Waking up tired

It seems that the one enduring effect of these pills is fatigue. Other things come and go, but tiredness is constant. One more week, and then I get a 2-week break. It will be welcome.

We're planning to travel north tomorrow to spend some time with the family. Travel is not difficult for me (Chuck insists on doing all the driving), and we don't have a lot scheduled for our time there. I'll take some of my office work along, as I can do it there as well as here. On Sunday afternoon there's a shower for bride and groom Laura and Justin.

My second cousin and lifelong friend is almost bedridden with several medical problems. Her husband, who has cared for her so lovingly, has now been diagnosed with bone cancer. How will they survive? Please lift up a prayer for them. Also, our nurse friend in Florida is having surgery today for a grapefruit-sized tumor. Her surgeon is positive it's only fibroid, and that's surely what we're praying for. She wants to return to West Africa at the end of the summer.

This morning I read some sobering words by Jesus in the closing verses of Matthew 16: "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" That helps put daily life, with its challenges, into true perspective.

Love,
Carol

Today makes one week

This is day 7 of my first week on Hexalen. I'm happy to say I haven't missed a dose. Every day has brought its challenge, but only one at a time. I'm thankful. I'm coughing more, and it reminds me of the cough I had for months before the cancer was diagnosed. That was caused by fluid from the cancer that accumulated in the lung cavity. I'm praying this is something less menacing.

I have a fun challenge at work: writing a newsletter to keep a broad range of constituents informed about a significant development in one of our SIM regions. In the process, I'm learning a new software layout program. I've heard that learning new software is almost as good as doing crossword puzzles to preserve one's mind. Wouldn't that be nice!

I'm getting pretty tired of all the negative talk in our media. Reminds me of a statement by Theodore Roosevelt: "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the [person] who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

Whatever else we may be, let us not be cold and timid souls!

Love,
Carol

Comfort

Having friends here Saturday night and Sunday was pure pleasure. The wife is a cancer survivor, four years "clean," and while cancer was not at all the main topic of our conversation, I found her presence and her comments very comforting. That reminds me of God's promise in 2 Corinthians 1: He "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

I'm afraid I was pretty weird. For most of Sunday, I felt "out of it," ready to drop off to sleep without notice, constantly squinting or wearing sun glasses because the light hurt my eyes. By evening, when I started to feel a bit normal, I wondered what I'd missed during the day. The Sunday school lesson was wonderful, I know, but even there I don't think I was very focused. I'd like to not have many more days like that! I'm thankful, though, that the digestive difficulties of Saturday didn't recur.

In the small print, I discovered that vitamin B6 interferes with Hexalen (chemo). I was getting that vitamin both in my multi and in a special Super B complex I have taken all along to reduce neuropathy. So I discontinued both; now praying that I can eat the right foods and that God will protect my nerve endings from further damage by the chemo.

Our friend who had heart surgery didn't feel well enough to have company. I hope he'll be out dancing soon.

Have a great day.

Carol

What we DO with adversity

Yesterday was a funny day. It seemed that I "had to" lie down and rest after every task that I did. Also, I was fighting a cranky digestive system all day. I feel much better this morning, as I did on Friday. I hope today is going to be a good day.

Teacher Tom again sent a "teaser" for this morning's class. The subject is Joseph, from Genesis 40 and 41. Joseph, through no fault of his own, was sold as a slave to Egypt, then imprisoned by his owner. Years passed with no relief. Tom writes: "I'm not sure God has promised that He will always remove burdens, fix difficult people in our lives, end hard times, smooth rough spots, make things better, ease the effort, or bring about a resolution to every enduring struggle. . . . He often seems as interested in what we do with our adversity as He is in simply putting an end to it." That is a great lesson to learn.

Dear friends from Illinois stayed with us last night, at our insistence. What encouragement they bring! She prepared dinner, and they were gracious about an early "good night" for me. They have to leave this afternoon; meanwhile we're thankful for more precious time with them.

Love,
Carol

Another good day

I'm so thankful for your prayers, and so grateful to God for His gracious help. Yesterday I didn't feel "yucky" at all, and this morning again I feel well. I do get tired more easily, and I assume it's wise to rest when I feel like it. (Isn't it funny: when we don't have cancer, we feel it's the right thing to do to work on through fatigue to total exhaustion, when maybe the body's call for rest is just as valid in the absence of cancer.)

We went for a walk in the neighborhood last evening. The weather was perfect, and we took the opportunity to stop and chat with many wonderful friends who were walking or working in their yards. I confess I also took advantage of three strategically placed benches.

Oh, spring is beautiful!

Have a great day.

Carol

Pills . . . Schmills

Turns out that Hexalen pills aren't "like another vitamin," as I naively thought. I feel really good this morning, but yesterday I wiped out by 3:00. I just need to learn to pace myself. I did get dinner made for Chuck, but left the dishes until this morning.

We have a leadership seminar going on at SIM. Every year they bring rising leaders together for a couple of weeks of exposure to how things work. Perhaps the best outcome is the relationships that are formed. In football they talk about "the bench"--the players who show promise. These leadership seminars have been going on for many years, and I think they've played a strong role in identifying the leaders who show promise. With teams in almost 50 countries, we need lots of good leaders at many levels--and we have them. It's a privilege to interact with these fun, humble, and gifted people while they're here.

Thanks so much for your prayers. I haven't missed a dose yet. It looks like I'll be struggling with digestive issues again, so the things I learned in my research a couple of weeks ago will come in handy after all.

Blessings,
Carol

Incurable optimist

How much harm can pills do? I asked. Even 500 mgs a day of Hexalen pills? Well, let's just say they're not like a multi-vitamin. They're also not like Cisplatin, so I'm very grateful. But I think I'll be resting more than last week, and also paying attention to my digestion after all. And of course we keep praying that they'll bombard and conquer the cancer cells.

Our friend who had heart surgery Tuesday is recovering on schedule. He's only a couple of hours from us, so we'll try to see him this weekend.

A friend in South America sent me a bookmark with Psalm 94:19 in Spanish. My use of that language has gotten very rusty, so I decided to memorize the verse as a help in sleepless moments. It came in handy last night. In English it blandly says, "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." In Spanish, "doubts" is translated "preoccupaciones"--more graphic, I think. "Comfort" and "cheer" are "consuelo" and "alegria" in Spanish. You can almost feel the consolation in "consuelo," and "alegria" is such a musical sound you can't help feeling the joy.

Have a great day,
Carol

Not scared

Last time I blogged about feelings, I said I felt scared. That didn't last long. It's not that anything changed; the unspecified fears just went away. My friend, who is a counselor, says there are four basic emotions: mad, glad, sad, and afraid. I haven't yet felt mad about this cancer. I see too much evidence that a very good God is in control. But I do feel sad. Sad to think of an earlier-than-expected parting from Chuck and the family, from friends, from life-on-earth which I love so much. There's another source of sadness, and it's linked tightly with gladness. I'm glad for the community of encouragement and prayer that has grown up around this blog--so glad! The inexplicable wellbeing I'm enjoying is a daily gift from God in answer to your prayers. The protection of my body against chemo toxicity is also an answer to your prayers. And so, I'm sure, is the freedom from fear. Thank you.

I believe some of you think about my cancer more often than I do. You tell me that I'm in your prayers throughout the day, or every time you wake up during the night. Who could ever deserve that? I certainly don't! (In fact, I wouldn't blame you a bit if you moved on to other prayer concerns that seem more likely to show signs of recovery.) And that's why I feel sad. You deserve a reward. I know many are praying for healing, which would be evidenced by the tumor marker numbers dropping, not rising. Oh, how I wish I could "give" you that! We all know that's in God's hands. And whatever He chooses to do about my cancer in the long term, a very happy eternal future lies ahead. Gladness! Here-and-now, I'm sad that I can't give you good clinical news.

This noon I'll pick up the new chemo pills. I need to take 10 of them daily, spread over 4 "feedings." They may cause nausea, but I think I know how to deal with that. (It used to seem like the worst possible problem; I've learned that it's not.) I need prayer for the discipline and memory to take the pills on schedule; I'm a pretty disorganized person.

Our friend's heart surgery yesterday apparently went well, but the last time we called he still hadn't waked up. We're concerned, and will check again as soon as it seems a decent time this morning.

Love and thanks to you all,
Carol

The doctor said . . .

The doctor is continuing to investigate clinical drug trials, which by the way have about a 10% chance of being effective. In the meantime, he's placed me on an oral chemo -- 10 pills spread over 4 times per day. It's a targeted drug, genetically targeted to the ovarian cancer cells. I'll have to search the internet for more information on what "targeted" means. I asked the efficacy rate for this drug, and he said it's about 15%. (That's better than 10!) I already turned the prescription in at the pharmacy; I think it was Hexalen or something like that.

Sue's visit was such a gift. She's on her way home now.

Carol

Caring for a treasured gift

Before God placed humans on earth, He prepared it as a many-splendored home for us, beautiful beyond what language can describe. Today is Earth Day in the U.S., maybe everywhere. I hope we'll remember to say thanks, in addition to caring for this treasure. Maybe if we were more grateful, we'd tend it better.

A dear friend from Michigan was in Augusta, GA, last weekend for the Masters Tournament (golf) when he suffered a heart attack. He's at a renowned cardiac center now, scheduled for a new valve and at least a double bypass today. Please join us in praying for his complete recovery. Thanks.

I've surely felt confused about the failure of Cisplatin and my galloping tumor marker numbers. I felt better about it when my cousin told me she had prayed that if God knew that the Cisplatin wasn't really going to make a significant improvement, He would make it very clear so I wouldn't go through another treatment. Well, I guess a 72% rise in the tumor marker count was very clear. So I accept it as an answer to her prayers, and I thank her and all the rest who are now praying for wisdom for the next steps. I'll post a short report this afternoon for those who are waiting to learn what the doctor says this morning.

It's wonderful to feel so well. It's been great having Sue here. She needs to go to the airport directly from the doctor's office.

Blessings for your day,
Carol

People

The nicest thing happened yesterday afternoon. Chuck had gone out to roll the trash hopper to the street for pickup this morning, and a friend came walking by. Her husband was doing a consultation at SIM (we live only a mile away), and she was investing her time in fitness while he was busy. Chuck invited her in, and I was just finishing preparations for a light supper. I asked if she'd join us, and to my delight she accepted at once. None of this "oh-no-i-really-couldn't." It made me so happy, and we had a lovely visit. Nice supper too. After she'd left, our neighborhood "daughter and son" stopped in to see their "sister" Sue. So loving!

Earlier we'd gone to the Daniel B. Stowe Botanical Garden; it's radiant in its spring glory. Seeing those acres of gardens is wonderfully restorative. They've added a small aviary since we were there last. And earlier than that, of course, we enjoyed Sunday school and worship. It was a splendid day, made more special by Sue's being here. I'm grateful to her husband Jeff, who encouraged her to come, even though I know he misses her.

We continue to pray for wisdom about any future treatments. We'll see the oncologist early Tuesday morning. Some of you in the U.S. may have watched the public t-v documentary about cancer last evening. Not very helpful, was it?

Have a great day.
Carol

"What counts is your life."

Our one-year Bible reading now has us in Matthew. I saw two beautiful things yesterday. The first was in the Wise Men story. They went on a very costly pilgrimage (probably up to two years) to find and worship the new king whose birth they had discerned by their study of the stars. Then, it says, when they found him they rejoiced, worshiped, gave their gifts, and went back home. What simple, humble people they were, despite their obvious intelligence, learning, and wealth. Rejoice! Worship! Give Him gifts! I loved that thought.

The second was in the preaching of John the Baptist (Matthew 3). He was berating the Pharisees for their hypocritical request for baptism. "What counts is your life. Is it green and blossoming? Because if it's deadwood, it goes on the fire. I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next. The main character in this drama . . . will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He's going to clean house -- make a clean sweep of your lives. He'll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he'll put out with the trash to be burned."

When I say I want to fully live every day of life that God gives me, this is a good way to describe what I have in mind.

A friend in South America asked if I'd include the following in today's blog. I'm happy to do so, even though I already know that most of you are praying this way. So here's her request:

"Might we PRAY MIGHTILY that God will grant WISDOM to Carol's oncologist between now and the Tuesday appointment? We know that those high numbers from her last exam can go back down, if GOD so desires. So let us pray that if there is another chemo formula/treatment that can help Carol, God will REVEAL it her doctor soon. For Carol's best and God's glory."

Your loving comments, notes, emails, and hugs (from local friends) bring tears to my eyes. Healing tears. I can't find words to express my gratitude. It's humbling too. I know that many of you are enduring various kinds of pain far worse than my struggles thus far. (I have NO physical pain; isn't that a gift?)

Love,
Carol

How do you respond?

Some ask “how are you doing” with a sincere interest, others simply to pass the time of day. Yesterday a friend put his arm around me and simply said “I’m praying.” I needed that right then! My very gifted wife said it so well when she said “At the moment, I’m not very interested in platitudes.”

This past week, one of our SIM couples returned from having served in a very difficult situation overseas, and were scheduled to speak in chapel. After we had prayed for the appointed countries that day along with some other urgent needs, the couple was called forward to speak. As the fellow started to speak, he burst into tears and was unable to speak for a minute or so. When he finally regained his composure, he said “Really I am not a basket case. I was just so moved by those prayers for all of these people, and reminded of how your faithful prayers sustained us during a difficult term.” He went on to give an exciting report of how the Lord was working in that part of the world. It had been a hard time for them but it was clear that God was working.

I can relate. After over two years of fighting Carol’s cancer I would think that every emotion has been experienced. But as we face this next phase, I confess that I feel like being hit by a truck. The distant future is clear...but what about the near future? As I think back over the past two years, I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God and of our family and friends.

As I was at the computer yesterday, a Skype message popped up on my screen from daughter Sue. “You there?” After chatting about this new turn of events, to my great surprise she said that she was working on travel plans asking, “Want your personal nurse to visit?” Within a couple of minutes she had a flight scheduled to arrive later today, returning to Michigan Tuesday after our meeting with the Oncologist. Well, I felt like the fellow above as I “talked” with her via Skype through my tears of gratitude. Isn’t God good?

These have been difficult months, but at the same time good months for both of us. We believe that we have learned a few things while having some fantastic opportunities with family and friends which likely would not have happened if we were not living with cancer. No, we would not have chosen this path, but we are grateful for the extra months of blessing from the Lord and the wonderful unexpected blessings along the way. Each of you is part of that blessing.

Our love to you all,

Chuck...and Carol too

How do you respond?

Some ask “how are you doing” with a sincere interest, others simply to pass the time of day. Yesterday a friend put his arm around me and simply said “I’m praying.” I needed that right then! My very gifted wife said it so well when she said “At the moment, I’m not very interested in platitudes.”

This past week, one of our SIM couples returned from having served in a very difficult situation overseas, and were scheduled to speak in chapel. After we had prayed for the appointed countries that day along with some other urgent needs, the couple was called forward to speak. As the fellow started to speak, he burst into tears and was unable to speak for a minute or so. When he finally regained his composure, he said “Really I am not a basket case. I was just so moved by those prayers for all of these people, and reminded of how your faithful prayers sustained us during a difficult term.” He went on to give an exciting report of how the Lord was working in that part of the world. It had been a hard time for them but it was clear that God was working.

I can relate. After over two years of fighting Carol’s cancer I would think that every emotion has been experienced. But as we face this next phase, I confess that I feel like being hit by a truck. The distant future is clear...but what about the near future? As I think back over the past two years, I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God and of our family and friends.

As I was at the computer yesterday, a Skype message popped up on my screen from daughter Sue. “You there?” After chatting about this new turn of events, to my great surprise she said that she was working on travel plans asking, “Want your personal nurse to visit?” Within a couple of minutes she had a flight scheduled to arrive later today, returning to Michigan Tuesday after our meeting with the Oncologist. Well, I felt like the fellow above as I “talked” with her via Skype through my tears of gratitude. Isn’t God good?

These have been difficult months, but at the same time good months for both of us. We believe that we have learned a few things while having some fantastic opportunities with family and friends which likely would not have happened if we were not living with cancer. No, we would not have chosen this path, but we are grateful for the extra months of blessing from the Lord and the wonderful unexpected blessings along the way. Each of you is part of that blessing.

Our love to you all,

Chuck...and Carol too

The Strongest Woman I Have Ever Known

(WARNING--The following post was added by stealth, without the knowledge or consent of Good Ol’ Mrs. Wilson, by a collaboration of someone who still has difficulties with the concept of growing up, and someone who should know better than to compromise a password. Laws may not have been broken, but the guilty parties are on thin ice and had better be circumspect in the future. I presume the password will be changed soon.)

Whilst there is yet time, let me tell you of the strongest woman I have ever known.

Despite skipping a grade in school and thereafter traveling with the next older class, she finished in the top 2% of her class

At the age of sixteen, she journeyed by Greyhound bus from Wallace, Michigan, to central Mexico to help with missionary work and begin a life devoted to missions, second only to her devotion to her family

With a diagnosis of Stage Four Ovarian Cancer, she began a fight—braving the most unkind chemicals available—stretching a prognosis of three months into more than two years and three months, and still counting

While engaged in this epic battle, she has continued:
• to do a full-time job editing a respected magazine
• to travel more than most sane people would attempt
• to witness the marriage of one grandson
• to witness the births of two great-grandchildren
• to be an encouragement to hundreds (perhaps thousands) through her daily blogs
• to host a family reunion on remote Cat Island
• to cultivate friendships with many who needed friends
• to lead a fight against slavery, wherever it is found in this world
• to spur on to greatness all of her children and grandchildren
• to make all who know her proud to know her

In her many years of experience, she has learned to focus on the good traits of everyone she knows so that they overshadow the bad ones. In so doing, she has become more Christ-like and has been instrumental in the recipients of her charity becoming more like Christ as well

All without complaining or indulging in self-pity

Did I mention that she can leap tall buildings with a single bound? Well, maybe not so much.

Let me introduce to you my big sister, Carol Wilson.

Signed,


He who was formerly known as Danny

Feeling scared

Yesterday a friend who teaches children in Nigeria sent an email, and in it she asked what I'm feeling. Her question was so welcome! (In my whole long life, very few people have asked that.) So here, for the whole world to see, is my answer: I'm feeling scared. Not of the ultimate outcome, which is a sure and wonderful thing through Christ. But of the weeks and months ahead, and the likely deterioration of health and all that brings. Sorry to lay that on you. I know God's promises, and I will hold on to them, and I know He'll be faithful. Please don't be afraid to ask me what I'm feeling, as long as you don't mind honest answers. I will be okay.

For now, there will be no chemo next Tuesday. Funny. I've become so accustomed to organizing my life and calendar around chemo treatments and the days required to recover from them. I know there are things I said I couldn't do later next week because of chemo, and now I'm not going to get it. We will see the oncologist Tuesday morning anyway, and he may have a drug trial to recommend. Otherwise, for as long as I continue to feel well, I'll make it my goal to live fully each day. That's a good goal for when I don't feel well, too, come to think of it.

Love,
Carol

What kind of news is this?

At first glance, it surely seems like bad news. The CA 125 has risen 72%--up to 1,826. I'm waiting for a call back from the doctor, and I'm guessing he'll decide not to proceed with Cisplatin since it has obviously stopped working in my case. It's confusing, because I did all that research and felt confident that I'd come up with some good strategies to cope with it better next time. And the metabolic panel shows that there's still no organ damage happening, despite the strong toxins.

How do we (this is at least as hard for Chuck as it is for me) feel about it? Enormously sad. At the moment, I'm not very interested in platitudes. But this I KNOW: whatever the progression or regression of my cancer, God does not change. I recognize a pattern, that when I don't know what to think or say, a hymn comes to the rescue. These are some lines from "God Moves in a Mysterious Way" by William Cowper.

You fearful saints, fresh courage take;
the clouds you so much dread
are big with mercy, and shall break
in blessings on your head.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
and scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
and He will make it plain.

'nuf said!

Carol

Pretty good news

Although the patch from Chuck's cheek turned out to be cancer, the good news is that it's basal cell carcinoma, the kind that doesn't invade other organs. The other good news is that the part of the margin that wasn't "clean" looks quite small. So after this incision heals, he'll have the rest removed--maybe in a couple of weeks. We are so thankful for this pretty good news.

My blood draw appointment yesterday morning was delayed, so I didn't get to the office in time for chapel. So did my colleagues criticize my tardiness? No, they prayed for me! Several said, "We prayed for you," as our paths crossed in the coffee room. See why I love working at SIM? I'll put up a new posting as soon as I get the CA 125 report, probably this morning.

I read something upsetting the other day. After the second world war, government and business economists designed a recovery strategy: consumerism. A retailing analyst wrote, "Our enormously productive economy . . . demands that we make consumption our way of life, that we convert the buying and use of goods into rituals, that we seek our spiritual satisfaction, our ego satisfaction, in consumption. . . ." The chairman of the president's Council of Economic Advisors said, "The American economy's ultimate purpose is to produce more consumer goods." (And we thought we love the malls because God made us this way?)

Here's God's opinion of consumerism, from Hebrews 13:5 -- "Stay away from the love of money; be content with what you have. For God has said, 'I will never fail you. I will never forsake you.'"

Have a great day.
Carol

A hard bump

Chuck learned yesterday afternoon that the big hole in his cheek isn't big enough; it was cancer and the margins aren't clean. He forgot to ask what kind of skin cancer it is. He'll see the surgeon tomorrow and then we'll be able to report on the next steps. We are grateful for your prayers, and for the peace God gives.

Over a year ago, I began wearing a cross almost every day as a reminder to myself and to all who see me that my only hope for this life and the next is Jesus Christ and the work He did on the cross. The other day I found a statement by John Stott, former rector of All Souls Church in London. "I could never myself believe in God, if it were not for the cross. . . . In the real world of pain, how could one worship a God who was immune to it?"

He is not. He lived our life and died our death, and even before He died in anguish on the cross, He wept with those who were grieving. The one constant theme in all accounts of Christians under pressure is this: God is especially near at times of greatest pain. There are times so dark that they can't do a thing to "hold on" to Him, but He carries them nevertheless. This is our hope, whatever lies ahead.

I'm working full days this week, and feeling well. This morning I'll get blood drawn for a CA 125 test. Tomorrow morning we should get the report after that blog is posted. I'll add the report when I get it, because I know so many are watching for it.

Blessings for your day,
Carol

Just the black notes

A friend sent me the link to an amazing Youtube movie. I don't think I've ever done this in a blog before, but I'm so sure you'll enjoy this one. It's by a singer named Whitney Phipps. He talks about "negro spirituals," explaining that almost without exception the tunes follow the pentatonic scale, which is easily identified on a keyboard as only the black notes. Some examples are "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," and "Every Time I Feel the Spirit." He makes the analogy that even in their deep suffering, the black slaves created beautiful and uplifting music using "just the black notes." "Amazing Grace," which was written by a white former slave ship captain after his Christian conversion, is most commonly sung to a tune that uses only the five notes of the pentatonic scale. Whitney sings it here in a way that could make you cry and break your heart. Go to: pjcockrell.wordpress.com/2007/11/22

A very dear friend, who prays for me many times a day, is having hand surgery this morning. Could we pray for the surgeon's full skill to be employed, and that the needed repairs will be totally effective? Thanks. Also for his peace of mind.

Chuck's cheek is looking better. The pathology report isn't back yet; whatever the diagnosis, we pray it's all cleaned out.

I'm thankful to feel so well.

Love,
Carol

Good morning

A long walk in the woods was a good part of yesterday afternoon. Spring is such a beautiful time. Later, neighbors came for a simple supper and an evening visit. Sad to say, the temperature dropped lower than predicted for this morning; I hope we haven't lost the few flowers we've put out already.

Grace was the middle name of two teenage girls who died five years ago in a plane crash here in Charlotte. One of them was from the Bahamas, here on a business trip with her father, who also died. The other was a college student; they never knew each other. The mother of the first and parents of the second met here at a memorial service. A headline in yesterday's paper announced "Grace out of Tragedy." It's a long story of God's comfort in a time of grief, and bringing blessing out of disaster. The Bahamian mother (who had one remaining daughter) has now developed a large home in the Blue Ridge Mountains near here, which she makes available--at no charge--to over-burdened pastors and missionaries who are at risk of burnout. Isn't it beautiful?

We're feeling well, thankful for a restful weekend, eager for a fruitful week.

Chuck's cheek appears to be healing, and today he'll get the first stitches removed.

The kidney-transplant friend who was in hospital with dangerous lack of immunity was in Sunday school yesterday. That was a celebration!

Blessings,
Carol

He keeps track

Yesterday morning I read Psalm 56, much of which is David's lament during a time of big trouble. Towards the end, there's a beautiful section of reassurance: "You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights. Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book. . . . God, you did everything you promised, and I'm thanking you with all my heart." That's a very personal connection David had with God; I like that!

Last night's party was so much fun. Great people, great food. The entertainer was an illusionist named Hanibal. We're still shaking our heads over what we "saw." His skill was so amazing that he appeared to accomplish the impossible. It's a reminder that we can't always trust our eyes; even the best evidence can deceive. I think of the disciples of Jesus who, on resurrection Sunday, were walking from Jerusalem to Emmaus. Jesus himself drew near, but they didn't recognize him, and in response to his question about their sadness, they told him he was dead--he whom they had hoped would be their Savior. Their eyes deceived them; their hopes had come true, but they couldn't see it yet.

The evidence also deceived Jacob in the latter part of Genesis. He "saw" Joseph's torn and bloody robe, believed he was dead, and promised to mourn for the rest of his years. Little could he know at that point that God would use Joseph in Egypt to rescue the entire family from famine in just a few years.

Chuck's cheek is healing well. I'm sure it's more uncomfortable than he lets on. The site was only a dot that would periodically bleed. Last week when it did that one morning even before he'd shaved or washed his face, he realized he needed to have it checked. Apparently beneath the skin there was a whole lot happening. The surgeon feels he got it all; we should find out for sure this week. Thanks to all who pray for us!

Love,
Carol

Blessed rain

After several years of drought, we were in big trouble, with more dry conditions predicted. Throughout autumn, we were forbidden to use any water outdoors. Not to gloat, but to give thanks, we've been getting a little rain each week now. More fell last night. They're letting us water our yards one day a week on a temporary basis. So we'll replace the shrubs we lost, and hope they make it.

Yesterday was gorgeous, 80 degrees F., sunny, with a breeze. A friend and I took a walk after lunch at work. Last evening after dinner I sprawled on the chaise on the patio with a book, Chuck with the newspaper; and something much better than a book or paper happened. Our neighbors walked over, a cup of coffee in each hand to share with us. We visited until after dark--lovely! (The book was a give-away, and turns out to be worth every cent. I'm going to toss it rather than invest precious time reading something so poorly written.)

In the early verses of Joshua, God is calling him to take over leadership of the people of Israel after Moses has died. God says, "Don't for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you'll get where you're going; then you'll succeed." It occurred to me that that's advice we'd offer to someone whose work is preaching or Bible teaching. But Joshua had three totally "secular" jobs: he was to carry out one of the most daunting military campaigns in history, he administered courts of justice, and he had to see to the provision of food and supplies for a few million people. Shouldn't he have been reading Sun Yat Sen or Peter Drucker?

First, he was called by God, in which case there is no "secular." It's all God's work. Secondly, if we nourish our minds and spirits with the Word of God, never letting it be "out of mind for a minute," and practice it, it will gradually transform our character so that we will do God's work in God's way. The outcome ("success") would amaze us. And finally, saturation in the Word of God helps us prepare for our real destiny: eternal life with Him. (This is not to disparage helpful books on war or management or parenting or whatever.)

Our Sunday school class winter party got snowed out once and "busied" out lots of times, and will finally happen tonight. Can't wait!

Love,
Carol

He does everything well

A couple of days ago, a colleague led morning chapel. She's one of those highly gifted and beautiful people it's hard not to envy. But, surprise, she confessed that she struggles with comparing herself unfavorably with others. She read a quote from George MacDonald that brings the issue back to the wisdom, goodness, and sovereignty of God (the place I need to be always!).

"I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking."

Chuck had a fairly large patch removed from his cheek yesterday, and now we're waiting for the biopsy results. If it's cancer, we pray that all the margins are clean.

I was very tired yesterday, but this morning I'm feeling well again. Despite tiredness, we went to the Clapham Group (anti-human-trafficking) meeting, and I was so happy to be there. We can see that God is building a network of similar small groups around this region, and it looks like a major part of our calling for now is to spread awareness. I picked up some posters, both in English and Spanish, and will seek strategic places to hang them (with permission).

I stepped outside when I got up and enjoyed a birdsong concert. Spring here is wonderful! Have a lovely weekend.

Carol

Another prayer answered

Our friend who received a kidney transplant last summer has been in hospital several days with two infections and a white cell count (immunity) near zero. Yesterday morning her white cell count had risen to 7.5 overnight! Meanwhile, the infections were brought under control and she was sent home. We're so thankful for this answer to many prayers. Thanks to you who joined in those prayers as well.

The other day I was reading James 1 in The Message paraphrase, and found this verse encouraging: "Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life." I feel that the life I'm enjoying is pure gift!

And now, a word about shared grief from Aslan, the Lion in C.S. Lewis' Narnia. Soon after the creation of Narnia, a rascally earth-boy named Digory is face-to-face with the Lion, and although he has caused no end of trouble for Aslan and Narnia, he works up his courage to ask for a cure for his mother who lies dying back in earth. "Now in his despair he looked up at [the lion's] face, and what he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and wonder of wonders great shining tears stood in the lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the lion must really be sorrier about his mother than he was himself" (The Magician's Nephew).

Imagine! Our Christ weeps with us. He knows! We can picture Him crying out against injustice, sobbing over the brothels of India (and our Western countries as well), dropping His tears on the dirty floors of slave factories in China and Mexico (and our Western countries as well), noticing and grieving every child, woman, and man trafficked against their will to be exploited in some way. It's only in knowing that "He bears our griefs and carries our sorrows" that we find courage and spiritual strength for our battles--whether against slavery, cancer, loneliness, or whatever.

Tonight is the meeting of the Carolinas Clapham Group (anti-slavery). I'm so happy to feel well enough to go this time.

Have a great day.
Carol

Feeling well

A college friend called last evening, and we talked too late, so I'm a little slow this morning. We're not as young as we were in the late 50s, are we? But it was great to hear from her. And I still feel well this morning.

Yesterday I passed along a couple of Erwin Lutzer's thoughts on honest doubts from The Vanishing Power of Death. He also wrote about "if onlys." You know, as in "If only we'd found my cancer sooner." Dr. Lutzer says, "If we could represent all of our "if onlys' as dots on a sheet of paper, we must then draw a circle large enough to encompass all of them. And that circle represents the providence of God." I've said it before: since God is by far the smartest Person in the universe, what He purposes or allows is long-run good, and doesn't have to make sense to this not-the-smartest person.

Have a great day.
Carol

Honest doubts

Is there room for doubt in the Christian life? Erwin Lutzer, in The Vanishing Power of Death, says yes. He believes doubt is really the raw side of honesty. He distinguishes between doubt and unbelief. "Unbelief has been defined as rebellion against evidence that we cannot or will not accept. But doubt is simply stumbling over a stone that we do not yet understand." He says hardened doubt is kicking at that stone, even though we do understand it. Honest doubt is open to the evidence, and willing to change its mind if it sees new truth.

Thomas, Jesus' disciple, had doubts. Most famously, after the other disciples had seen the resurrected Christ in Thomas' absence, he said, "I will not believe unless I can touch His crucifixion scars." A few days later, Jesus graciously gave Thomas that opportunity, and he responded, "My Lord and my God." We wish we could have seen and touched Him too. But Jesus said, "How happy are those who haven't seen and yet believe." He will meet our doubts, if they're honest ones.

I worked a full day yesterday and felt wonderful. What a deliverance from last week! I feel I should ask you to keep praying that God will protect my organs from damage, either by chemo or cancer. To have come this far without damage is miraculous. I must not presume that it will automatically continue so.

Have a great day.
Carol

A lab full of scientists

A comment on yesterday's blog says, "A lab full of scientists was praying for you last week here in California." How encouraging! My mind went to those scientists as I would wake up briefly during the night. I like to think that God takes special delight in the prayers of scientists, since they so often honestly struggle with matters of faith. And God is so full of grace that He smiles on those who turn towards Him in the midst of their honest doubts. (Those scientists don't know me. One of them found my blog a few months ago, and we've exchanged a few emails.) I just re-read this, and I must say that God smiles on all those, scientists or not, who turn towards Him, with or without doubts.

Anyway, since they prayed for me, I decided to return the favor. "Gracious Father, thank You for these scientists who prayed for me. Whatever the need of each one, please be with him or her right now. If one is frightened, give Your peace. If one is heart-broken, grant Your comfort. To financial difficulties, speak wisdom and trust in You. In pain or illness, Your healing. In confusion, the light of Your guidance. Midst honest doubts, the gift of faith. Through Jesus our Savior, Amen."

Getting back to Sunday school yesterday was a homecoming! Teacher Tom's lesson drew attention to God's amazing grace in a way that was eye-opening for me. I've known for decades that I must forgive those who offend me, and I've tried to do so. Yesterday morning the lesson went far deeper into my heart. If I want to be like God, and I do, my responses need to be like His, whose glory--whose very nature--is grace! In Exodus 33 Moses begged, "Show me Your glory," The Lord answered, "Jehovah, the Lord, a God compassionate and gracious, long-suffering, ever constant and true, maintaining constancy to thousands, forgiving iniquity, rebellion, and sin, and not sweeping the guilty clean away." That's one side of the lesson to me: be like Him in forgiving. The other side: that's the way He forgives my failures too!

All day Sunday was lovely, and I'm feeling well this morning.

Blessings for your day,
Carol

While I slept

I got up at 6:00 yesterday to write to you, but Chuck had already beat me to the race. So today I get to tell you, from a heart overflowing with gratitude, how well I feel. By Friday morning I was drinking clear fluids freely, and I began eating simple foods by noon. Yesterday I was ravenous and could eat anything. This morning (hear the joy?) we're planning to go to Sunday school.

Yesterday morning, in the light drizzle, I went out to see what I could do about the winter detritus in the flower beds. To my delight, I discovered that while I slept the past several days, God was doing His thing. Tulips and daffodils are blooming, iris will open soon, and peonies are up about 24" and budded. I filled a trash can with dead and dried plant materials I should have removed months ago, and it looks much better. Sadly, Chuck had to pull out at least six shrubs that we lost in last year's drought.

Our Liberian friend reported in Sunday school last Sunday that the mass removed from her throat was definitely not cancer. Then she said, "When I had to leave Liberia and come all by myself to America, my people said, 'What will you do in another country without family? How will you get along with no family?" My daughter said, 'You can't live alone without family, you will not live.' But I told my daughter, 'God will make a way.' Now see [and she gestured toward the people and the church building] I have family. I came here and I be here all these years and I have never be without family. That's all I can want to say." And she sat down--with moist eyes all around the room. (She left Liberia about 14 years ago after her first husband was killed for being of the wrong ethnic group.) Later, another class member asked, "Did God send her to us to give us a special way to serve Him? How easy she makes it for us!" Her husband still needs a heart transplant.

And the class member who received a kidney transplant last summer is in grave danger in the hospital. Her immune system (white blood cells) is almost zero, and she has two infections.

Have a blessed day.

Carol

Amazing Week

Yes, this has been an amazing week! Filled with challenges but also blessings.

I awoke early this morning and decided to get up and do some reading rather than try to get back to sleep. My mind was still too filled with thoughts of the week to get it quieted so I could get back to sleep. We are thrilled that Carol seems to have turned the corner with the violent reaction to the Cisplatin and is now able to take food and liquids.

We are so thankful for the blessing of caring family, friends and medical people. But most of all, a caring God and Father who gives strength, wisdom and encouragement as He gives us opportunities to prepare for an eternity with Him. We are well cared for both physically and spiritually!

Thursday was an especially long day. I started out shortly after 5:00 AM for my office to make my weekly “bread run,” took Carol to the Oncologist at 8:30, returned home with her after infusions and CT scans at a far away hospital (thank you Jon) after 5:00 PM and was able to squeak into the dealership just a few minutes before their closing at 6:00 to pick up our car that had been in the “hospital” for four days getting needed warranty work. As I drove into our drive after the very full day, a dear neighbor was walking to our door in the rain with a complete hot meal for me. Lunch at the Oncologist had something to be desired…Crackers and orange juice. Earlier in the week a coworker called to say that there was a package for me in the office refrigerator…my meal for that evening. I could go on and on about how the Lord ministered to us through His people, but I need to keep this short.

All of the hours of waiting also give me an opportunity to work on an occasional Sudoku puzzle and do much reading. Erwin Lutzer makes the statement in his book Your Eternal Reward, “We want life to be smooth, secure, uninterrupted. God has a different agenda. He is purifying us, testing us, training us so that we might be presented to Him as a pure church, ready to take our place sitting next to Christ on His throne.” That reminds me of another well read author, the Apostle Paul who writes in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 “For our present troubles are quite small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.”

Thank you Lord for every experience that you bring into our lives. May we allow each one to accomplish your purpose in and through us!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Chuck…and Carol too

The fast

Yesterday my cousin mentioned this fast I've been on. I had to confess that when I had to stop eating, I was so sick that I wasn't even thinking spiritual thoughts like going on a fast! I'm sure there are saints out there who turn their times of suffering and struggle into high and holy moments, but I have days when I simply want to survive. All the time, though, I rest at a deep level in the enduring love of Jesus who I know is carrying me through each test, each day.

A dear friend sent a note in which she quoted a line from a poem: "God ruthlessly perfects whom He royally elects." I know that's His purpose throughout our lives--to use the issues of our lives to purify our motives and reactions and make us more like Jesus. I welcome the process. (At the same time, I don't think I can live long enough to really become "perfect." That will happen when I see Him in heaven.) Chuck is reading an Erwin Lutzer book titled Your Eternal Reward. The premise is that we have only this brief lifetime in which to affect our situation for eternity. Throughout the day yesterday, he was reading snatches to me. Good stuff.

Last evening I posted the outcome of our full day in doctor's offices. We're relieved that there's no medical problem, so for today I'm trying to sip fluids and get back to "normal." I need to do some research on how other cancer patients have coped with the effects of Cisplatin. There must be some scientific types out there who have figured out the interactions and ways of minimizing the problems.

Blessings,
Carol

Long day

We left for the doctor's office before 8:00 this morning, and finally arrived home a few minutes after 5:00. (Blogger doesn't observe daylight saving time, so ignore the time posted below.) After 4 hours of fluid infusions, we went to an imaging center for a Ct scan, and we got good news. There is no bowel obstruction and no gall bladder disease. So the problems are strictly caused by the chemo, and now it's just a question of staring it down, probably for another day or two. The nurses tell us that they've had many patients on cisplatin who can't eat or drink for 10 days, and I'm still on day 8. (When you can't drink, you keep going in for more fluids. It works.) We're both very tired, and very thankful.

The doctor had thought I'd need to be hospitalized in order to get the CT scan, and he really wanted it done before the weekend. This is so much better, with all the flu in hospitals these days.

Thanks again for praying and caring.

Carol

No change

No new developments since yesterday's postings. I didn't vomit during the night, but feel quite unsteady this morning. I haven't drunk since noon yesterday, and I haven't eaten since Sunday afternoon. (My dreams last night were about food!) Dear Chuck got up at 2:00 am to chip some ice for me. We're leaving for the doctor at 8:00-- first to get fluids, then to decide what to do about the bile.

Don't despair for me. Remember, this isn't the cancer that's taking me down; it's only the chemo. And that is helping the cancer numbers go down. We do need to find a better system for managing the digestive malfunction next time.

I'm so grateful for your prayers. Let's remember to Fully Rely On God!

Love,
Carol

Another rough patch

A couple of hours ago I posted good news. Almost immediately, I began to vomit bile. (I'm so sorry to tell such gross things.) I'd been doing that yesterday too, and a bit the day before, but thought it would end now. Anyway, I have to quit drinking again, and have an appointment to go in for more fluids tomorrow morning, as I'm sure I'll be quite dehydrated by then. But we need to find the cause of the vomiting (it's not normal nausea). So I'll be grateful for your prayers as I talk to the nurses tomorrow. I do know that I have a gall bladder full of huge stones, and that could be diseased, which is an entirely separate problem. Anyway, we still have a couple of days until the weekend in which to try to find answers. God is still good and powerful. And I still appreciate you.

Carol

Answer on the way

Not all at once, but little by little, God is answering prayers and breaking through the blockage. I can't say I feel better yet; the abdominal pain has been pretty severe. But I can deal with that, and I'm so thankful to be looking forward to physical improvement in the next day or two.

Meanwhile, I've been listening to messages from the Moody Founder's Week conference held in February. They've made the day pretty special, after all. And I just picked up Erwin Lutzer's book, The Vanishing Power of Death, through which I've been grazing, and found this:

"The people were not wrong in thinking that the Messiah would set things right on earth, but they were wrong regarding the timetable. Today, we have health-and-wealth preachers who tell us that our bodies can be healed, that we can live with luxury, and that we should always be able to enjoy life--and they are right, but wrong about the time frame. In this life, we have suffering . . . .

"Suffering does not reflect unfavorably on the promises of Scripture. We take heart tht there is another world coming, in which all of the promised blessings will be realized. Just as God does not create a single fish without creating water in which it can swim, so God does not create longings for eternity without creating an eternity in which those longings will be fulfilled."

That's our hope!

Thankfully,
Carol

Thank you

Thank you so much for your prayers, and for the notes of encouragement.

Yesterday turned out to be pretty grim. Spent most of the day at the doctor's office getting more fluids and trying to solve the problem of my inability to swallow anything. The nurse practitioner came in and said I should plan on admission to the hospital today if I'm not better. Well! That's pretty motivating. I had a good night, and this morning I really do feel better. Fluids are staying down, and I'm quite sure that today I'll make great progress towards recovery.

For some reason, I've been doing nothing but sleep for days. No reading, no lofty thinking. Songs continue to ring in my memory and to lift my thoughts upward. I hope to write a normal blog tomorrow.

Love,
Carol

Still waiting

I'm still waiting for an answer to yesterday afternoon's urgent prayer request. Although no breakthrough has occurred, I'm not feeling as sick as I was, thankfully. Surely, today! I really don't want to go to the hospital, because I assume they'll want a naso-gastric tube; and when I needed one after surgery the nurse insisted on using a size too large for my nostril, resulting in several days of misery. So we keep praying for the situation to clear up without a trip to the hospital.

Yesterday morning Chuck was up early, needing to take the car to the dealer for repairs to the electrical system. His first step at the kitchen sink was a wet one, and he found that the under-counter water filter was leaking. So many things go wrong at once! Later in the day he called the filter company, and as he talked with the serviceman, he told him he was dealing with a wife with stage IV cancer. "Oh, Mr. Wilson," said the man, "I've been through that with my wife. I'll be praying for you." A stranger, but a brother. Big encouragement.

Last night I was feeling pretty sick, as I'd felt in the hospital after surgery. I remembered how my daughters took turns staying all night with me, and they would sing to me. My memory brought back those sweet sounds, and I was comforted.

Blessings,
Carol