.)

Today will be a quiet day. I am feeling well. Tomorrow afternoon, unless the threatened ice storm closes the roads, I plan to go to an organizational meeting for the Justice Project, an outreach to a fragile Charlotte neighborhood. Then it kicks off the following Sunday. Several churches and groups are cooperating on this.

Daughter Karin reports that the pain in her eye has diminished a great deal, and the resulting headaches have almost vanished. Thanks for praying.

Have a blessed weekend.

Carol

Hearts Are Mended

This will be the final Nassau photo. It’s one twig on two large shrubs called adenium (sp?) that frame the view from my sister’s breakfast bay window.

In the presence of Jehovah, God Almighty, Prince of Peace,
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended,
In the presence of the King.

That’s a song on one of two CDs my sister gave me as we left Nassau. I listened to them non-stop Wednesday afternoon as I rested following kemo. The song goes on to say, “So there is never any reason to give up in despair / Just look away and breathe his name / He will come and meet you there.”

Our Nassau friend with two masses on his lung (seated left in photo below) proved the truth of those words. As you know, he tried unsuccessfully on Friday to get through to Cleveland Clinic. He waited through the weekend. When on Monday he was again unable to reach past voice mail, frustration mounted. Then, he told me, he got quiet and spent some time with the Lord. He sensed God saying, “I’ve got it all under control. You can trust me.” When we arrived at their home for dinner, he was obviously at peace.

On Tuesday he learned that Clinic staff had tried several times to return his calls but found the circuits busy. He is now scheduled for a Pet scan on January 24, and will meet the surgeon on the 25th. Surgery is tentatively set for Monday the 29th. Lots to pray for!

Yesterday, like last week on day 2, my cheeks were flushed and my face felt hot. But that was all. No sickness, no extreme fatigue. I enjoyed a good day at work. The Lord keeps answering prayers, day by day. I’m so thankful.

This evening several friends are coming for a simple supper. One person in each couple is facing serious health issues, and it will be our privilege to encourage one another.

A good chuckle came in yesterday’s email. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old tattooed ladies running around? (If you wear a tattoo, please forgive me. I'm not laughing at you.)

Blessings,

Carol

Blessings

For those who asked about the beaches in Nassau, here are a couple of people that we found enjoying a bit of the beauty of God’s creation. Sun, surf, sand and fantastic turquoise water. You may have seen these people. They seem to get around a bit.

Carol’s chemo went well yesterday, but for some reason both of us spent a good number of wakeful hours last night. I assume that it was the chemo, but can I (Chuck) also use that excuse? Could it be that I was sitting too close to the infusion line during the procedure? I’m not sure that I can actually sell that reasoning, but it sounds good.

A little sleet on the ground and in the air has convinced me to cancel my early morning run for donated bread for the mission. It is doubtful that I can go back to sleep after a couple cups of coffee and watching the early morning weather report, so I will do a blog for Carol so that she can get a little more shut-eye.

This year I have started The Daily Message (Eugene Peterson), and have been enjoying his translation. Reading about men of faith in Genesis, I was again impressed with the faith of Noah. It is difficult for me to get a handle on building a boat some 450 feet long with three decks, on dry land, in view of my neighbors and friends, preparing for a flood that had not been forecast by the media. Noah was not known as a crackpot, bur rather “…a good man, a man of integrity in his community. Noah walked with God.” Isn’t that what we all strive for? Then his sons are named but with no comment about their integrity or walk with God. It is interesting to note that God told Noah to take his wife along with his sons and their wives on board with him. While ultimately they will determine their own destiny, it appears that possibly God brought them aboard on Noah’s “coat tail.” As I reflected on that, I was reminded of the importance of our walk with God and the importance of our prayerful activity for our family and friends. Could it be that those wakeful hours during the night are simply opportunities to pray for family and friends? Okay Lord, thanks for those special hours upholding others in prayer!

We are so thankful for the many answers to prayer. Last evening we had a call from our son-in-law, Jeff, telling us about the exciting new job which he just accepted. God is good!

I trust that each of us will keep our eyes and ears open to enjoy the blessings of God today. And as we are so richly blessed, in turn be a blessing to others.

Our friend with kidney failure is having the tests tomorrow morning that will place her on the kidney replacement list. We pray she won't suffer effects from the tests, and that once on the list a donor will be found soon.

Chuck…and Carol too

Fully Alive

Donny, top right, is having a stress test next week for his heart. He's one of the precious Nassau friends for whom we're praying. His wife is in that prayer group I attended on Monday.



The photo below reminds us that now we're not in Nassau anymore. It was taken on one of our morning walks. What a beautiful place. My brother-in-law, in blue below, had been told his thyroid appeared cancerous. Right after dropping us at the airport, he went for a second opinion and got really good news. The doctor said he felt there was no suspicion of cancer. We prayed so much! God is good.

Our flight was smooth and our arrival early. We both went to our offices for awhile, since we'll be out for kemo this morning.

Streams in the Desert this morning reminds me that God is the living God! "We forget that he is now exactly what he was three or four thousand years ago, that he has the same sovereign power, and that he extends the same gracious love toward those who love and serve him. We overlook the fact that he will do for us now what he did thousands of years ago for others simply because he is the unchanging, living God. What a great reason to confide in him, and in our darkest moments to never lose sight of the fact tht he is still, and ever will be, the living God."

Since I'm just now reading in Genesis, the quote above sends my mind immediately to Joseph, and God's faithfulness to him. Joseph was able to say to his brothers who had done unspeakably awful things to him, "You intended it for evil, but God intended it for good." We can say the same thing to cancer, or heart disease, or conflict, or any threat. God, who is always the same and is infinite in power, plans good--not evil--for us, even as we walk through our trouble.

Thanks so much for your prayers. Next week I'll get another CA 125 test. God is infinitely able to drive those cancer cells down.

Love,

Carol

Heading Home

What a beautiful time we've had! Nassau's reputation for beauty and hospitality is well-deserved.

And what precious friends! As I mentioned a few days ago, several of them are facing serious health crises, and we're praying that God will give them the right interventions.


Yesterday afternoon I got to participate in a women's prayer group that my sister is part of. Six beautiful, faith-filled believers who include me in their prayers every week. Last evening we had dinner in the home of the friends where the husband is waiting for an appointment to get a biopsy on the lung mass just discovered. I learned an important lesson. Their adorable miniature poodle, CiCi, was cuddled next to me on the couch, seemingly asleep, when suddenly she leaped to the floor and pranced to the front door. A minute later the daughter of the house came in from work. That dog's ears were so tuned to the motor-sound of her car that she knew she was coming long before the rest of us heard a sound. I would like to have my heart so tuned to the voice of my Lord!

Could you lift up a prayer for our daughter Karin? Her right eye has become very painful, and the doctor calls it a pseudo-tumor. She is allergic to most of the medications that would help, and we're asking the Lord to clear it up.

One more walk, and one more breakfast, and we'll be on our way to the airport. My sister and her husband have devoted themselves to making our time here wonderful, and we're grateful.

Love,
Carol

Beautiful People

For about 25 years, our family has had fun repeating the exaggerated Bahamiam accent we heard on a radio commercial in Nassau for Carnation brand milk. "Cah-nation! Da's muh brahnd." Yesterday at lunch, Viveca, the actress who made that commercial (and many since), was at the table next to ours. To our delight, she's a celebrity who's gracious to her fans, so we got hugs and a nice chat. She now hosts the morning show on MORE94FM.com. As soon as I finish here, I plan to tune in.

A few hours later, we were driving along the eastern shore of the island, looking at the beautiful flowers (I'll show them tomorrow), and wishing we'd made plans to see Davidson--a dear friend we first met in the early 60s when he did his Ph.D. at Michigan State University. He sang in the choir I directed, and we loved him and invited him to our home several times ("Hundreds," he says. I wish!) As we were passing his house, suddenly he stepped out of his door! We stopped, of course, and enjoyed a refreshing visit with him and his beautiful wife (on left below). A few years after he was in Michigan, my mother and father went to his birthplace island, Cat Island, to conduct children's Bible classes in the schools, and my mom and his mom became good friends. Davidson has apparently beat cancer, and we're thanking God for that. That's my sister in the long floral skirt.

I notice that almost every conversation these days turns to someone's cancer. And when the next sentence refers to their death, there's an instant of shock as the speaker wonders if it's okay to say that word to someone who is living with cancer. (As if we wouldn't otherwise think of it?) Anyway, I want to say, Yes, it's okay. Death isn't the worst thing that can happen, nor is it dangerous to think about. It's powerfully instructive to live life with the consciousness of death. Last week someone sent me an email that said: Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of never starting to live.

In the largest sense, the life we should fear missing is the forever life God made us for. I tell you this from the depths of my soul. My life--as much as I love it--would be useless and hopeless if not for the fact that my forever life with God is assured through Jesus' death on the cross for my sins.

More walking, more sunshine, and more friends are in the plans for today.

Love,
Carol

Thriving in Turmoil

Yesterday I read in Streams in the Desert about the organisms responsible for the amazing coral reefs, which are found here in the Bahamas and notably in the South Pacific. The author said that sailors used to believe the organisms needed the reefs in order to thrive in the protected quiet waters on the shoreward side. But scientists have learned that they actually live and thrive on the ocean side, in the "highly oxygenated foam of the combative waves." Like almost everyone else, I have always preferred a protected and easy life, and I have certainly prayed for that for those I love. "Yet," Streams author says, "the lives of all the noblest and strongest people prove exactly the opposite and that the endurance of hardship is the making of the person."

I thank God for that truth. My sister's friends here have become our friends through our many visits, and we'll see three couples during our short stay. One dear guy learned on Friday that he has a mass in his lung, and he's hoping for an appointment at Cleveland Clinic in the next few days; the doctor thinks it's likely cancer. Another of the three men is experiencing heart distress and is scheduled for a stress test next week. And the third was diagnosed a few weeks ago with the early stages of Alzheimers. We love these people, and we're stunned and sad about their struggles. God loves them too. His plans for them are always good, and we're trusting him for their courage, peace, and healing.

Our flight yesterday was smooth, and the rest of our day was pleasant and restful. The ocean water here is still that incredible brilliant turquoise color. In a few minutes we'll go out for a walk before getting ready for church.

Blessings,
Carol

Gems and Treasures

We’re off to the airport soon to fly to Nassau for 4 days with my sister and her husband. We’ll probably be able to get online there so we can keep up the blog.

I felt wonderful all day yesterday. People shake their heads in amazement, knowing what the lab says about my cancer. I’m amazed too—by God’s wonderful kindness and by the impact of your prayers.

My cousin wrote to me about precious gems awhile ago, and yesterday I was thinking more about her thoughts on diamonds and pearls. Diamonds were formed in the past by extreme pressure on carbon forms. Now they are found on and in the ground, sometimes embedded in rock. They all need shaping and cutting. Pearls, on the other hand, are formed in the soft tissue of oysters, as they secrete fluids to encase irritants that manage to get inside their shell. “Is it possible,” she asked, “that the trauma of being ‘de-oystered’ is as hard on the pearl as being cut out of the rock is for the diamond? And further, what if you tried to shape a diamond by layers of secretions? Nothing! Or what if you tried to cut and shape a pearl with a diamond cutter’s methods? A little pile of pearl dust!”

Yet each finished gem, whether diamond or pearl, is precious in its own way. In several places in the Bible, God calls us his precious jewels or treasures. Randi suggests that the authenticity of our “gem-ness” is shown by our love. Do we love God, even when we don’t understand what he’s doing, when faith is difficult? Yes! Do we love people even when they’re unlovable? That’s the idea. The preciousness of the gem is related to the pressure and the irritant. The gem-maker knows what he’s doing.

Our friend with kidney failure has been placed on two transplant lists, and we’re praying for a miracle. The doctor says she’ll need to go on dialysis in a month. God knows all about this need, and he is able to help. We Fully Rely On God.

Update on grandson Jeremy in Niger: he is traveling today to Galmi, an eight-hour trip, for a three-day visit at SIM’s historic and life-saving hospital there. It will be a great experience for him. In case you’ve forgotten, his blog is jeremyinafrica.blogspot.com.

Blessings,
Carol

GOOD Morning

Here we were in 1976, rafting for seven days through the Grand Canyon. This photo was definitely not taken at Lava Falls. (We rode "point" for the milder rapids, but got no pictures of wild rides because our camera wasn't waterproof.)

I slept nearly 10 hours last night, and this morning I feel wonderful. No trace of "taxol flu." I am so thankful. Yesterday I worked a full day, and I think I finished the articles I needed to write for the next SIM magazine. (A couple of articles are being written by other people this time.) Today I'll organize the stacks of research so it's all there if needed in the future.

Tomorrow morning we're flying to Nassau to spend four days with my sister and her husband. Over the years, many of their friends have become ours as well, so we're looking forward to some great fun and fellowship.

A friend sent some good rules for 2007; they all use the word "up." I thought they contained good advice, so I'll pass them along here.

1. Wake Up. Decide to have a good day. Psalm 118:24

2. Dress Up. The best way to dress up is with a smile that reflects your soul. 1 Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up. Learn to listen. Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up... for what you believe in. Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up...to the Lord. Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up...for something higher. Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up...your prayers. Philippians 4:6

Thanks so much for your interest, care and prayers.

Love,

Carol

Grateful

I was relieved when Chuck offered to write a blog posting yesterday. I was sort of flopping on the ground. Several months ago our Sunday School teacher and his wife brought a gift, Cry of the Heart: Psalms of Lament. “You don’t appear to need this now,” Tom said, “but someday you will.” Right! Yesterday I was resonating to Psalms of Lament. To use Chuck’s metaphor from yesterday morning, it was the still darkness beneath the turbulence of Lava Falls. Rather terrible. (Today I'm going to try to scan a slide from that trip--from a more peaceful day. If I'm successful, I'll upload it here tomorrow morning.)

Kemo went fine, and I didn’t feel nearly as whipped as I had last week. Still, I chose to spend the afternoon resting, listening, and reading. In the weekend article in indeed (the devotional provided by our Sunday School class), I read the old story about Satan’s Garage Sale. The most beat-up tool was marked at the highest price. “That’s discouragement,” Satan explained. “It’s more useful to me than all the other tools put together. I use it on almost everyone. And the best part is that they rarely know it’s me!”

Author Chip Ingram went on to debunk two myths. The first is that our situation will always be the way it is now. “Discouragement interprets the past and present as an unbreakable pattern, which leads to more discouragement.” (Has anyone heard me say, “They haven’t found any breakthroughs for ovarian cancer. I’m not even sure they’re working very hard on it”?)

Myth number two is that when we change our behavior, we expect things to start improving almost immediately. “Most of us,” writes Ingram, “feel that if we’ve made the right changes, we ought to see the right consequences happen pretty soon.” (I’ve been in continuous chemo-therapy since a year ago today. I’m taking highly recommended supplements. Above all, so many wonderful friends are praying for my healing. Shouldn’t those tumor marker numbers be coming down?) The actual truth is that I have received thousands of answers to prayer, millions of seconds of high quality of life (in every sense—not necessarily physical), daily gifts of grace, outpouring of love from friends and family. And I’ve been blessed by inclusion in the “fellowship of suffering,” led by Jesus and populated by so many incredibly brave and good people.

I'm working to make a habit of reading/reciting out loud some faith-building Bible verses and prayers each time I take pills, three or four times a day. It's a wonderful idea, and I'm grateful to the friend who sent me that little booklet where I read about it.

As I was lying awake this morning, the thought occurred to me that I'd like to connect with a local support group for ovarian cancer. (There's lots of support for the more common cancers, which have much higher cure rates.) Any ideas?

I want to thank all those who prayed specifically about the kemo yesterday. God answered. I'm feeling much better than last week.

Gratefully,
Carol

HE lifts us up

Chuck filling in here this morning.

Every now and then Carol or I do not sleep too well, but usually the other one continues to saw wood all night. Those wakeful hours are wonderful for meditating and praying for our family and friends, but produce some droopy eyes from time to time during the next day. Last night we both had one of those nights. Plenty of time to talk, pray and meditate.

As many memories swept through my mind along with portions of Scripture, I "got stuck" on God's goodness and mercy, and somehow thinking about that, was drawn to an experience many years ago when Carol and I went on a raft trip on the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon.

Our raft hit a huge boulder as we were about to go over Lava Falls (rated 10 on a scale of 1-10) and we tossed and flipped over and over, when suddenly it was totally still. I opened my eyes in total blackness and for a moment panic set in. I could not tell which way to swim to the surface! Within a couple of moments I felt the life preserver lifting me and soon could see light above. If you want to hear more about the trip, just let us know, but that is enough for now.

How like life that is, isn't it? We sail along over smooth waters and tend not to think about our "life preserver." We hit some heavy turbulence and still fail to trust...certain we can handle it ourselves...and when it is the darkest, we finally realize that we are being lifted up. Several times during the night, I cracked open an eye to get a peek at our smiling frogs, reminding myself to FROG...Fully Rely On God!

This morning we go in for Carol's 19th chemo treatment. This is the second in a new series of chemo which she has every week now. It is impossible for me to describe the pain that I feel watching the "juice" drip into her veins over a period of several hours. But all the time Carol is smiling, encouraging other patients and even the nurses. Today we are taking a CD to one of the nurses who has a niece that has indicated an interest in missions, and Carol wants her to take it to her to present an opportunity that may interest her.

Last night I thanked God for all of you in general, and for many of you specifically that have shared numerous challenges with us, that you are facing. We are so thankful for your prayers and support as we pass through some turbulent times. We don't know about the future, but rejoice in the fact the Jesus is walking with us through it all and we are thankful for His goodness and mercy.

Have a blessed day!

Chuck...and Carol too

I Didn't Think It Would Be this Long

A year ago, setting out on this kemo adventure, I carefully avoided making demands or expressing expectations. But now I realize that I didn't think it would be this long. I thought God would grant me a remission in four or five months, and beyond that I didn't even think. Now that it hasn't happened, I realize clearly that I did have expectations. And it's just plain getting old, isn't it? I am amazed that you're still with me! I really do believe that every day is a miracle, an answer to our prayers, and that God is as able now as he was a year ago to completely heal me or to grant a remission. But still, it's getting long. Last evening I made the mistake of reading a magazine, "Cure: Cancer Updates, Research & Education," that had come in the mail. Cancer articles never even mention ovarian cancer, and reading about other cures is not personally encouraging. So here we are!

As I gulped my handful of pills this morning, I read aloud three faith-building Bible verses. The best thing I can do right now is quote them here:

Psalm 91:9-11
If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling.

Psalm 6:4,5
Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave?

Psalm 91:14-16
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation."

It seems timely that Sunday's reading in 31 Days of Praise was centered on the Bible--praising God for recording some of his thoughts and making them available to us. It's time to say again that God's Word is our ultimate source of truth, and it's wonderful.

Our friend with kidney failure didn't get good news yesterday; the doctor found no blockage, which could have been remedied. Now, it appears, she will need to get into dialysis quickly, and get her name on the transplant list. It will take many people to pick up the deeds of mercy that she was doing, as most likely she won't have time or energy to continue as she was. Please pray for her.

Thanks for your enduring interest and prayers.

Love,
Carol

Drifting

I can't remember when anything like this has happened before. The dream I described yesterday (about drifting into the Exit lane on the highway and unintentionally changing direction) set me up as a willing target for the pastor's message about "missional drift." He was talking about church, specifically why huge majorities of 20s and 30s see church as irrelevant or negative. "When the church," he said, "is living out its calling to embody the life and way of Jesus, it's in missional health, and there's nothing more powerful on earth." The anchors for missional health that he talked about are, I think, equally applicable to individual Christ-followers.
1. Relationships ("Friendship," said CS Lewis, "has no survival value. Rather, it is one of those things that give value to survival.")
2. Serving (I'm signing on to the Justice Project, to serve the poor and marginalized in one of Charlotte's fragile neighborhoods--nothing heroic, but it's a calling!)
3. Replication (ours should be a viral Gospel, but I think the many times I've drifted missionally in my long life I've hurt people and caused my faith to look highly unattractive)
4. Spiritual conversations (we need to verbally process our struggles and "mess")

Okay, I get the message. Don't drift. Pray for me.

Yesterday was a fairly full day, yet I feel well this morning. A good friend, one whose life is always literally poured out to help others, is at this moment undergoing a procedure hoping to find a blockage to explain her almost total kidney failure. That would be the "easy" solution. If no blockage, her other options are daunting. We're certainly praying for her.

Blessings,
Carol

Watch Your Lane

I had a short but sobering dream last night. I was driving on a highway, letting my mind wander, and drifting into the right-hand lane. Suddenly I was too surrounded by other vehicles to safely switch lanes, and my lane was labeled Exit Only. So against my will, I had to leave the direction I'd meant to go and I found myself speeding along towards a destination I didn't know and didn't want. I woke up then, and realized that in real highway life, all I'd lost was time. That sort of drifting can always be corrected by turning around and regaining one's direction. But I lay there awhile thinking how the dream applies to life, where drifting onto an "off" ramp isn't always so easy to correct. We intend to nurture our most precious relationships. We mean to walk closely with God and grow in spiritual understanding. We want to maintain healthy habits. But our mind wanders, we let self-indulgence creep in, and to our horror we discover that we've drifted into a lane that is taking us in a direction we had no intention of going. I took the dream as a call to watchfulness and daily renewal.

I'm feeling quite well this morning and looking forward to learning and worshiping with fellow Christians today.

More than three years ago, I hired the Relevant Design Group to do the layout for the SIM magazine. This group publishes Relevant magazine, which is for 20-somethings, and I wanted our magazine to be appealing to young readers. Even though I can scarcely remember being in my 20s (and I don't like who I was then), I still read every word of their magazine and I love it. May I share a paragraph from page 71 of "A New Year Manifesto" in their January-February issue?

"You have a choice. When opportunity roars in this new year, you have a choice to make: run away or grab life by the tail. Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and the last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. And remember: if God is for us, who can be against us?" (It was written by Mark Batterson, pastor of National Community Church in Washington DC. Wouldn't it be great to visit his church sometime?)

Today is a precious day. May we use it to celebrate and worship "what's right with God"--which is everything!

Love,
Carol

Love So Deep

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure,
That he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss, the Father turns his face away,
As wounds which mar the Chosen One bring many sons to glory.

I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom;
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer,
But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom.

This beautiful song by Stuart Townend rang in my mind each time I woke up during the night. Amazingly comforting!

Yesterday was amazing too, on a different level. No "taxol flu." I worked all day, got a lot done, and felt well into the evening. How can I thank you for your prayers? And how can I thank God for his goodness?

A "late" Christmas letter came yesterday from a dear younger pastor friend. No! No! No! my heart shouted, as we learned that he's preparing for cancer surgery. There's just too much of that, it seems. But I also have good news. My second cousin's husband, who has been battling cancer most of the year, is now cancer-free. And she reports that her painful leg sores, which had drained copiously for four months, have dried up and feel better. That's a wonderful answer to prayer.

Have a blessed weekend.

Carol

Christmas Card Adventure

I mentioned the idea I'd got from others to keep Christmas cards in a basket at the dinner table and each day draw one out as a sweet reminder to pray for the sender(s). The first card we drew was from Chuck and Pearl, who this year complete 50 years of serving the Lord in SIM. They are remarkable people, who through the years have willingly moved many times as needed in finance offices around the SIM world. They now make their home here, but they still travel a lot to help with auditing. They have shown much hospitality to us, as well as friendship, encouragement and prayer support. I wish you could all know them! The card was lovely too: Aslan, the great Christ-figure lion from Narnia, standing guard over the Babe in the manger.

Yesterday's plans didn't quite work out. By the time I was ready to leave for work, I realized I was running a temperature, and my face was so flushed it looked like I'd been lying on a Nassau beach all day. So I rested for several hours, and finally went to the office at 2:00. Today is the day the doctor predicted a case of "taxol flu," but so far I feel very well and will plan not to participate in that, God willing. I discovered that I hadn't made nearly as much progress in writing the next issue of the magazine as I'd wishfully thought, so I really need lots of healthy time for that.

I have my faith-building biblical affirmations typed on cards so I can read them aloud several times a day. Here's one from this morning: "I will not die, but live to tell what the Lord has done" (Psalm 118:17). Love it!

Blessings,
Carol

Catching Up

Last week I uploaded this photo, but it didn't work. It's from our family outing at Pottery Bayou. This is Chuck painting a frog for me. The beautiful young woman is Justin's friend Laura. I'm putting it up again for those of you who wrote to say you were disappointed that it didn't work.

Thursday's regular posting will be below this one. I'm sorry to say that by the time I was ready to leave for work this morning I was running a temperature and spent several more hours resting. Finally got to work at 2 pm. Lots to do. I hope the "promised" taxol flu for day 3 fails to materialize.

Carol

When Faith Meets Fear

"When faith meets fear, courage is born. I used to believe that having faith meant not being afraid . . . but now I realize that the goal of faith is to conquer fear. If I refuse to feel afraid then I don't cry out to God for help. But when I admit my fear to God, I find my faith again . . . courage that comes from resting in my Father's arms. He scooped me up and I felt safe again. I have felt a calming peace resting in my Father's arms." (by Sara Salloum)

Sara is a bright young seminary student whom I was mentoring when she was diagnosed with cancer 2+ years ago. By e-mails to her friends, she passed on many important lessons she learned through her experience. The quote above was transformed into art by one of her friends, and now graces a card which I received from Sara yesterday. (She had to find a new mentor last year when my own cancer made me unavailable for weeks at a time.)

The oncologist switched my treatment to taxol. It's related to the kemo I first received starting a year ago. It could act the same way, causing what they call "taxol flu" beginning on the third day. This time I'm getting a lower dose once a week. Because it carries more threat of allergic reaction, they precede it with a superdose of benadryl. It slammed me asleep as expected, and even after we returned home I slept the rest of the afternoon. But I woke up in time to prepare dinner and enjoyed a normal evening. Today I'll go to the office.

Two weeks' saved mail came with the post office truck yesterday afternoon. What a beautiful time I had opening the many Christmas letters and cards. Friends are so precious! Have I said that before? From time to time I've heard of people who keep Christmas cards in a basket at their dinner table. Each day they look at one card or letter and pray for the sender(s) as they give thanks for the meal. We're going to try that this year. (We aren't as disciplined as many of you are. I hope we can follow through.)

Earlier this week I heard about two individuals who had been battling cancer and then died unexpectedly from "other" causes--probably chemo damage. I asked the doctor if my liver, heart, lungs, or other organs might be silently incurring irreversible damage. He smiled and said, "Not a chance. That's why we run all these blood tests before every treatment, so we'll have an early warning. Your numbers are always perfect." He is well aware of my amazing prayer team, and I think he wishes all his patients were so blessed.

Thank you so much for hanging in there with us as we move into the second year of this journey. I don't think you can begin to imagine how important you are. Yesterday morning when Chuck called from the office to tell me about another significant rise in the CA 125 tumor marker, I felt sad and afraid, naturally. I turned it over to God, and my next thought was this: "We aren't carrying this burden alone. Think of all those dear friends who are checking the blog today to see how to pray!" I do think of you, and I thank God for you.

By the way, the taxol might remove the wispy hair that's been trying to grow out for the past half year. Prepare for another year of wigs and hats.

Love,
Carol

Full Moon (and CA 125)

A luminous full moon was rising in the still-day sky as I set out eastward after 5:00 pm yesterday for my daily walk. Oh! It was brilliant! I thought of a GK Chesterton quote: "It is possible that God says . . . every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon." He was speaking of the endless capacity small children have for repetition, begging over and over, "Do it again." Grown-ups, he said, are too weak to exult in monotony, but God is not. "It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but he has never got tired of making them. It may be that he has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we are." Wouldn't it be grand to regain the ability of the very young to exult in repeated "ordinary" small delights? I think, next birthday, I'll turn 68 rather than 70! Or maybe 8.

The CA 125 report just received shows a count of 344 (up from 290 two and a half weeks ago). It's only a number, of course, but it has a significant feeling, and it will influence the doctor's plans. Our appointment with the oncologist is 10:15 this morning. We're grateful for your prayers for guidance for us all.

Remember my intention to speak faith-building words from the Bible several times a day? Here's one for today. Hebrews 10:35,36:

"Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you. Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."

There are many competing faith systems in the world, but no other faith is built on such a wonderful God. He is my choice for today and every day.

Love and thanks,
Carol

P.S. Linda near Grand Rapids, I'd love to write back to you. Can you ask a mutual friend to send me your e-mail address? Blogger comments don't allow for replies.

Am I Safe?

Yesterday I kept wishing I could remember that poem I'd referred to, so I did the right thing and searched Google. Even the one line I quoted was incorrect. You'll see that it says "safer than a known way," rather than "better."

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year,
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'
And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to you
better than light
and safer than a known way!'
So I went forth
and finding the Hand of God,
trod gladly into the night.
M. Louise Haskins (1875-1957)

So early this morning, I was thinking about that word "safe." (I did more internet research yesterday on my kind of cancer, in preparation for the consultation with the oncologist tomorrow. As usual, it left me feeling anything but safe!) My mind went to Narnia, where the little girl asked anxiously about Aslan, the Christ-figure, "But is he safe?" To which the answer came: "Safe? 'Course he's not safe! He's a lion, I tell you. But he's good." Good! With a good God's hand in mine, it really is better than light, and safer than a known way.

My Christmas gift to myself this year was a new one-year Bible, this one chronological. I've never before read through the Bible in order as events occurred, and I'm looking forward to this. Will I be well enough all year to follow through? I'll admit the question enters my mind, but I'm well enough right now to start, so I did yesterday.

My blood test is first thing this morning, after which I'll go to the office. The final layout design of the SIM magazine is there waiting for me to upload to the internet for use by SIM offices around the world. That's always a pleasure and a privilege. There will also be several hundred spam emails that evaded our server's spam filter during the past two weeks. (Deleting them is not a pleasure.)

I know that many of you dear prayer helpers are facing unknowns of your own. I pray that God's hand will be for you better than light, and safer than a known way.

Love,
Carol

Joyful New Year

January 1! I'm trying to remember the poem about standing at the start of an unknown road. A Voice says, "Put your hand in the hand of One who knows all, and it will be better for you than a known way." I know that is true. The year ahead holds a full load of hopes and fears. What it really holds is 365 days--each one a gift of grace held out to us by the loving hand of the One who knows the way and loves us intensely. I can go there, holding his hand.

I slept 11 hours last night and still feel sleepy. I'm glad it's a holiday. Other than tired, I'm still quite well. We encountered so many "bugs" during the past two weeks, and we feel blessed to not be sick. We're thankful for our safe trip home yesterday.

Tomorrow morning is the CA 125 test, and Wednesday I'll see the oncologist for a scheduled kemo. Please help me pray for guidance. I'm aware of the cumulative (usually permanent) damage so much kemo can cause. I'm also mildly aware of the prospects of my type of cancer. What I don't know at this point is what God intends to do. If I should be asking more questions, please pray I'll have wisdom and courage to do so.

I'm so grateful for your love, care and prayers. I pray that God will bless all your days in the new year.

Love,
Carol