Am I Fully Relying on God?

I wear a bracelet with beads that spell out FROG. I wear cute little frog pins, and frogs sit all over the place in our home. But I still have to ask myself: am I Fully Relying On God? Or on chemo, doctors, my mind, my actions? All night my body was madly throwing off fluids. I'm drinking all I can to try to prevent dehydration, but can I drink enough? Naturally, I was restless and my mind was madly stirring up "to do" lists. Can I fully rely on God to accomplish all that he wants me to do today? Or will I keep thinking it's all up to me? You get the picture. Please pray for me. I do need to try to get some work done at the office because of two pretty big deadlines, but I don't dare rely on myself. Thanks. I promise not to push too hard.

Those of you who came to my 70th birthday party will remember the adorable redhead who sang a cute song about growing older. That was Fran, the friend who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her surgeon feels it's slow-growing, and probably contained. The surgery will be later in September. Thanks for praying for her, and please continue. She faces a struggle, even with the relatively good news. And our friend whose creatinin numbers were too high after her kidney transplant learned yesterday that the number is down to 1.5; it needs to be at 1. Our other friend with a kidney transplant has developed a virus related to the transplant. We keep praying for all of these.

I need to say this: God is faithful. He is good. He is reliable.

Love,
Carol

Urgent

I'm begging prayers for our dear friend with breast cancer. She saw the surgeon yesterday, but unfortunately I haven't been able to reach her by phone to find out what they're planning. She is trusting the Lord, but is facing a tough journey. I've had several friends who've survived breast cancer in recent years, but all of them have loving husbands to support them. I know how important that is. But this friend lives alone. Please pray for her.

Thanks so much for praying for me too. Yesterday I got another infusion of fluids, and I think it's helping. I was too faint to walk into the doctor's office, so traveled from the car by wheelchair. I'm still a speck wobbly, but much much better. Thankfully, my digestive system is not reacting so violently this time. I promise to take it easy, but I think I'll be able to go to the office for a little while today.

Yesterday afternoon as I rested, I encouraged my soul by listening to music. One of the CDs I chose was "A Greater Song" by Paul Baloche. Here are a few words from the first track:

"When we see You, we find strength to face the day.
In Your presence all our fears are washed away.
Washed away.
Hosanna, Hosanna,
You are the God who saves us.
Worthy of all our praises,
Come, have Your way among us,
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus."

Thanks to everyone who has been praying, and also for your loving cards, mails and calls. I'd love to find time and energy to personally thank each one of you.

With much gratitude,
Carol

What can I give back to God?

This morning I awoke with a start when the alarm on Carol's pump went off. Apparently she had rolled onto the tube and it was protesting...a rather sensitive chap it is!

Again this chemo is hitting Carol very hard. Fortunately there have been no "eruptions" but she is extremely tired and weak. Later this morning the pump is to be removed, so she should soon be feeling better. Our prayer is that the chemo is hitting the cancer doubly hard too.

Yesterday I was reading a few lines from Psalm 116 (The Message) to Carol, which gave me much food for thought:

"I love God because he listened to me,
listened as I begged for mercy...

God is gracious-it is he who makes things right,
our most compassionate God...

I said to myself, 'relax and rest,
God has showered you with blessings,
Soul, you've been rescued from death;
Eye,you've been rescued from tears,
And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling.'

What can I give back to God
for the blessings he's poured out on me?
I'll lift high the cup of salvation-a toast to God!
I'll pray in the name of God;
I'll complete what I promised God I'd do,
and I'll do it together with his people.
When they arrive at the gates of death,
God welcomes those who love him.
Oh God, here I am your servant,
your faithful servant: set me free for your service!"

Cancer has been confirmed in our dear friend here is Charlotte. She meets with the surgeon today to discuss alternatives, which no doubt involve surgery. At this time it is unknown how far the cancer has progressed. Please continue to lift her up in your prayers.

It is a tremendous privilege to serve our great God together. Let us hold high that cup of salvation and continue to praise Him for all He has done and continues to do for each one of us.

Enjoy this new day of His blessings!

Our love to you all,

Chuck...and Carol too

Love for the Journey

How difficult it would be to walk any tough journey without love! First, the reservoir of divine love that God builds into us from the beginning. Then the love that others add unconditionally during our early years. Eventually the love we learn to offer to others--hopefully, also, unconditionally. And throughout the whole journey, since even the best human love wears thin at times, God's faithful outpouring of perfect love continues. The Hebrew word hesed is my favorite; with no equivalent English word, translators often settle for "faithful love" or "loving-kindness." I think the best spiritual exercise we can engage in is to enter deeply into that place in the soul where we can be convinced of God's hesed and carry it with us consciously throughout the tough journey of the day. This is one reason why I am committed to reading the Bible daily if possible. It's an excellent way to hear him saying, "I love you."

I slept very soundly through the night. Still no significant nausea or other digestive upset. I'd bought that expensive anti-nausea medication after last time's meltdown, so you can be sure I'm taking it this time. And I plan to go to the oncologist this morning for an additional infusion of fluids, on invitation from my very loving nurses to try to prevent dehydration.

I tried until bedtime last night but couldn't get an update on my friend's biopsy report. I keep praying. Yesterday I told you good news about our Michigan friend whose psa numbers have dropped. His missionary daughter was having a breast biopsy yesterday. Praying for a clean report for her as well.

May God fill you with his love today.

Carol

Monday Afternoon

We're having problems with our internet access at home, so while I'm at the office I'll post a short update, just in case.

Chemo went well this morning. God is so faithful to answer prayer, and I felt not a twinge of dread to face it again. As a preventive measure, we have scheduled for me to go back to the chemo room tomorrow for infusion of fluids, thinking part of the effects last time were due to dehydration. We'll see if it helps.

I find many encouraging notes in my email box and as comments on the blog. How can I ever thank you all?

Love,
Carol

Humbling!

I need a new vocabulary to express my gratitude for the multitude of caring prayers you are offering for us. Phone calls, notes, and emails remind us of the amazing community of support you are! It's very humbling. No one, least of all me, could deserve so much love and intercession.

God has already answered your prayers for me this morning. My soul is peaceful about another round of chemo. He is so faithful and so strong.

Recent reading in the final chapters of Isaiah has brought me again and again to bow before his sovereign uniqueness, as in Isaiah 46:9, "For I am God--I alone! I am God, and there is no one else like me." That's the truth, and it's good.

Once again, He gave us safety all that long way from Indiana to home. And once again, Chuck drove the entire distance.

A dear friend at work had a breast biopsy for a large mass last week and will get the report today. We were so out of touch at the lake that we found out only after returning home last evening. Please pray that she'll get good news, and that she'll have God's peace.

We've been praying for our Michigan friend who had prostate cancer some years ago and recently experienced a troubling rise in his psa (due to the treatment he had earlier, there apparently remains nothing to be done in case of recurrence). He got great news last week: his psa number went down to 1.5! Thank you, Lord.

I'm so thankful for you all.

Carol

Two Words for Today

Yesterday I spent some time, finally, reviewing the CAT scan report. I spread it out and paid attention to scary words like metastatic lesions, asymmetric lymph nodes, etc. Then I read through several pages of Bible promises that our former pastor had brought to us shortly after I got out of the hospital. Two concepts in James 1:2 grabbed my attention: Perseverance and Wisdom.

1. "You know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature." I don't waste a lot of time dreading Monday morning and the chemo treatment that awaits me, but I'm taking "perseverance" as my word for the day.

2. "If any of you lacks wisdom, (s)he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given . . . ." What a wonderful promise! I am trusting God (the generous, non-judging God) to speak clearly with his wisdom if there's anything else I should do or any changes should be made.

The past couple of days I've been feeling stronger, though I still need a nap or two every day. I'm finally getting out for short walks too, so that's helping.

We've had a lot of rain, some of it torrential, and the intended house painting has been an off-and-on thing. I've gotten some advance planning done for the next magazine. The theme of it is ministries of compassion, a wonderful topic, and I have enough research materials for a whole book--not just 12 pages of a magazine. It will be hard to choose.

Tomorrow morning early we'll be on our way back to Charlotte. I should be back on line Monday morning.

Thanks for all your love and your faithfulness in praying for us.

Love,
Carol

Up on my Feet

Thanks so much, dear friends, for your prayers. Yesterday I took 3 short walks, and today I'm feeling stronger yet. Not "normal," whatever that means, but better. My new book offered fresh insight for this time. "There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering. Everyone goes through that bleak time. Folk-consciousness always recognizes that at such a time, you must be exceedingly gentle with yourself. I love the image of the field of corn in the autumn. When the wind catches the corn, it does not stand stiff and direct against the force of the wind; were it to do this, the wind would rip it asunder. No. The corn weaves with the wind, it bends low. And when the wind is gone, it weaves back and finds its own poise and balance again."

After so many days of missing almost all my usual behaviors and disciplines, it would be natural to start beating myself up to get back on track. I think the concept of being "exceedingly gentle" at this time is very important.

Our friend who received the new kidney is in the hospital with too-high creatine levels. Please help us pray for her. The dear women whose husband took his life 12 days ago is suffering the predictable pain and guilt. She and the family really need God's comfort and peace.

I'm happy to report that grandson Jeremy and his dad biked safely to Chicago on Monday and Tuesday. I'm eager to hear more details. New student activities begin today.

We're still planning to drive home on Sunday and hit chemo again on Monday. I'll need courage.

Blessings,
Carol

What a Weekend!

It was so wonderful to have my loved ones here. I wished to feel better, but it was sweet nevertheless. This blog will have to do for awhile again, but at least I want to thank you for your prayers. I can't remember ever feeling so sick and weak. Nobody predicted that this chemo would be so mean. Just now I can't even consider sitting down again next Monday for another round of it!

A cousin brought a book, Anam Cara, A Book of Celtic Wisdom. The opening poem, "Beannacht," begins,
On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

Well, I do feel like the weight has deadened, and the above wish was well made.

We had a beautiful time of hymn singing on Sunday. The two cousins who came said that's the way they remember our family: singing. It was lovely.

My sister-in-law had shoulder surgery this morning. They say she's doing well, and may even go home yet today. Grandson Jeremy and his dad Jeff stayed here last night, and now they're biking to Chicago, where Jeremy will check in to the Moody Bible Institute tomorrow. We're praying for their safety, because it's raining a lot and they have a long way to go.

I keep expecting to get some strength back. When I do, I'll go in the library to send another update.

Love,
Carol

sue again ...

Hi there ... Mom wanted you all to know that she is enjoying her time in Indiana. She looks good, but is still pretty fragile and weak. Please keep her in you prayers. The house painting project is due to start tomorrow ... please pray for good weather and safety. She'll try to get on line later in the week and give you her own update.

safe in indiana

This is Sue ... Mom just called and asked that I add a quick update for y'all. She and Dad arrived safely at the Lake yesterday around dinner time. She's feeling well (though still tired from the ordeal of the week.) Her family has arrived safely, and you can hear them chattering & laughing together over the phone!

She says she's looking forward to seeing me and some of my boys tomorrow ... Jeremy & Jeff are biking (bicycle) from the Chapman Lake to Chicago for Jeremy to start his college adventure at Moody Bible. Mom hasn't given you a "proud great grandma" picture in a while ... so I'm taking a little creative license to show you how big Joshua is getting ...

Thanks for your continued prayers & support. She appreciates it ... and so do we!

PS: she'll be at the lake until next weekend, please dont be concerned if updates are sporadic this week.

Thanks for Praying

Wow! I haven't felt this sick since I was recovering from surgery in the hospital 20 months ago. Funny thing, the doctor and nurses thought this chemo would be easy on me. I just pray it's as hard on the cancer as it is on me! We're still planning an early departure Friday for the lake house in Indiana. My soul needs this! We have loved ones coming from Arizona, Bahamas, Maine, Michigan, and Minnesota. I feel so blessed! My sweet husband is so helpful, and the nurses have called in better meds for the digestive problems, so I think by morning we'll be good to go.

The CAT scan was on the whole encouraging. There's a half-inch lesion on the abdominal wall, which is probably metastatic. And there are irregular lymph nodes in the chest which the radiologist recommends checking with a mammogram, which I already had scheduled in September anyway. The doctor says we'll continue to monitor the lesion by the CA 125 test, and he expects that the chemo will have a good effect on it. We'll keep praying.

I hope there's no blog on Friday--that will mean we're traveling.

Love to you all,
Carol . . . and Chuck

Reading Between the Lines

From your comments, emails, and phone calls, we can tell that you've been reading between the lines and discerning that we've had a rough few days. Thank you for your prayers. I wish I had the energy to personally thank each of you who have contacted us recently. It means so much! Yesterday we went to the oncologist's office as soon as it opened in order to get some fluids pumped in to counteract a pretty serious case of dehydration. Those nurses are wonderful. I'm feeling better today, though still a little wimpish. Nurse daughter Sue told me how to prepare Oral Rehydration Therapy (1 liter of water, 8 teaspoons of molasses, 1 teaspoon of salt), and it stays down better than water. I'm nibbling on brown rice and slices of apple. I plan to do everything I can today to recover my strength so we can go to Indiana tomorrow. If there's no Friday blog, you'll know we were successful and are on our way.

More encouraging words about the anti-slavery battle. The struggle in these days is not to pass anti-slavery laws, which already exist almost everywhere, but rather to see to their enforcement. Poor people, minorities, and children in many countries don’t have the power to struggle for themselves, and their governments simply don’t protect them. International Justice Mission (ijm.org)says every Christian could take four simple steps to help change the tragic existence of 27 million slaves in our world today:
1. Learn the facts, pray with others about what you learn, and help make other Christians aware.
2. Bombard (graciously) our governmental representatives to make enforcement of anti-slavery laws a priority in relations with the countries that tolerate a high level of forced labor.
3. Help pay for investigation and advocacy for the slaves who need help to secure protection under the law.
4. Help pay for the rehabilitation and restoration needed by former slaves to recover from their trauma and land on their feet again.Thanks for listening. Next it’s time for me to write to our senator and representative.

I should get the CAT scan report today. If I do, I'll put up another posting.

Blessings,
Carol

Destiny

This morning Carol is feeling the results of the extended chemo and is resting. She has been experiencing considerable fatigue and a variety of nasty digestive problems. Daily, we are reminded of the tremendous blessing of having outstanding doctors, nurses and assistants that we can call upon. At 1:00 PM today we will have the chemo pump removed, after which we anticipate these symptoms fading. Yesterday a CT scan was done at the hospital to see if the doctors can get a better idea of what is going on, and we were blessed by a dear couple that came to sit with us while Carol drank three huge glasses of some nasty “brew” and then endured several attempts to access a vein to inject additional dye. The last time we visited her surgeon, Carol had suggested that he should have installed a zipper instead of sewing her up, because it would be a lot easier to check things out.

I finished reading The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias while sitting with Carol during chemo. Dr. Zacharias asks the question: “Are our lives just random and meaningless strands of thread, or could they possibly be precise designs woven with remarkable care, thoughts, and intent?” In his usual thoughtful manner, he proceeds to answer the question.

I have been reflecting on some of his words in the chapter on destiny. Just a brief quote: “When thinking of destiny, however, we make a mistake in thinking only of death or what happens after death. Destiny involves much more than this. It is the culmination of all that life was, including how the person prepares for death, whether it comes sooner or after several years. Destiny incorporates the sense of purpose and design when it lies in the hands of a sovereign God.” And as the Grand Weaver reminds us, He not only holds the thread but also gives us promises like Jeremiah 19:11-13, plans for our good and to give us a future and a hope. Ready to listen as we pray, always available as we earnestly seek Him. Wow, how could anyone turn that down for an aimless destiny?

As we continue this winding road, we are thankful for the encouragement and prayers of our friends and family and confident that our destiny is fully in the hands of our sovereign God. Please join us in praying that the CT scan will clearly indicate for the doctors how to proceed with treatments, and for His wisdom in the many decisions coming our way.

May we be faithful, allowing the Grand Weaver to weave the threads of our lives into the tapestry of his choice…For His Glory!

Our love to you all,

Chuck…and Carol

Destiny

This morning Carol is feeling the results of the extended chemo and is resting. She has been experiencing considerable fatigue and a variety of nasty digestive problems. Daily, we are reminded of the tremendous blessing of having outstanding doctors, nurses and assistants that we can call upon. At 1:00 PM today we will have the chemo pump removed, after which we anticipate these symptoms fading. Yesterday a CT scan was done at the hospital to see if the doctors can get a better idea of what is going on, and we were blessed by a dear couple that came to sit with us while Carol drank three huge glasses of some nasty “brew” and then endured several attempts to access a vein to inject additional dye. The last time we visited her surgeon, Carol had suggested that he should have installed a zipper instead of sewing her up, because it would be a lot easier to check things out.

I finished reading The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias while sitting with Carol during chemo. Dr. Zacharias asks the question: “Are our lives just random and meaningless strands of thread, or could they possibly be precise designs woven with remarkable care, thoughts, and intent?” In his usual thoughtful manner, he proceeds to answer the question.

I have been reflecting on some of his words in the chapter on destiny. Just a brief quote: “When thinking of destiny, however, we make a mistake in thinking only of death or what happens after death. Destiny involves much more than this. It is the culmination of all that life was, including how the person prepares for death, whether it comes sooner or after several years. Destiny incorporates the sense of purpose and design when it lies in the hands of a sovereign God.” And as the Grand Weaver reminds us, He not only holds the thread but also gives us promises like Jeremiah 19:11-13, plans for our good and to give us a future and a hope. Ready to listen as we pray, always available as we earnestly seek Him. Wow, how could anyone turn that down for an aimless destiny?

As we continue this winding road, we are thankful for the encouragement and prayers of our friends and family and confident that our destiny is fully in the hands of our sovereign God. Please join us in praying that the CT scan will clearly indicate for the doctor, how to proceed with treatments May we be faithful, allowing the Grand Weaver to weave the threads of our lives into the tapestry of his choice…For His Glory!

Our love to you all,

Chuck…and Carol

Destiny

This morning Carol is feeling the results of the extended chemo and is resting. She has been experiencing considerable fatigue and a variety of nasty digestive problems. Daily, we are reminded of the tremendous blessing of having outstanding doctors, nurses and assistants that we can call upon. At 1:00 PM today we will have the chemo pump removed, after which we anticipate these symptoms fading. Yesterday a CT scan was done at the hospital to see if the doctors can get a better idea of what is going on, and we were blessed by a dear couple that came to sit with us while Carol drank three huge glasses of some nasty “brew” and then endured several attempts to access a vein to inject additional dye. The last time we visited her surgeon, Carol had suggested that he should have installed a zipper instead of sewing her up, because it would be a lot easier to check things out.

I finished reading The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias while sitting with Carol during chemo. Dr. Zacharias asks the question: “Are our lives just random and meaningless strands of thread, or could they possibly be precise designs woven with remarkable care, thoughts, and intent?” In his usual thoughtful manner, he proceeds to answer the question.

I have been reflecting on some of his words in the chapter on destiny. Just a brief quote: “When thinking of destiny, however, we make a mistake in thinking only of death or what happens after death. Destiny involves much more than this. It is the culmination of all that life was, including how the person prepares for death, whether it comes sooner or after several years. Destiny incorporates the sense of purpose and design when it lies in the hands of a sovereign God.” And as the Grand Weaver reminds us, He not only holds the thread but also gives us promises like Jeremiah 19:11-13, plans for our good and to give us a future and a hope. Ready to listen as we pray, always available as we earnestly seek Him. Wow, how could anyone turn that down for an aimless destiny?

As we continue this winding road, we are thankful for the encouragement and prayers of our friends and family and confident that our destiny is fully in the hands of our sovereign God. Please join us in praying that the CT scan will clearly indicate for the doctor, how to proceed with May we be faithful, allowing the Grand Weaver to weave the threads of our lives into the tapestry of his choice…For His Glory!

Our love to you all,

Chuck…and Carol

I Love Wearing a Pump

I love wearing a chemo pump. Well, only in comparison to lying in a hospital bed for 48 hours in order to receive continuous chemo infusions. So I’m counting my blessings.

Surely we don’t need a blow-by-blow description of the chemo infusion. Nor a dissertation on the upcoming CAT scan at 8:00 this morning. So I’ll pass along some encouraging words about the fight against modern-day slavery. In the late 1700s, the Quakers in Britain mobilized about 300,000 people to boycott sugar from the West Indies, which was at the time Britain’s largest import and a crucial factor in the global exploitation of human labor. Soon, desperate retailers began to offer sugar that was certified produced by the labor of free persons. Sales of “free” sugar soared, and an important plank in the profitability of slavery was thereby eliminated.

Just a few years ago in India, Najaraj and his family and 80 other slaves were held in a brick-making factory, forced to work 16-hour days, with no hope of escape. About the same time, 16-year-old Elisabeth was lured by false promises to a brothel in Thailand, where sheer violent terror kept her serving in the sex trade. Both Najaraj’s family and Elisabeth were ultimately freed through the efforts of the International Justice Mission (ijm.org). IJM continued enforcement actions in the city where Elisabeth had been held, with the result that child sexual victimization there has been reduced by more than 90%.

Guess what! International Justice Mission is the first of the five finalists in the contest for $100,000 to be announced on the Rezoom site today. Rezoom will reveal one each Monday over the next 5 weeks. Each of the five automatically gets $5,000. On September 14, we’ll learn who got the $100,000. It’s a bright spot in my day to realize how much is being accomplished by brave and good people. Thanks to everyone who voted.

Blessings,
Carol

Red-Letter Christian

Tony Campolo calls himself a red-letter Christian. He’s referring to the editions of the Bible that print all the words of Jesus in red ink. In fact, I believe the entire Bible is God’s Word. Nevertheless, I’m inspired to pay special attention to the words Jesus himself spoke in the Gospels as I proceed in my chronological reading to the New Testament in a few days. The thing is, Jesus not only came to die for our eternal redemption. He also spoke words that transform the way we live the life he gives us here on earth—instructions for moral living, and also his demand that we help those in need. These issues are not theoretical.

Modern slavery is one such issue. The on-line voting for the grant to the International Justice Mission is now complete, and starting today Rezoom will announce, over the next few weeks, which organization got it. I hope it was IJM! (I did my small bit to vote every day.) Now I’m reading and looking for further action steps, in addition to boycotting slave-produced chocolate. I think there are ways of badgering politicians to exert their influence against the governments that are known to sponsor or wink at slavery, such as Burma (Myanmar), China, and Sudan.

Citizen action in the U.S. was responsible for the passage of the Trafficking Victims Protection Act enacted in 2000, and strengthened in 2003 and 2005. It looks like enforcement of that Act has already reduced present-day slavery in the USA by a third. (Yes, in the USA! Both various kinds of sex slavery and also labor slavery—some of it under our very noses.)

On another front, yesterday we signed up for after-school tutoring in one of Charlotte’s very troubled neighborhoods. As you probably discerned, our attempt to be part of an after-school ministry earlier this year never happened; I guess the person in charge couldn’t pull it together. This tutoring program seems to be well-established, and it should take off again sometime in September. Needless to say, we’ll need to select a day of the week when chemo is least likely to interfere. Stay tuned…

An amazing thing happened in Sunday school yesterday. Teacher Tom invited all who wished to gather round my chair while one of our friends led in a prayer for both Chuck and me at this time of special challenge. I can’t tell you how moving and encouraging that was. And yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from the friend who received a donated kidney only last Monday--promising continuing prayer for me. She’s at home and doing well; what a trooper she is!

Chemo begins at 9:45 this morning. I’m praying it will be very mean to the cancer. Thanks for all your caring and prayers.

Love,Carol

This, too, is worship

At first when I woke up this morning, I thought it was Monday and time to get ready for an unknown chemo. Then my brain cleared and I remembered it's Sunday. Joy! I'm feeling well enough to look forward to seeing dear friends and to worshiping with them.

I read an article by Agnieszka Tennant in which she calls attention to the myriad experiences of worship throughout our "ordinary" days. "On those unguarded occasions when I can taste, see, feel, smell, and know that in Gerard Manley Hopkins' words, 'the world is charged with the grandeur of God,' I revel a little, I notice. Something must have propelled the sun from behind the clouds. Some power must have suspended it in just the right spot. Suddenly, without putting much thought into it, I find myself saying thank you. A lungful of marvel becomes a prayer of gratitude. Supposedly ordinary acts turn sacramental, with no effort on my part. This, too, is worship: to receive all good things and to bow our heads in the knowledge that they come from God. To take whatever is lovely, splendid, pure, noble, and true--and to follow where it leads. To taste and see that the Lord is good."

Today will be full of opportunities to worship--all day, not only the hour of the church service.

I hope your day is great.

Carol

Grace

"Lord, only you know the gift hidden in the losses in life.
Only you see the treasures in the darkness,
The riches stored in secret places.
Until you are ready to reveal them to us,
Give us your graces for the waiting."
-- Verdell Davis

God tells us he wants us to wait patiently for him midst the unanswered questions and perplexities of life. Obviously, that's very hard to do, and we certainly need his "graces for the waiting."

There are things far worse than cancer. Yesterday, someone very dear to us lost her husband. She was in the air, traveling to be with her daughter who is about to give birth, when her husband took his life. One can only imagine the dark horror that now shrouds what should have been the joyous occasion of birth. (I'm sure he would never have put his loved ones through this agony if he'd been in his right mind.) May God give his inexplicable grace to all who grieve.

I am scheduled for a C-T scan on Tuesday the 14th. I hope there are no growing tumors, but....

Our weather broke all-time temperature records the past two days at 104 degrees. (I know that doesn't sound like much to you who live in central Africa and south Asia.) Makes us very thankful for air conditioning, and for jobs we can do indoors.

This evening we're invited for dinner and dominos. We're looking forward to good food, stimulating conversation, and laughter.

Have a great day.

Carol

With . . .

Turns out Chuck also spent time on the internet yesterday afternoon researching my new treatment. So we both had a fresh load of sobering information, and we both found ourselves lying awake at 2:00 this morning. We talked for awhile, cried a little, and then fell back--safely--on our sure hope: God's reliable promises to be WITH us. I wonder how many times in the Bible he says, "I am with you," or "I will be with you." Also, how many times the psalmist said, "You are with me." Having God with us is, after all, far better even than having a sure cure! I'd still like a cure, and we're continuing to pray for that. I know it gets frustrating to keep praying with faith and get bad news instead of good. I surely do thank you for praying. Day after day of full, rich life is surely one way God really is answering your prayers!

Last evening I played the piano awhile. When I got to some hymns, I tried to sing along (very quietly, in my chemo-cracked voice), but often felt choked by a sob. Chuck came and sat on the sofa right by the piano, and I know he felt it too. Here's a line from Wonderful, Merciful Savior: "You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for." Yes. Amen.

I'm thankful to feel well, to have meaningful work to do, to have family and friends like you, and to have God WITH us.

Yesterday afternoon I posted some details about my new treatment; you can read on below if you wish.

Blessings,
Carol

New Treatment Plan

The oncologist is ordering a new chemo regimen, in view of the failure of the stuff I was getting. Starting next Monday morning, I'll get a 3 1/2 hour infusion of a combination known as "folfiri." (I'll describe it below, but it probably won't mean a thing.) I'll go home wearing a pump that will continue to administer chemo for 48 more hours, after which I'll return to the doctor's office to turn in the pump. Then two weeks later we'll do the same thing again, and every two weeks unless folfiri also fails. As soon as possible, we'll schedule a scan (C-T I think) to rule out tumor growth. So that's the news following today's visit with the doctor. And here's the scoop on folfiri: Irinotecan (also called camptosar, CPT 11), and fluorouracil (5-FU), and leucovarin (LV). See? It doesn't mean a thing. But it's kept me busy on the internet for the past hour. Now I'm going to get some exercise.

Bewildered

Yesterday’s report of rising cancer numbers did raise some questions. I kept pleasantly busy at my desk all day, but then when I got home things were quiet, and my thoughts made it to the surface. Here are some questions:

1. What’s going on here? My CA 125 number is the highest it’s been since early March 2006, when the count was first dropping from its initial high of 8,445 at surgery in December 2005. Is this rise significant? No answer.
2. What shall we do next? Continue to pray, to Fully Rely On God. Continue to live, and laugh, and love. Discuss our options with the oncologist this afternoon.
3. Least helpful of all: What am I doing wrong?

Madame Jeanne Guyon, humble French contemplative at the time of Louis XIV, wrote,
“If knowing answers to life’s questions is absolutely necessary to you,
then forget the journey.
You will never make it,
for this is the journey of unknowables—
of unanswered questions,
enigmas,
incomprehensibles
And most of all, things unfair.”

I’m not calling my cancer unfair. On balance, worldwide, what’s unfair is the unbelievably good life I’ve had for more than 70 years. So I won’t go there. A dear friend’s grand-nephew, 6 years old, is fighting two lethal childhood cancers: glioblastoma in his brain and rhabdomyosarcoma in his muscles. I’d love to see him get a miracle of healing!

I will certainly let you know what course of action we decide on with the oncologist. Meanwhile, Malcolm Muggeridge, Britain’s famed humorist of the last century, has some wisdom for all of us: “The only ultimate tragedy in life is to feel at home here.”

I know this is long already, but I can't leave the subject of unanswered questions without quoting from yesterday's reading in Isaiah 30:15, 18, "Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. . . . But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them." And in Isaiah 33:2, 6, "But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you. Be our strength each day and our salvation in times of trouble. . . . In that day he will be your sure foundation, providing a rich store of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure."

I never get tired of saying thanks for your prayers. I am so grateful to you!

Love,
Carol

God Is Still Good

Thanks for caring and praying! The good news is that the blood counts are not alarmingly low, in contrast to the effects from the first time I received the present chemo. The other good news is that God is not at all surprised by the rise in the tumor marker (CA 125). It's gone up 97 points, 37.5%, to 356. (Last month it grew by 18%.) Obviously, this will raise questions for continuing treatment. I'll see my oncologist tomorrow afternoon, and we'll appreciate prayer for God's wisdom as we discuss our options. Thanks so much.

A Matter of Perspective

As you know, one of my tasks in the communication department at SIM is to read the newsletters from our missionaries--hundreds of them--looking for seeds of stories to tell. Yesterday I read a letter that grabbed my heart. This middle-aged couple left the USA a year ago to serve in Nigeria, but had to spend the summer back home getting help for the husband's mysterious heart ailments. (Doctors concluded it was "unknown parasitic activity," and he appears to be fine now; they're back in Nigeria, hard at work.) May I share one paragraph from their letter?

"As we all know, we are 100% dependent on God for all things. I got to see that dependency in a new way. It was a new experience to be totally dependent on God's people for literally everything. When we committed to be missionaries, we sold our business, our house, our vehicles, etc. It was strange coming back "home" and not having a house or a car--not having anything to come back to except for people we love. I wish everyone could experience this. It was so neat to see our church family come together and provide housing, transportation, meals, etc. WOW, what an up-close-and-personal demonstration of the Body of Christ functioning in love and faithfulness." I was humbled, and thankful for the wonderful privilege of serving with folks like these.

This morning we'll get the report on yesterday's blood work, and I'll post a brief update. Thanks so much for your continuing interest and prayers.

Blessings,
Carol

The Bridge

Just after last week's tragic collapse of the bridge in Minneapolis, Pastor John Piper wrote some comforting thoughts in his regular pastoral letter. I found this interesting:

“The word ‘bridge’ does not occur in the Bible. There may be two reasons. One is that God doesn’t build bridges, he divides seas [referring here to miracles at the beginning and at the end of the Israelites’ journey to the Promised Land]. The other is that usually his people must pass through the deadly currents of suffering and death, not simply ride over them. ‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you’ (Isaiah 43:2). The currents may drown us. But he will be with us in life and death.”

Only once have I experienced an actual river current so boisterous that I was sure it would kill me. That was when our raft overturned in Lava Falls on the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon (more than 30 years ago). I can still remember the physical terror of it. It’s profoundly comforting to know that the metaphysical currents of life’s tough moments cannot overwhelm us, because of that lovely promise: “I will be with you.” That’s better than a life jacket! Better than a helicopter rescue. Better than a bridge. Better, even, than sitting scared on the river bank and never braving the water. “I will be with you.” Thanks, Lord.

This morning I’ll have another blood test. Tomorrow we’ll get an update on the tumor marker. God could cause the number to plummet, or allow it to rise. In any case, his promise stands: “I will be with you.”

Our friend received the gift of a kidney yesterday, and after a five-hour surgery the doctor announced that the kidney was already working. We are rejoicing!

Love,
Carol

Back from the Mountains

The weekend on the Blue Ridge Parkway was refreshing, restorative, restful, recreative, and "read-full." Okay, that's a stretch. But I did find time to read quite a bit, as well as hike. We camped at Mt. Pisgah, west of Asheville. Beautiful as ever! Friday night we got to see the International Space Station in its stately passage across the arc of the night sky.

My chronological Bible has now taken me through the end of the Psalms, and I want to remind us of one more of them before I move on. Psalm 147:3-5; 11:

He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.
He counts the stars and calls them all by name.
How great is our Lord! His power is absolute!
His understanding is beyond comprehension!
. . . the Lord's delight is in those who honor him,
those who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Last evening our diabetic friend, for whom we've been praying that a kidney donor will be found, got a call to go at once to the hospital in Winston-Salem. Presumably, it looked like a good match; and we've been praying that it would prove to be so and that by now she's either in surgery or maybe even finished. She'd experienced so many disappointing delays and things were looking so hopeless at times. God is good. She had boldly prayed that a donor would be found, even asking for a pancreas as well (end of diabetes), and that it would happen before the end of August. This phone call means there's a grieving family somewhere, and we pray for them too. But how we pray that our friend will be restored to health. She's one of those few who are perpetually helping others.

My aunt died last week. She's been totally out of touch with reality due to Alzheimers for so long; we can only rejoice that now at last she's whole again, and in heaven. With a strong history of that disease on both sides of my family, I've prayed often to not live long enough to get it myself. It's so hard on everyone. I'm glad she's free.

Have a great day.

Love,
Carol

Saturday & Sunday, August 4 & 5

We're planning to leave after work today to camp along the Blue Ridge Parkway for the weekend. If we find wireless access, we'll post another update. If not, this will have to do.

As promised, I cleared the top of my desk on Friday. It's not my favorite thing to do, but it looks great. I found a copy of an email I'd sent to my mother on November 11, 2003 (no, it hasn't been on my desk all these years; it was in a file folder in a drawer). I had just returned from visiting her, and neither of us guessed that two weeks and three days later she'd be dancing in heaven. (I say dancing, because for at least two years she had been confined to her wheelchair or bed due to the cruelties of rheumatoid arthritis.) While we were together, we'd heard a song she liked, and I found the words and sent them to her. I'd forgotten all about that, and now when I found this letter, it was almost like hearing from her! The song was written by Scott Krippayne:

All who sail the sea of faith find out before too long
how quickly blue skies can grow dark
and gentle winds blow strong.
Suddenly fear is like white water pounding on the soul.
Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control.

Refrain:
"Sometimes he calms the storm
with a whispered 'Peace be still.'
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean he will.
Sometimes he holds us close
and lets the wind and waves go wild.
Sometimes he calms the storm,
And other times he calms his child.

"He has a reason for each trial that we pass through in life.
And though we're shaken
we cannot be pulled apart from Christ.
No matter how the driving rain beats down
on those who hold to faith,
A heart of trust will always be a quiet peaceful place."

Both friends who had surgery on Friday came through it well. We thank God. Another friend, who received a surprise gift of a donated kidney a week ago, has gone home already--quite an amazing recovery.

Someone dear to us has run afoul of a person who appears to be mentally ill and is extremely angry--perhaps dangerously so--at this loved one. You'll understand why I can't be more specific, but I wonder if you'd be willing to pray anyway. God knows all about it.

Thanks again. Have a great weekend.

Love,
Carol

Good Friends

A friend wrote to say that ever since she heard of my diagnosis on December 7, 2005, she's been praying the prayer of Hezekiah for me (2 Kings 20:1-6). He received a "terminal" diagnosis, asked God to extend his life by 15 years, and God granted his request. This same friend quoted Philippians 1:7, "We have shared together the blessings of God...." And this: "Having a good friend is like counting the stars. Just when you think you've found all the reasons to thank God for her, you realize you've just begun." Lovely way to fill the quiet moments of the day--listing reasons to thank God for you, my friends!

Today two good friends are having surgery. Another friend is aching over conflicts with her siblings about their father who is being kept "alive" by all artificial means. And other friends are distressed by severe emotional crises in family members' souls. It's a privilege and sweet fellowship to help carry one another's burdens in prayer.

I'm still feeling well, and looking forward to a day of cleaning clutter off my desk at work.

Blessings,
Carol

Good Blood

Reports from the blood count show that all is well. Some are a bit below normal and some a bit high, but there's nothing alarming. I thank the Lord for his protection of my life and wellbeing, and I thank you for your prayers and interest.

As often happens after we take an interest in a particular cause, it begins to show up everywhere. Ever since that letter from an SIM worker alerted me to the slavery underlying the availability of chocolate, almost daily I've heard or read something about the pervasive horrors of worldwide slavery. It's easy to think, "But I can't do anything." Yesterday I read this on stevecookie.blogspot.com -- quoting John Prendergast: "Early on, I had been a bit incredulous as to the real possibilities of citizen action in moving governments to act. Then, as I saw student and religious groups and others really responding and mobilizing to these different crises, and as I started to see policy change, I began to believe in the power of ordinary people to make a difference. Perhaps it is too much to hope, but if these students and thousands of other new activists on behalf of the defenseless have their way, the first genocide of the 21st century might also be the last, or at least the last one that doesn't provoke an appropriately strong response." Well, I'd certainly like to see an appropriately strong response against slavery in Sudan, India, China, Burma (Myanmar), and in fact right here in the USA. My voice is small, maybe weaker than ever, but I'll keep looking for ways to raise it against This Immoral Trade (the title of the book I've just finished reading, by Baroness Caroline Cox and Dr. John Marks).

I haven't stopped fighting my cancer; I simply want that fight to be part of the background routine in the daily living of a full and meaningful life. The other day I read in Psalm 118:17, "I will not die, but I will live to tell what the Lord has done." I would like "what he has done" to be the topic of my conversations today.

Blessings,
Carol

We Saw Them Fly

Forty years ago, on a Mothers’ Day morning, we watched five baby robins flutter out of the nest in which they’d been nurtured—right on the sill outside our dining room. Ever since then, as bird families have grown in our yard, we’ve longed to see the same sight again. This morning we were on our patio reading our Bibles and listening to a family of baby wrens squawking for their breakfast, as they have for a couple of weeks. Suddenly, one of them stuck his head and neck out the round door of their house, pulled back in, and then bravely stumbled out into the flower pot below, soon to fly clumsily off to a nearby branch. Then another, and another! It was a sight to refresh the soul.

Yesterday I got an email from an SIM director in another country somewhere in the world. I wrote back, “Thanks. You’re a blessing.” It seemed little enough to say, after he’d gone to the trouble of promptly answering my request for information. I meant it, because I really did appreciate his speedy and helpful response. But I didn’t expect this back from him:

“I quickly wanted to tell you that your simple words of thanks and blessing were of particular encouragement to me today. It has been one of those days of tough decisions and feeling the full weight of leadership. And frankly not feeling a blessing to anybody. Never underestimate simple profound words. YOU were the blessing today.”

You know, we all have to send out so many emails, and it gets easy to be abrupt and just-the-facts-ma’am. What if we’d all take the extra 10 seconds to say something kind? Try it!

I took a longer-than-usual break at noon yesterday for lunch with my cousin. Oh, lovely! The rest of the day went quickly, but productively. How thankful I am to feel so well. A friend in Illinois wrote about some sweet words she’d just read in the Bible: “Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing!” Such good advice. So I sat down at the piano to play and sing a song before I prepared dinner last evening.

Praising,
Carol