Attitude

A woman woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything!

A friend sent this attitude adjuster this weekend. I needed it. I was thinking too much about the decreasing progress against CA 125 and about neuropathy and other side effects, and it was making me feel more worn down in general. So I'll focus on Jesus, how good He is, and what He's up to in the world, and try to keep my attitude straight. And if I had two hairs left, I think I'd part my hair down the middle today.

Our friend who had prostate surgery on Thursday did well, but had to stay in the hospital longer than they had hoped. Thanks for praying for him. The husband of my childhood friend, who was diagnosed with cancer several weeks ago, starts his chemo Monday. We're praying he'll do well. His wife never did have to have that injection in her eye, and last week had cataract surgery which was apparently successful. The local friend who was stricken with an eye disease is still studying her options, and God is opening doors to helpful information in remarkable ways. I love watching God answer prayers.

Blessings,
Carol

Cultivating peace

A friend sent me a small book, Let Go, a 17th century collection of letters by Fenelon. Here's a sample: "Learn to cultivate peace. And you can do this by learning to turn a def ear to your own ambitious thoughts. Or haven't you yet learned that the strivings of the human mind not only impair the health of your body, but also bring dryness to the soul. You can actually consume yourself by too much inner striving. And to no purpose at all! Your peace and inner sweetness cn be destroyed by a restless mind. Do you think that God can speak in those soft tender accents that melt the soul, in the midst of suchinner confusion as you permit by that nedless, hurrying parade of thoughts going through your mind? Be quiet, and He will soon be heard."

During the night I was awake awhile and realized that I wasn't feeling as well as I had, and this morning I feel a bit down physically. I'm sure it's an invitation to be still for awhile.

Today we plan to visit the van Landingham Glen, an 8-acre ravine on the local university campus that's filled with luscious rhododendrons. I've learned that I need some exercise every day, even when I don't feel like it. And I'm surely looking forward to all that beauty.

Blessings,
Carol

Praises and Prayers

This week (chemo #6), it seems as though my fatigue has been less severe than previous chemo weeks. This is remarkable, since the effects tend to be cumulative. I'm praising the Lord that He's helping me feel so well. The neuropathy (tingling and numbness of fingers and feet) is worse, though, and I'll really appreciate your prayers that God will keep those effects under control. The doctor says that many people on chemotherapy become permanently handicapped by neuropathy.

A young single mom is part of this prayer fellowship, even though we have never met. Her younger sister Susan just learned that she has cancer of the thyroid. Her children are only 2 and 11 years of age; they surely need her to get well. Susan meets with her doctor on Monday; could we pray for her?

It's so hard to see people walking through difficult pathways. I always want to believe that "easy" is normal, and "difficult" is abnormal and to be avoided. I think I'm being unrealistic. This morning's reading in Streams in the Desert said, "Every highway of life descends into the valley now and then. And everyone must go through the tunnel of tribulation before they can travel on the high road of triumph."

Your fellow traveler,
Carol

CA 125 is at 40

Chuck took the call from the nurse, and I could tell he was disappointed. He'd been hoping the CA 125 would have dropped into the 20s. Three weeks ago it was 52.3; this week it's 40.5. Maybe progress slows as the numbers drop. It's huge progress nevertheless, and I guess it's a good thing that I'm handling the chemo well enough to continue on for a few more treatments, still aiming for a count below 15. Thanks for continuing to pray for that.

Yesterday was the best "third day" after chemo that I've had yet. Tired, but not terrible. It's great to have Lisa here.

I'm realizing how important it is to make good use of the good times to build a strong foundation of truth and faith for the bad times. When anxious thoughts bombard my mind in the dark of the night, I find myself clinging for dear life to God and His goodness. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I appreciate so much His promises in the Bible and the beautiful hymns that resonate in my soul, reminding me to trust Him.

I appreciate you!
Carol

What Defines my Life?

"If God met you at a dinner party, He wouldn't ask what you do for a living or how many people are in your family. He would ask you what moves your heart, what dreams you have, and how committed you are to them. He doesn't define us by the things we do. He defines us by our loves." I read that paragraph last week in indeed, the devotional our Sunday School class studies together. The question continues to challenge me. What are my loves, my dreams? What moves my heart?

Today is day 3 after chemo, and I feel quite well. At this moment, Lisa's plane should be touching down, and Chuck is at the airport to meet her. We're so looking forward to having her here for a few days. Yesterday she finished her coursework for her Masters in Social Work. We plan to attend her graduation in Washington DC on May 12.

The doctor recommends two more chemo treatments exactly like the 6 I've already had, and then after that he would like to discontinue the taxotere but continue with carbo-platin. He is very encouraged by the way I'm handling the chemo side effects and by the decreasing tumor marker CA 125. (I expect that blood test report tomorrow.) So we've scheduled a treatment for May 22, and another for June 12. Once the CA 125 reaches the goal of 14 or lower, I'm not sure what we'll do. Party, for sure! Praise God, for sure! And continue to say thanks to everyone whose prayers are making such a big difference.

With our love,
Chuck and Carol

Indescribably Magnificent

"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, indescribably magnificent world in itself." (Henry Miller)

Until cancer taught me to slow down and be still, I'm afraid I didn't know how to give close attention to anything! This is one of the gifts of grace that I'm experiencing these days.

Chemo went well yesterday, and the blood work was all in normal range. (No report yet on the CA 125). Afterwards I enjoyed the afternoon lying on the chaise on the patio, watching and listening to the birds, reading a little, and resting a lot. I prepared dinner, cleaned up and went to bed by 8. Notwithstanding all the day's rest, I slept quite well through the night as well. I am so thankful.

I plan to go to the office for a couple of hours this morning, as I feel strong enough and have some things I want to check on.

Lisa comes in early tomorrow morning. Wednesday is the day I usually feel weakest, but I'm certainly not going to talk myself down to that if I can help it.

I'm so grateful for your prayers. You can see that God is answering. Thanks to all who pray also for Chuck. He carries a heavy burden too, and he's so wonderful about dealing with the insurance billings (why are they so chaotic?). I appreciate him.

Love,
Carol

Day by Day

As a Swedish child growing up in a Swedish community and Swedish church in northern Michigan, I learned (along with many others) to love a Swedish hymn, "Day by Day." Its author, Lina Sandell, first published the words in an 1886 calendar. First she told a parable about a wind-up wall clock that suddenly stopped. The dial investigated, and found that the pendulum was at fault; it had become weary of swinging back and forth 86,400 times every day. "Try swinging six times," suggested the dial. This was easy for the pendulum to do, but it pouted, "It's not six or sixty times I worry about--it's six million." To that the dial replied, "But only one swing at a time is required of you. And no matter how often you must go through the same motion, you will be given a moment for each one." So the pendulum went back to its daily challenge.

Then the hymn:

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here.
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is wise beyond all measure
Gives unto each day as He deems best,
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special blessing for each hour.
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose name is "Counselor" and "Power."
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid. "
As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every situation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting
E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,
One by one, the days--the moments--fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

I think I've learned more good theology from hymn writers like Lina Sandell than from a whole bunch of sermons! This one is certainly truth with which to face this day. My chemo is this morning. We pray for the usual: a suitable vein, and that the chemo will find and destroy all the cancer cells. Good friends of ours face chemo tomorrow and Thursday respectively, and on Thursday another friend has a complicated prostate surgery for cancer. We pray for them all.

Love,
Carol
P.S. It's 1:30 pm Monday and we're now back home after chemo. All went well, beginning with finding a good vein. Thanks for your prayers.

Another Reason

There's another reason for the depression I felt yesterday morning. The day before I had read a report on research that could possibly result in a cure for ovarian cancer many years from now. But one line in the report caught my eye: "Most ovarian cancer patients develop recurrent disease that becomes resistant to standard chemotherapy." I already knew that, so why did reading it again crash my emotions? I guess it's predictable to waver between fear and hope in the midst of cancer, but as I said yesterday and say again today, we get to choose where we focus our attention. When I direct my attention to my human, medical prospects, I'm discouraged. When I concentrate on God and His abilities and attitudes, I'm at peace.

My attitude correction resulted in plenty of energy to keep going all day, and I did clear away those piles of clutter that were bugging me. Mid-morning we paused to view a video a friend had sent. She created it to celebrate her son's high school graduation two years ago. The story is amazing. He was born 3 months premature at 2 pounds 5 ounces. He spent months in the hospital, and had years of home therapy afterwards. He was ranked at an IQ of 36. Over the course of one year it was raised to 73. He is now confident, handsome, spiritually in tune with God, a musician, and will graduate next month from community college--on the Dean's list! I watched the images with tears streaming down my face and with growing trust in the love and power of our Creator.

Looking forward to what I'll learn today in Sunday School.

I have five beautiful and promising tomato plants to put in the ground this afternoon.

Love,
Carol

You amaze me!

I'm amazed that you're still checking this site. In the 4+ months since we began this journey through cancer, you've surely heard of dozens of other urgent prayer needs, and I wouldn't blame you a bit if you redirected your attention to the newer matters. Please know how deeply grateful I am for your love and prayers. You are a gift of grace to me!

This morning as I sat down in my little office with my Bible and journal, I wrote, "I'm depressed. Why? Why not?" Then I proceeded with a head-to-foot litany of pesky problems caused by the chemo. The worst, surely, is fatigue. Every morning my goal is to live fully the day that's been given to me. But, I whined, I don't have enough energy for that; I don't even have energy for the essential tasks of my job and my house work. Then I noticed that my journal's bookmark was at October 30, 2005. On a whim, I looked back and began to read. I discovered that for the entire month prior to my cancer diagnosis, God had been preparing me for it by an intensive course in His characteristics: His graciousness, His mercy, His faithfulness, His justice. (Yes, my study was guided by assignments from our Sunday School teacher.) A half hour's reading brought my compass needle back to "true north," and the depression lifted. I'd had my focus in the wrong place.

Lots of trivial stuff has piled up here and there, and I'd like to clear it away before another chemo on Monday. I intend to "live fully" today, even in the midst of mundane tasks. I read Acts 2 this morning, and was struck by the joy Christ's followers experienced. Why not!

Love,
Carol

A Mystifying Question

Our Sunday School teacher (Tom Bowers) sends a letter almost every week. He's been teaching us to "pester God" in persevering prayer, and to pray long-haul prayers about eternal matters. Isaiah 59:16 says, "God saw that there was no one, and marveled that there was no one to intercede." Tom writes, "I can't change the world, I can't fix much of what is bad, I can't even seem to fix myself. God can, and is interested in doing so, but He waits for my participation as an intercessor. Isn't that odd? Why would He wait for an intercessor? It's a mystifying question.... I find it simply astonishing that in situations big and little, global or local, church or secular, personal or foreign, God is right now waiting for a man or woman to give Him a reason to change His mind or a reason to launch into action." I'd certainly like to be part of a movement of "people-changing, earth-shaking, event-altering, God-motivating intercessory prayer"!

I meant well yesterday, but by about 3:00 I was wilting and returned home to rest. I still hope to complete the organization for the next magazine by the end of today. One of the most important but hardest tasks is finding dynamic photos to illustrate the stories. Once I'm organized and can provide a summary of each, the photo editor can begin the search next week, while I'm recovering from Monday's chemo.

Blessings,
Carol

Learning Patience

God gave us a safe trip home yesterday, and I think both our bodies handled the long trip well. As for our hearts, we collected enough hugs and happy memories to sustain us until next time.

After unloading the car last evening, I stepped into the back garden. I was disappointed to see that the flowers I'd planted still look about the same as when we left a week ago. Shouldn't they have grown more luxuriant by now? Then this morning as I was waking up slowly, I became aware of the same feelings of disappointment and impatience. I'm tired of getting tired so easily. The chemo causes neuropathy (tingling and numbness) which makes my fingers clumsy. It also induces edema (fluid retention) in my feet and legs, which requires me to sit with my feet elevated when I'd rather be up and "doing something." Yesterday was four months after my surgery. My impatient and immature heart cries, "Shouldn't I be feeling 'normal' by now?"

I think the two cases are related. It takes time for a garden to grow. And it usually takes time for God to answer prayer. The Bible says, "You have need of patience," and I raise my right hand and reply, "Guilty as charged." I do have need of patience.

I'm grateful for all the gifts of grace that have come through this disease, and I want to continue to grow up through it.

Today and tomorrow I need the gift of concentration, as I must organize the content of the next magazine for SIM before next Monday's chemo again takes me out of commission for several days. It's coming together well, and will still require more than a month's work before it's ready to submit to the designer, but these next two days are crucial to the work flow.

I'm so thankful for your love, interest and prayers.

Carol

Better off!

Yesterday I was reading the New Testament account of Jesus' meetings with His friends after His resurrections. They'd be gathered around and suddenly He'd materialize right into their presence. I looked around the living room where I was sitting and thought how wonderful it would be if He would show up like that again. Then I realized that He's not absent at all, so doesn't need to suddenly show up. And as I read on, I saw His beautiful words, "Blessed are those who don't see, and believe nevertheless." His resurrection means His presence with us all the time. Great!

Justin and five friends came out of their way from Nashville back to Michigan in order to see us. They had dinner with us, and every minute of their short visit was precious. Beautiful people--inside and out.

We'll be traveling all day tomorrow back to Charlotte.

I feel quite well, and I appreciate your prayers so much. Next chemo is Monday, 24 April.

Love,
Carol

Destiny

It's still Easter, and I hope your day has been full of joy. I don't think I'll have access to internet on Monday, so I thought I'd just check in once more. I'm so thankful for your loving, caring prayers. It's been an active time here, but nevertheless I'm feeling well and rested. The Slagers have returned to their respective homes in Michigan and Wisconsin.

This morning the final song of the church service was "In Christ Alone my Hope is Found," one of my favorites. There's a wonderful line: "Jesus commands my destiny." Isn't that great! What more do we need?

Love,
Carol

The Lord has Risen

The Lord has risen!
He has risen indeed!

With these words we join Christians of almost 20 centuries who have blessed one another in this way on Easter morning. No other day of the year offers so much hope and joy.

And we bless you, our much loved friends and prayer partners, in the name of our risen Lord.

I'm feeling well. And my heart is so happy. Jeremy got here safely about 10 pm, after taking all 3 tennis matches yesterday. As I write, Gavin and Calli are coloring boiled eggs. We'll fill an entire row at church this morning.

The Lord has risen!
He has risen indeed!
Amen.

Carol

Between Friday and Sunday

Yesterday, Good Friday, I was reading the devotional that our Sunday School class studies together, indeed. All week we'd read about the prophet Hosea, who modeled the forgiveness of God (the heavenly Husband) towards a wayward "wife" (His people). Yesterday's said: "That's why we can never write off the depravity of our world as unredeemable. No matter how vile and disgraceful a person's actions, that person is never out of the reach of God. In a world where we tend to divide between "us" and "them," we need to remember that "them" always has the potential to be "us." What a great Easter weekend thought!

It's so wonderful to be here with the family (11 of us so far). Lots of laughter, love and happiness. And the swans are still tending their nest.

Love,
Carol

Between Friday and Sunday

Yesterday, Good Friday, I was reading the devotional that our Sunday School class studies together, indeed. All week we'd read about the prophet Hosea, who modeled the forgiveness of God (the heavenly Husband) towards a wayward "wife" (His people). Yesterday's said: "That's why we can never write off the depravity of our world as unredeemable. No matter how vile and disgraceful a person's actions, that person is never out of the reach of God. In a world where we tend to divide between "us" and "them," we need to remember that "them" always has the potential to be "us." What a great Easter weekend thought!

It's so wonderful to be here with the family (11 of us so far). Lots of laughter, love and happiness. And the swans are still tending their nest.

Love,
Carol

Good trip

We had a lovely trip. And a long sleep last night.

A mommy swan is nesting on the edge of "Cat-tail Island" about 300 yards from us. Other swans fly in and out, but her mate maintains a tender watch from the end of our dock (where he finds good fishing). It's so restful to sit and watch them.

The family will be gathering gradually. Karin and Keith are here already; Gavin and Calli will come after school. James (grandson #1), Liz and Joshua (great-grandson #1) will be here mid-afternoon today, and maybe Sue with them. Her husband Jeff will be here later, we hope. Jeremy (grandson #3, the one who's going to Niger in the fall) will come Saturday evening after his all-day tennis tournament. Justin (grandson #3) and 5 college friends are in Nashville and plan to stop in Monday on their way back to Michigan. Our hearts are happy.

Love,
Chuck and Carol

Behold the Lamb of God

Today is Maundy Thursday, the day we remember Christ's last supper with his disciples. From then on, it looked as if His enemies took over and He no longer had any control over events. But it only looks that way. Right until the final second when He shouted loudly and dismissed His spirit, He could have called the whole thing off. That's the amazing power of His kind of love--to stay there and suffer to death on purpose! He can help us face our momentary suffering in the right spirit too.

We're leaving for Indiana in a few minutes. We hope to see all our kids and grands except for Lisa, who is saving her travel for next week in order to be with us here for chemo #6 (April 24). We don't have internet access at the lake (we don't even have a phone line), but I'll try to post a blog every few days, and I'll definitely be back a week from today.

Have a blessed Easter.

Carol and Chuck

Trying a Trip

I'm grateful to all of you who also pray for my husband. It's well said that when one person gets cancer, the whole family gets it, and at times it's obviously wearing on Chuck. I'm happy to report that we both slept well and long last night.

For the first time since my diagnosis on December 7, we're going to try to travel in order to celebrate Christ's resurrection with our family. We plan to leave Thursday morning and return Wednesday, April 19. It's a 12-hour drive (flying wouldn't be much better because of clumsy connections), and I really hope we're up for it. We won't often have internet access, so I'm afraid there will be some gaps in this daily blog. I'll be back as soon as I can.

I've frequently referred to the beautiful biblical blessing that begins "The Lord bless you and keep you." One line says, "The Lord turn His face toward you." I'm thinking about the soccer, tennis, volleyball, football and other matches I've watched our grandchildren play. I confess that no matter what's happening on the field, I have eyes only for my kids. Maybe that's a picture of the Lord's having His face turned toward us, with the big difference that He's able to turn His face toward every one of His kids at once with no less focused attention. That blessing is my prayer for all of us today:
The Lord bless you and keep you
The Lord make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace. Amen.

Carol

Don't Waste your Burdens

A friend in Ethiopia sent me an article by John Piper which he wrote as he was facing cancer surgery in February, titled "Don't Waste your Cancer." I have posted it in the previous posting (below). So many of you are carrying unbelievable burdens, and I thought we could all find hope and help in this article. I didn't see a copyright notice, but if you decide to pass it along, please include John Piper's name. I'll give his ten points here, and you can read on if you wish.

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.

3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.

5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.

10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Please pray for me, that I will not "waste my cancer," and I pray for you that you will not "waste" the thorns, storms and distress that threaten to darken your day.

Love,
Carol

On "Wasting" Cancer

Don’t Waste Your Cancer
February 15, 2006 — Fresh Words Edition By John Piper
I write this on the eve of prostate surgery. I believe in God’s power to heal—by miracle and by medicine. I believe it is right and good to pray for both kinds of healing. Cancer is not wasted when it is healed by God. He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God’s plan for everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not waste this pain.

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it.

2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Galatians 3:13). “There is no enchantment against Jacob, no divination against Israel” (Numbers 23:23). “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).

3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.
The design of God in your cancer is not to train you in the rationalistic, human calculation of odds. The world gets comfort from their odds. Not Christians. Some count their chariots (percentages of survival) and some count their horses (side effects of treatment), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God (Psalm 20:7). God’s design is clear from 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” The aim of God in your cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.

4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.
We will all die, if Jesus postpones his return. Not to think about what it will be like to leave this life and meet God is folly. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning [a funeral] than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” How can you lay it to heart if you won’t think about it? Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Numbering your days means thinking about how few there are and that they will end. How will you get a heart of wisdom if you refuse to think about this? What a waste, if we do not think about death.

5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
Satan’s and God’s designs in your cancer are not the same. Satan designs to destroy your love for Christ. God designs to deepen your love for Christ. Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ. God’s design is to wean you off the breast of the world and feast you on the sufficiency of Christ. It is meant to help you say and feel, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” And to know that therefore, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 3:8; 1:21).

6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
It is not wrong to know about cancer. Ignorance is not a virtue. But the lure to know more and more and the lack of zeal to know God more and more is symptomatic of unbelief. Cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God. It is meant to put feeling and force behind the command, “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord” (Hosea 6:3). It is meant to waken us to the truth of Daniel 11:32, “The people who know their God shall stand firm and take action.” It is meant to make unshakable, indestructible oak trees out of us: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:2). What a waste of cancer if we read day and night about cancer and not about God.

7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.
When Epaphroditus brought the gifts to Paul sent by the Philippian church he became ill and almost died. Paul tells the Philippians, “He has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill” (Philippians 2:26-27). What an amazing response! It does not say they were distressed that he was ill, but that he was distressed because they heard he was ill. That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.
Paul used this phrase in relation to those whose loved ones had died: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). There is a grief at death. Even for the believer who dies, there is temporary loss—loss of body, and loss of loved ones here, and loss of earthly ministry. But the grief is different—it is permeated with hope. “We would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). Don’t waste your cancer grieving as those who don’t have this hope.

9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.
Are your besetting sins as attractive as they were before you had cancer? If so you are wasting your cancer. Cancer is designed to destroy the appetite for sin. Pride, greed, lust, hatred, unforgiveness, impatience, laziness, procrastination—all these are the adversaries that cancer is meant to attack. Don’t just think of battling against cancer. Also think of battling with cancer. All these things are worse enemies than cancer. Don’t waste the power of cancer to crush these foes. Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25).

10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.
Christians are never anywhere by divine accident. There are reasons for why we wind up where we do. Consider what Jesus said about painful, unplanned circumstances: “They will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name’s sake. This will be your opportunity to bear witness” (Luke 21:12 -13). So it is with cancer. This will be an opportunity to bear witness. Christ is infinitely worthy. Here is a golden opportunity to show that he is worth more than life. Don’t waste it.
Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).
Pastor John

On Another's Sorrow, by William Blake

William Blake's poem, "On Another's Sorrow," begins with several stanzas showing how even humans feel pain when we see others suffering, then goes on to show how impossible it is for God to not share our sorrows. Here are the final stanzas:

Think not you can sigh a sigh,
And your Maker is not by;
Think not you can weep a tear,
And your Maker is not near.

Oh, He gives to us His joy,
That our grief He may destroy;
Till our grief is fled and gone
He does sit by us and moan.

When I ache for someone else's trouble, I can pray and I can try to encourage them. God can do more! He feels it with us, for sure, and He also changes us. He gives unbelievable comfort, grace, peace and healing.

My friend with the eye disease is very encouraged. The doctor is treating her to reduce the swelling, and hopes she may then be able to reverse some of the damage from the retinal bleeding. And far from being "inevitable," it appears the likelihood of spread to the other eye is about 10%. Needless to say, we're praying it will be 0% for her. When I talked with her yesterday, she was enjoying the peace of God; she was also deeply concerned for our mutual friend Shirley, whose ovarian cancer blew up again after a very short and sweet remission. She had surgery (again) two weeks ago, and this Wednesday begins chemo (again). Dear caring Maker, please touch Shirley this week.

Following church and lunch yesterday, I needed and enjoyed a deep, long nap. This is such abnormal behavior for me, and I have to keep reminding myself that cancer is not normal. Later I did get a bit of exercise with some yard work and a good walk with Chuck.

God is good!

Carol

Greatest Fear

Yesterday I was reading some letters from SIM missionaries (my way of keeping up with what God is doing around the world and getting ideas for future magazines). This statement grabbed my attention: "Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn't really matter." Sobering, isn't it? I want to pay attention to what really matters, and to pursue it with whatever energy and time are left for me, however long that is.

I'm feeling well. Did some yard work yesterday, in addition to the SIM work.

I understand we have very good news from the friend with the eye disease, but I haven't been able to talk with her yet. It sounds as if God is answering prayer, and I'll pass the news on as soon as I get it.

Our middle grandson Jeremy senses God's call to take a year off between high school and university to serve in Africa. He plans to go to Niger, one of the two poorest nations on earth. He has set up a blog (www.jeremyinafrica.blogspot.com) and it's pretty exciting. We're looking forward to having him stay with us this summer during his preparation time.

Thanks for your love and prayers.
Carol

Springing

Spring is Hope. We're enjoying a gorgeous spring here in Charlotte, and every dead-looking twig that bursts into leaf, every bare patch of mulch that yields to bright blooms, all sing of Life out of apparent death! It's a fitting season to reflect on the passion and death of Jesus, and His irrepressible life that won the war against sin and hopelessness.

George Matheson, a blind preacher in Scotland many years ago, wrote, "My dear God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses but not once for my thorns. I have always looked forward to the place where I will be rewarded for my cross, but I have never thought of my cross as a present glory itself. Teach me, O Lord, to glory in my cross. Teach me the value of my thorns. Show me how I have climbed to You through the path of pain. Show me it is through my tears I have seen my rainbows."

Remember my childhood friend for whose multiple physical problems we prayed some weeks ago? I just learned that her husband has been diagnosed with cancer. I feel numb with sadness for them. Jesus is her true Rock, but her dear husband provides the hands and feet for her care, and now he will need care too. Dear God, please carry them!

I felt so well yesterday that I went to work in the afternoon and then in the evening did a bit of yard work. I'm so grateful for your prayers and interest.

Love,
Carol

Good Numbers

The nurse says my blood test results are all good. Iron tests are all well within normal. The comprehensive panel (kidneys, liver etc) came back all normal. And the CA 125, while not yet below "normal 35," is down to 53.1 (down from 8,445 in December). Those are all good numbers!

Yesterday I was still happy to rest a great deal. Today I feel more energetic. Happy about that.

Karin and Keith, Gavin and Calli will return to their home in Indiana today. It's been so encouraging and refreshing to have them here.

One week before my surgery in December, we went to Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden for a Sunday evening concert by a local African American church choir. It was a soul-strengthener, for sure! One of the songs they sang was "Jesus, You're the Center of my Joy." Last night as I lay awake for a few minutes, the sight and sounds and words came back to me:

Jesus, You're the center of my joy, All that's good and perfect comes from You.
You're the heart of my contentment, hope for all I do,
Jesus, You're the center of my joy.

You are why I find pleasure in the simple things in life;
You're the music in the meadows and the streams;
The voices of the children, my family and my home;
You're the source and finisher of my highest dreams.

Oh, Jesus, You're the center of my joy.

Blessings,
Carol

Privilege of Stillness

I know there are women whose families are so demanding that no matter how fatigued they feel, they must be up and caring for them. Others are on their own and must continue going to their jobs even when chemo gets them down. That's why I say stillness is a privilege--one that I took full advantage of yesterday. It's true. I spent the entire day either in bed or the recliner, except for a half hour at noon to prepare and drink a protein smoothie. I slept through the night again as well. I'm thankful. I do feel stronger today.

Stillness brings its reward. Rest, yes. Reflection also--reflection that can't occur when the body and mind are rushing to the next task. Then come the special moments when Christ Himself draws near into the stillness.

Thank you again and again for all your prayers.

Love,
Carol

Expectations

From yesterday's devotional reading:
"Most Christians lead a treadmill life--a life in which they can predict almost everything that will come their way. But the souls that God leads into unpredictable situations are isolated by Him. All they know is that God is holding them and that He is working in their lives. Then their expectations come from Him alone." I don't know why this cancer came, but I don't need to know why. It certainly interrupted any predictability of my life. But I definitely know that God is holding me, and He will continue to do so.

Today is Day 3, predictably the lowest day of chemo week. My heart began its usual third-day high-speed race during the night, but other than that I'm still feeling well this morning. No complaints! I'll stay home and keep quiet anyway, in order to recover more quickly.

Thanks so much for caring and praying.

Love,
Carol

Answers to Prayer

We saw so many answers to prayer yesterday. Thanks for all you’re doing to help in this battle!

The vein: I’ve never before had an easier pick. The nurse quickly accessed the same vein they’ve used the past 2 times, and everything went very smoothly.

Blood work: my hemoglobin is up to 12.5 (high-normal for women) and white cells are at 6.4 (almost up to mid-normal). The results on iron will be back on Tuesday, and the CA 125 tumor marker on Wednesday or Thursday.

Answers from the doctor:

He wants to continue treatment past #6 because I’m doing so exceptionally well, and I think he is now gaining some optimism of my going into a full remission. (He’s a wonderful Christian gentleman, and he certainly believes God answers prayer. But I don’t think he’s had many patients with a strong prayer network like you all. He feels my progress is truly remarkable. So do I. The reason he hadn't planned to go beyond six treatments is that most patients have to quit even before that because the effects are so difficult.)

He says the only ongoing testing he will do is the CA 125 blood test. His goal now is to get that number down below 15. Normal is regarded as 35 or lower. If it goes below 15, he says he’ll continue to monitor it, and the first indication of relapse would be an increase in that number. It would probably show up that way long before any new tumors form. He also hopes that by the time of a relapse, new treatments or studies will be available.

He does not object to my taking the alternative supplements that we believe God has led us to. And we’re making every reasonable effort to eat nutritionally and exercise and rest wisely.

So here’s our strategy:
1. Prayer and trust in God
2. Healthful living
3. Medical treatment
4. Alternative supplements

Whatever results God brings, we will thank Him for His goodness.

Thanks so much for all your love and prayers.

Love,
Carol

Love Quilt

Karin brought a beautiful hand-crafted "love quilt." On several squares she had hand-written wonderful Bible promises plus a couple of hymns. I had already decided I wanted to be memorizing Bible promises as a means of fortifying my soul for whatever I might face in coming months or years. So here they are--lovingly provided on this gift! Last evening the five of them went to a basketball game and I stayed home to rest up for today's chemo. It was a good quiet time to begin the memory project, and I started with the top left corner, Psalm 71:17-21.

"O God, You have taught me from my youth;
And to this day I declare Your wondrous works.
Now also when I am old and gray headed [bald in my case]
O God, do not forsake me,
Until I declare Your strength to this generation,
Your power to everyone who is to come.
Also Your righteousness, O God, is very high,
You Who have done great things;
O God, who is like You?
You, Who have shown me great and severe troubles,
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
You shall comfort me on every side."

A friend told me yesterday that she has been diagnosed with a serious eye disease which is causing progressive blindness in one eye and could spread to the other. She is such a loving, giving and praying person. I wonder if you could ask God to touch her today.

Blessings,
Carol

Looking Good

I mentioned some time ago that I was reading Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. Here's a line that sobers me: "The temptation of the age is to look good without being good. If 'white lies' were criminal offenses, we would all be in jail by nightfall." I'm worrying that when I write my thoughts about Christ's sufferings, and my aspirations to keep my mind focused on Him, I'll give the impression that I'm some kind of supersaint. Nothing could be a worse lie. It's because I struggle so much to keep Him large in my soul that I say so much about it--not because I've achieved. I do love Him, but poorly.

Daughter Karin, her husband Keith, and their kids Gavin and Calli drove in from Indiana yesterday. They'll be here to cheer my chemo week. It's a sacrifice of the children's spring break, a gift of love.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that we were checking out the "Hallelujah" diet yesterday. I don't want a big debate with devotees. I'll simply say that what we heard didn't convince us to follow that strict vegetarian plan as our next attack on the cancer. (We have already made many reasonable diet changes, but at this point the total "Hallelujah" scheme doesn't seem right for us.)

Chemo is Monday at 11:45. On Tuesday we'll let you know whatever new information we learn from the doctor. The current reading on the CA 125 tumor marker blood test probably won't be available until our Friday morning posting.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

Blessings,
Carol

The Spirit Is Willing

Jesus warned Peter and the other disciples that they should stay alert and pray, because "the spirit is willing enough, but the body is very weak." Sure enough, they slept; and when the moment of truth came, they all ran away. As our bodies weaken--whether through pain, fatigue or mere old age--we'll reveal by our responses whether we've strengthened our souls during the sweet times so they can do the right thing even in the bitter times. Any ideas on how to do that?

Today we're going to Shelby, NC, to listen to a lecture on the Hallelujah diet. We promised ourselves that we'd research various options for dealing with my cancer after the 6-course chemo is finished on April 24. I'm inclined to think the Hallelujah program is entirely too drastic, but we'll give it a listen at least.

This week I've talked with the widows/widowers of several good friends who fought a losing battle with their cancer. All of them suffered terrible effects of chemo. I think your prayers and God's kindness are making such a huge difference for me. Thanks.

Love,
Carol